My bloody brother

[mollycuddles]

Lots of back story. But then I have known him for over 40 years. Pretty much he's a narcissistic twat and I've been upset by him on countless occasions. My DH has been aware of the content of his character for years. It's taken me a bit longer. But recent events have clarified things
He doesn't give 2 hoots about me. He doesn't like my DCs. He wasn't there for me when the shit really hit the fan for me (2 major occasions, most recently in June). He offered to lend me some money last year - pay cut at work and spending a fortune going to his wedding in NYC meant I was pretty desperate for money.
Shouldn't have gone to the bloody wedding tbh especially as he excluded dd2 from the invite. What we were meant to do with a 2 year old in NYC who knows? He made no effort to help us arrange child care. In the end DH stayed with her so we paid for 5 of us to go to NYC to his wedding that only 3 of us could actually attend. Went to the wedding for my DPs.
He changed his mind about the loan and told us on Boxing Day because he felt we were not to be trusted with money. Because DH bought me an iPad for Xmas when we were supposed to be skint. DH took it upon himself to do cleaning - ovens, a flat after a house clearance etc extra to his usual work throughout December to earn extra to buy me something special. We of course should never have got into the whole borrowing money from family thing. Big mistake. But he offered. We have managed without his loan but mainly because of luck. (Discovered I'd been underpaid by work - tax cock up)
He's coming to visit and there's a big family event planned by DPs. I feel we have to go but I'm rubbish at dealing with him. I have spoken to him once in 6 months when he gave me a hard time even though I was really struggling and he knew it.
I need advice on how to survive an evening in his company

Really sorry to hear this - I remember your original thread about his wedding. All I can suggest is spending as little time with him as possible and try and let it wash over you.

Hope it goes ok.

How awful and sad for you to discover that your own brother is a nasty piece of work. I don't know what to advise really apart from minimal contact, not being alone with him or making an effort for him or including him in your plans. As you wil be at your parents, can you make yourself busy with arrangements so you don't have time to talk? If he has a go at you say that you are at a party and don't want to take away the attention from your parents with a big smile on your face. Politely & publically call him up on his atrocious behaviour so people can see what an utter bastard he is.

He won't have a go in an obvious way
It'll be all - you've put on weight. I'm worried about you etc. So it sounds like concern but its actually really hurtful. He's always done this. He will ask all sorts that are none of his business, really invasive questions. Will make snide comments about ds and dd2 who he doesn't like but smarm around dd1 because she's beautiful and compliant and hero worships him. She acts like I used to basically. I don't want him around her.
He will pretend in front of my DPs that he gives a shit but its always, always about him

Go late (but without a fanfare entrance), make a big fuss of your DPs, float loosely on the periphery as far away from him as possible and then leave early.

Been there - so my sympathies.

Oh - and stitch a smile on your face and just keep repeating 'Thank you so much for that, X' every time he speaks and you haven't been able to avoid him.

The trouble is, that every time you DO go you are allowing this farce to continue. It depends how often you are likely to have to do this ? Once a year - too much. Once every 5 years - maybe float around be relentlessly positive and leave asap...

Personally I would probably put my foot down and just say no. If asked why, I would be honest. "I find you critical and hurtful, I feel you have been unsupportive when I needed you. We spent a fortune coming to your wedding which you placed unrealistic restrictions on what we could do and caused an enormous amount of stress"

thanks but no thanks ....

Are you only planning on attending as well for your parents sake?. Bad idea also if this is the case.

I realise he's your brother but seriously he is not worthy of the term if he disrespects you and your family in such a manner. Why keep going back for more of the same?. Such people do not change, trying to appeal to his better nature is fruitless because he does not have one.

Is this big family event planned by your parents in honour of his visit?

If so, then I would definitely not go.

You went to the wedding "for your DP's" Did they know about your financial hardship or the dilemma your brother gave you? I bet not. Just say you will not go, or better still, don't turn up.

Hooked - that's exactly what it is. He and partner will turn up late. Everyone will fawn over him. Blah. Blah. Blah
The night has been organised by my other brother who's a nice guy but we have little in common. He's paid a sizeable deposit.
I wish I had said no when it was first suggested. Probably too late now. Although if I didn't go, narc bro would probably turn up at our house to see me. Bringing my parents and proving to them he's the good child and trying to peace make. I've told my dad that won't be happening and he's praying about it...
I know he will never change. So I have to get through this and then not go next time.
Hoping dd2 can be relied upon to get tired and grumpy so we can leave early. We will be leaving early

What have I missed? Just don't go.

Personally, I wouldn't have accepted the invite - I've done it before in my own family - but I would be thinking about the DPs. Absolutely not about him.

Whatever you decide to do, the important thing is 'Don't engage'. Even if the DCs are going around for the next few days saying 'Mummy is being weird!'.

Acceptance was assumed. I should have said no but didn't.
Now my other bro would be out of pocket if I and the rest of my family don't go. DH says we should go and I need to learn how to deal with it better
He has a point. He is sympathetic to me.
I have no idea how to do that tbh
Not engage with his fucking games mainly although he's so much better at playing the game than me. He knows how to push my buttons. In the past when I've tried ignoring he somehow ups the ante until I bite.
I need to develop a shield of apathy. And not engage
I have tried talking to my DPs but they always put bro first, always dance to his tune, always take his side. I've told them too much I think. I don't want a big scene or a show down because it will change nothing.

I would go NC if I were you - once you get past the party if you're going to go. (I already have with one member of my family - I just say 'We don't get on' and refuse all opportunities to contact. If someone sneaks something up on me (which families are wont to do initially because they think that they know a way to 'fix things') then I do what I suggested above. Float on the periphery and leave early.)

I think you'll likely find that the rest of the family will continue contact with you if you do go NC. The fact that he lives away will help. The bottom line is, though, are you and your own family happier with having the rest of your family in your lives plus your brother or with just cutting them all out? (Although I don't think it would come to that, necessarily.)

OP my MIL used to be unbelievably rude to me when DH wasn't within hearing distance. I used to just smile sweetly at her, having that inner feeling that if she wasn't getting the desired reaction she would give up eventually.
She did. Tell yourself he is pathetic, his games are pathetic you are there for your DP's and your other siblings, just do not rise to his bait, just keep telling yourself that you are better than him and just smile then turn away from him if he starts.
Believe me it works. Just realise that his subtle insults are designed to upset you, and don't give him the satisfaction!

Well, if that's your husband's way of dealing with it, he can go and take the kids. In this context I don't think there's anything wrong with avoiding a situation that just causes hurt and anxiety and can so easily be avoided.

Your brother's deposit, is it the arrangement that you pay him back?

Can you do some work on yourself( working on the basis that you can only change yourself)? Find a way of simply not caring about this unpleasant person or his stupid opinions?

I know this is hard but may help to maintain a family dynamic for your parents whom I am assuming you are fond? So you go along, looking forward to seeing and catching up with those you do care for whilst simply letting the bad stuff wash over you...a few prepared comments to his. So he says you've put on weight. So what? Laugh and thank him for reminding you what pretty manners he has. Then turn away immediately and talk to someone else.

Ask your DH to stay near and if you have to leave because your DD has suddenly developed diarrhoea well, what a shame.

Repeat at regular intervals: he's nothing to me. I am a better person.

Tough if he's out of pocket! Whoever arranged it shouldn't have been so presumptuous. You're an adult OP, more than capable of making your own decisions...so make the one that's right for you, and not everyone else!

Sounds like a nasty git. If you go you pay full price and have to endure them... can you cancel and just pay the deposit? Then no one is out of pocket, you spend less than you were going to and you don't have to be there.
If he tries coming round to see you _ be busy at every time suggested ..and if they arrtive unannounced be just going out (SO SORRY I didn't know you were coming..)

Life is too short for you to even waste one evening in your not so DBs company.
Don't go and if asked just say as suggested we dont get on. It sounds like your parents already know this so it will come as a no great surprise to them.
Your attendance has not been confirmed-only assumed...so they assumed wrong didnt they....

The following is an option, but it does require you to be assertive and to change the way you feel about his comments (easy to say, not easy to do )

Laugh at him. Make it clear you find him amusing in a slightly pathetic way.

oh, you're doing the criticism dressed up as concern thing, I love that. You're so funny.

If you can name one of my friends, my favourite food or any of my top 5 favourite songs, I'll give you a million quid.

Oh bless you, I don't care what you think about anything.

I should have brought my barbie so you could pull her head off, brothers eh?

or let him go on and on and on and then go hmmm? oh, half past three I think.

But certainly challenge him on comments about your children, whether or not you feel up to poking him with a stick generally they need you to do that. "What did you mean by that?" "It's rather inappropriate to make such kind of a remark to a child." that sort of thing.

Or you could duck out. Hell, you could say no, I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than have to suffer him for an evening.

And - if he comes to your house - there's a solid object between you and him and you can choose to not open it.

You can't change him. You can only change you.