Sex while sleeping

[cantreachmytoes]

Ok, after reading something earlier on MN it got me thinking.

When I was 18/19 and maybe a but older too, I can't remember, every single boyfriend I had (flings) would wake me up in the night to have sex. Sometimes he'd be on top of me trying to "get in" other times he'd be trying to manually get things going. There may have been the odd occasion where he was inside me (penis), but it's all a bit of a blur.

I hated it, really hated it and remember frequently saying that it was the way to NOT have sex with me. At one points when I was older, about 24, I remember saying at the start of a relationship/fling that I did NOT want to be woken up in the night by someone masturbating me so not to even bother trying.

Thinking back, I'm really shocked by this - I can't imagine saying that to my DH, for example - but is this actually something fairly normal?

I had a relationship once with a guy that had problems keeping an erection. attempts at sex were disastrous. One drunken night i woke to find him on top of me tryin to have sex. I remember being in complete shock for the first few minutes then just pushing him away which he politely did. He kept apologizing the next day. We were only in the relationship a few weeks. Needless to say that was the end.
So no i don't think its normal or any way respectful.

I would call this sexual assault. I'm sorry.

I don't think it is, no. It's certainly not very seeking of your consent if they just start when you're literally asleep ie unconscious! In fact I'd think it was downright creepy and wrong if someone did this when you were asleep ESPECIALLY if there was no prior discussion - it's sort of "Well she can't object right now can she?" To me, that's specifically avoiding consent which is all kinds of fucked up.

I've had it quite commonly suggested the other way, ie, partners hinting or outright asking if I would wake them up with oral sex, but I've only once (maybe twice?) had it offered and never has it been just done without discussing the idea first.

I would too.

It's not normal, cantreachmytoes

My ex-P used to have sex with me while I was asleep (I'm a very very deep sleeper) I would wake up with him on top of me, mid flow, and he would say that I had instigated it which was absolute bollocks.

I was with him for 5 years and I didnt realise it was wrong. When I met DH we spoke about bizarre things our ex's had done and I explained what had happened and DH made me realise it was very very wrong.

Its assault, because you cant consent while your not awake, i'd be horrified if i woke to find a man doing that to me.

It is legally rape, I'm v sorry for you.

Sorry I disappeared, I fell asleep!

I'm not really sure what to say. I guess I thought there'd be more of a "not nice, quite annoying, but something that happens often" type of response.

It really was so normal then. I can understand what you're all saying, but I can't quite get my head around being sexually assaulted so often that I can't even count it.

As for raped, that would have been less in number/frequency as the PIV occurences were much less often.

Hmmm.

I guess I'm wondering what made me think it was ok, just something people did, and others end relationships because of it. I've no idea.

Can'treach I had this happen once with an exP. I told him straight it was rape then spent the next 6 months agonising over it and second guessing myself... I'm sorry you had this but it isn't normal.

Thanks Remembering.

I'm glad you saw it for what it was at the time and got rid of him. Mustn't have been a very nice six months though.

Seems a bit surreal!

I think I partly thought it was in the normal framework because I didn't have a "type", I was attracted to very different types of men socially, economically and culturally.

Obviously they had something in common after all.

I had this happen with someone I had been seeing for a couple of months. I felt utterly violated and then ended the relationship. I hadn't been in a position to consent to sex so therefore it did feel like a rape.

With my last partner the same thing happened but he convinced me I had instigated it (despite me having no recollection of even being awake). He was a pathological liar though and now looking back I have no doubt that he had basically violated me as well.

I think this is definitely not normal or right behaviour in a loving relationship but I think some men do believe that if you are in bed with them you have consented to sex. IMHO it's rape.

Happened to me once, anal and excruciating. That was years ago, with a man who had no respect for either me or his girlfriend. I'm older and wiser now. He was a weak character who used people but such a pretty boy.... Talking to a friend at the time helped me realise it was rape. It may be common but that doesn't make it "normal". By contrast, if there is trust and respect between a couple, you can let each other know what you would/wouldn't like and share fantasies. The men who would force sex without consent are pretty repressed in their nasty way, less able to discuss fantasies and be interested in yours, threatened by a woman's sexuality, prefer to ignore the woman's needs in case they cannot satisfy them. OP, I would look at what sort of men you are attracted to - they may have cultural, social, economic differences, but they seem to share a dismissive attitude to women. I hope you don't mind me asking - would you attracted to a man who is sensitive and understanding and values you more?

Xena - I think that's it - I was in bed with them, we'd maybe had sex before sleeping, so they thought they had the green light. I never had a discussion in which I said it would be a nice idea/was a fantasy of mine because it most definitely wasn't. I made that fact clear, but it obviously didn't sink in.

Can't reach, you having sex with them before going to sleep doesn't indicate future consent at all. And it does not give normal men the green light to rape an unconscious body (note: you can only rape someone asleep unless they have given you explicit permission beforehand. There is no grey area) nor was this an issue of the concept of consent something that didn't sink in for them. They were acumbags who chose to rape you. Am sure the way you are trying to frame it makes it feel less horrible, but the truth of the matter is stark.

Scumbags, not acumbags, obviously.

Disco - that's awful, really sorry he did that to you.

Would I be attracted to someone sensitive and caring who understands me more?

Well DH is and does. I felt there was something different about him from the beginning. I'm in my mid thirties, so those events are quite a long time ago, but what you said has raised a flag for me - or identified the flag, I've known it was there for ages.

DH is repressed, threatened by women's sexuality (not women, just the sexual side) and prefers to ignore my (sexual) needs in case he can't satisfy them. By ignore I mean we basically never have sex. He genuinely has a problem, I've no real idea why, but it's not malicious (he's not gay, asexual or formerly abused). I think I have and do accept that because its not threatening. I'm never ever scared of him, not even a tiny bit. Sometimes it breaks my heart that he's not interested in my physically, but I'd definitely prefer this than the alternative I had before! And he has started recognising that he has a problem. Baby steps...

I've always wondered where the link was between my attraction to him and to those former partners and it makes some sense now!

Reading this it all sounds bad but it's not really! I have a good life in many other aspects, so consider myself fortunate that this is one of my only problems.