Think it is time to cut my family out....Advice/support needed please

[TealRhino]

Hi all. I will try to keep this as brief as possible.

Basically all my life my parents have favoured my sister and emotionally abused me as a child. My dad is very controlling, and I think my mum is a narcissist. I got constantly told off as a child, I never knew what mood my parents would be in, and they would invent things that I'd done wrong and then punish me/sulk with me/smack me about it. I was always told I was a horrible person, and really nasty. I believed for many years that I must be awful, as surely my own family wouldn't hate me if I was a nice person. My sister would always join on the bandwagon of slagging me off/sulking at me if I was in trouble with my parents.

Now I am in my mid thirties and I've been having counselling for several years. My parents have continued to treat me badly during adulthood, as has my sister. Sometimes they are nice to me, sometimes not, and they are not a loving family at all. My mum doesn't seem to like me very much and doesn't enjoy my company. Some of the things my mum in particular has done in recent years:

Constantly undermined me with my kids. Tried to make a clique with her and my kids and leaving me out. Arriving at my house, ignoring me. Having a go at me if I discipline any of my kids. Slagging me and DH off to our children. Yet on the other hand shouting and bellowing at the kids if they are looking after them.

Always trying to pick an argument with me.

Treating my sister a lot more favourably than me. Giving her money, buying her and her kids expensive presents, providing childcare for her, ignoring my children when my niece and nephew are around, all things like that.

Recently I was unwell and my mum came round one day and was totally uncaring about me being ill. When my sister hurt her foot recently my mum was round her house every day helping her. I was so upset at my mum's treatment and everything came to the surface and I tackled her about why she treats me as she does. As expected she played the victim and played the 'health' card (which she always has done) and was adamant she'd done nothing wrong and she turned it into a blazing row. She then went home to my dad (who is the controller and she would never dare disobey him), and came round the next day and basically said my dad wasn't speaking to me again and that I had made her ill and that I was a terrible evil person. I said fine, if she felt that way then it was time to stop seeing each other, and off she went.

It's been two weeks now. We haven't heard from my parents and I've made no attempt to contact them and, although initially I was upset at how my mum was being, I actually feel relieved that I haven't got to see them at the moment. They are very hard work and always give off a disapproving, judgemental air when they are with me, as though I'm not quite good enough. It's very difficult as we live in the same village, but I have said to DH that if they apologise to me and start treating in a better way then I will reconsider but for now I think it's best to cut them off. They are the types of people that are always 'right' and they would rather cut off their own child than reflect on their behaviour and sort things with me. they are not like the parents that all my friends have.

Like I said, I've tried to keep this brief but there is obviously loads more detail about different things. Thank you for reading

Sounds like you've done just the right thing in agreeing with your mum that not seeing them any more is the best way. I don't imagine for one minute that will be the end of it - there will never be an apology but I guess she will simply make contact one day when she decides she's punished you enough by with-holding her precious company and expect to carry on as if nothing had happened, so best have your strategy ready! The 'stately homes' thread will offer a lot of support from people who have been through the same. Good luck.

Thank you Walkacrossthesand, I will check that thread out. I feel guilty in a way at the kids do ask to see nanny and granddad and I feel mean for stopping them all from seeing each other, but I can't help feeling my parents only have their own agenda in mind and don't really care about the kids, and that they're overall quite a toxic influence (all the kids are unruly when they get back from there and are quite 'off' with me).

I meant to add in my first post that when we had the argument my mum also mentioned some things my kids are meant to have said, which my kids have all denied, and I think my mum is making them up. Things like my 8 year old is meant to have said that we all hated a holiday we went on with my parents 2 years ago, and apparently my 4 year old said that I'd told him to tell my parents not to bother coming round on his birthday as we were only having friends round this year. Both have denied saying those things and tbh I can't imagine them saying them as they weren't said in the first place. And I can't understand too, why if they were said my mum just didn't ask me about them. She is such a martyr and will sit and cry and scream about things and act passive aggressively.

Toxic parents never however, apologise nor take any responsibility for their actions. I would never therefore accept any such apology because it will not be meant.

I take it as read that your DH is on your side with regards to your parents. This will make it easier for you.

Many children now adult victims of such toxic parenting have FOG - fear, obligation, guilt in spades and you may go onto feel a combination of all three with regards to your parents.

If you are happier with no contact I would keep to this (though they may well break your own boundary by contacting you), these toxic people are no good for your children to have contact with either because they ultimately behave the same way as they did with you when you were a child. Such people do not change.

It is NOT your fault they are like this, their own birth families unleashed that lot of damage on them when they were themselves younger.

Would also suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread and read "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown. Another is "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

Good luck to you, you can prosper without these toxic people in it. I would also look into having some counselling as this may well help too.

Great advice from Attila ^

I can empathise completely and haven't really got anything else to add other than I think you're doing the right thing; they really won't change.

Try not to feel guilty, but as already mentioned fear & obligation is usually so prevalent in adult children of toxic/narc parents, so it can feel like a battle.

As horrible as it's been in the past for you, on the positive side, all these experiences make you a stronger, more self aware person and (I'm sure)a great parent

thank you Attila and Trixie for your replies.:)

Atilla, that's a very good point that I am likely never to get an apology. I definitely identify with the whole FOG thing and feel all those emotions. Luckily I've been having counselling for a while now, I think it's because of the counselling that I'm able to be so objective about it rather than emotional, it's been really useful.

Still no contact from my parents, and it definitely looks as though my sister isn't talking to me either. I'm really surprised with how un-upset I feel by it all, and how for the first time ever I feel really free.

I am feeling a bit anxious as I know my mum will have been round other family members, whom I hoped to keep in touch with, spreading her poison about me and painting herself as a victim.