Please don't tell me about family illesses/crises etc - I don't care

[springytooty]

I still see my mother because she is old and well...

Toxic family. NC 2 years ago. My mother plagues me with updates and I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. I am not interested - please don't tell me (I haven't said this though - wouldn't hear the end of it if I did, so go along with it and deftly change the subject as soon as posssible).

I have tried to think of it that she is old and this is what matters to her (her family) so I patiently listen and generally commiserate with her . However, my BIL has had a health scare and I have been added in the loop of updates = late night/early morning calls. Tbf, I don't care. I wish them well and all that but I'm not interested in blow-by-blow accounts.

I've just lied pretended someone was at the door so I didn't have to hear the tiniest minutiae of said health scare. Tbh it would be sad for his family but I wouldn't care if, you know, this was it. Nothing to do with me kind of thing.

AIBU? I feel such a cow but it is torture listening to it and I can't do it.

*she is old and, well (crap typing, stressed)

Sorry, not in a position to offer advice but wanted to say I understand how it makes you feel.

It's grim, eh? Unfortunately, it sounds as if that's your choice if you want to maintain relations with your Mum. What is this 'loop of updates' thing, though? email/FB or something? That sounds a bit more than you should be faced with.

I can't cut her off cozie - she's old. It would kill her tbh. so I just have to grin and bear it. She doesn't know - or ignores- that I have cut off the family. She keeps engineering meetings between me and my family, which I duck out of. I have never actually said the words 'Mum, I've cut off the family. I sincerely hope it's for life'. So I get these updates because she's desperate for us all 'to be a happy family again'.

NOT THAT WE EVER WERE

Then duck out of them with a good conscience - develop a demanding second interest/obligation or something. And see if you can deflect the loop messages in some way if you're getting them by other than voice from her - if you feel that you could cope with only knowing part of what's going on when she talks to you.

I've been (sort of) there and it's not easy. I developed a real good line in 'MMMMMM's when talking to her.

I was going to suggest unplugging the phone when you go to bed/don't want to risk a late night call, plug it in again in the morning - but your mum's old, she'll doubtless panic if you dont answer?! Or, if you have answer machine, switch phone to silent - tell her you were busy. Personally I loathe the tyranny of the phone and how we feel obliged to drop what we're doing to answer it...

Get caller ID. Then just don't answer.

Yes, I suppose I could do that - and I do, up to a point.

My mum gets very upset and I know my vile siblings won't support her and look after her. She wasn't even getting proper updates about the health scare - which was alarming, apparently - and I know she needed support, someone to talk to, someone to tell. She is very vulnerable, very old.

I also don't want to know because I've finally accepted that I'm never going to get loved back by my family - there, that's the nub of it. They are a bitterly toxic brood and it is better for me to keep well away. So cutting them off wasn't as simple as chip, chop, snip: they're gone, good riddance. It's a bit more complicated (and painful) than that.

Yes, get caller ID and be 'jogging' at the time of the early morning updates!

If you don't live near her, can you contact WRVS or Contact the Elderly so that she gets a regular visitor?

You could start your DM reminiscing, ask her about her childhood or things that happened then. Take some old photo albums - that would get her onto a different subject. I found out some very surprising stuff about eg neighbours from when I was young. At the time you sense there is something going on but it's kept under wraps.

She lives with my dad! Who is there, I suppose, but about as much use as . Not because he's incapable - he is very fit and able at nearly 90 (really! surprisingly so - he still keeps his garden going, a big garden; grows flowers, fruit, veg etc. Good genes. Selfish git, as it happens). She's lonely with him - has been lonely her whole life with him, probably. (It also means I have to see him when I see her. Cross to bear! We pretty much ignore one another, moreorless, save basic pleasantries. I have to put up with him and he probably feels he has to put up with me. Anyway, that's another story..)

My mum is old and physically frail, but her mind is as alive. She has lost a lot of confidence because of her physical frailty eg she is now blind - so looking at photos wouldn't work. The only thing I can safely talk to her about is current affairs - everything else is a minefield, she is very touchy about 'memories' - once removed works lol.

She is absolutely desperate for us all to be a 'happy family'. She is full-on kidding herself here. She has form for insisting life lives up to her hopes, however. It has been tough to make a stand and it's a miracle I've done it without talking about it lol. Only with my mother could we manage a very complicated charade while both knowing the truth, but with varying levels of acceptance.

How long can you keep on going with the grin and bear it? I don't realistically see any alternative for you given her age and health but it's the effect it will have on you that's worrying.

Yes it is worrying cozie - I have to be on constant alert to keep myself protected - visiting her (them!) can be exhausting. I knit when I'm there, keeps me somehow not quite there, absorbed in something else. I'm also a master at inane chatter - I should get an award lol. I'm not quite there anyway tbh. Duty call and all that. But I do love her and I want her to have a good end - but not at my full expense iyswim. I can't/won't lay down my whole life (and MH) for her fantasy.

The last time I was there and things got unmanageable, I said 'I don't think I'm in the right frame of mind for a visit after all mum, I'm sorry' and I left. It worked!

Good. If you can develop some way of managing it then you'll likely come out OK.

She's old, lonely, ill and your mum. How about being kind and if that involves putting up with an old ladies boring drone about her health (favourite topic of old and elderly) why not do it? Knitting and not listening too much sound like good coping techniques. More fundamentally though, Tbh you come across as very much part of the dysyfunctional family dynamics. Maybe you should think about your family relationships more deeply in this regard?

You do not get on with your mum, dad not much,with your siblings or with your daughter. And have an ex?
You are emotionally cut off from all of them.

I spoke to a counsellor who advised that you decide how much time/love/care, whatever you call it, you can happily give without feelings of stress/anger (caused by constant guilt)/annoyance (possibly at other family who are not doing anything
supportive) /exasperation/boredom. And that you stick to your decision.
Guilt and feelings of responsibility can often overwhelm common sense and you become stressed and irritated, which is not good for your blood pressure or your own life/family.
Also old people can be unhappy because they are old and unable to do what they once did, understandably, but no amount of visits will really compensate for that. They just help a little.