I want to stop being scared...for my & dFamily sake (sorry this is long & rambling)

[Livingtothefull]

I have to go back to work tomorrow after a week's holiday with DS to care for him in school holidays and I am dreading it. I am worried in case there has been a panic or screw up while I have been away, & that I will have to account for myself. It is not really rational....I am not aware of any specific mistakes I have made but it may be that the way I left things prior to going on holiday does not meet employers' expectations.

I have had a few bad experiences with employers prior to taking this job (workplace bullying) which may be the reason why I am fearing the worst now. I am just so tired though of feeling perpetually fearful. This is a contract job, it ends in a couple of months & then I have to look for work all over again. My job pays the mortgage, no option to give up work.

My DS (12) has severe disabilities, we have just been notified that he needs further major surgery. He suffers from epilepsy & his seizures have worsened in recent months.

I mention this because this is the reason why I just can't afford to deal with the irrational fear about my work that I am suffering. I need all emotional energy to deal with family situation and support my boy. I don't have supportive family at hand...in fact it has been an issue with me, that DH family lean too heavily on him, rather than the other way round.

Has anyone had this situation, where they have felt at the mercy of an irrational fear which refuses to die....how did you manage to kill it? I know the person I want to be; strong and courageous (for DS and DH sake) confident and afraid of nobody; not the miserable cringing creature that I am. Why is wanting to be that other person not enough, and how do I get there?

These sorts of fears are normal, if irrational, responses to extremely stressful situations like the one you are in (ds with disabilities, worrying times ahead for his health, (presumably) main earner, insecure job situation). I have been there too (with a difficult situation but a lot less difficult than yours), and am there in a low-level way still. My experience is unfortunately that you cannot rationalise yourself out of it. What has helped for me is a combination of long-term, hard-slog therapy (still ongoing) and keeping on keeping on, seeking support where I could get it - good friends, finding strength in things I do well, trying to care for myself in small ways (big challenge, that one).

I can tell you now that you are neither miserable nor cringing. You sound like a very strong woman, caring for your son and holding down a job that keeps a roof over your heads. I expect you rarely get a break or time to look after yourself or decompress from some of the stress. Our minds have ways of releasing the pressure, and sometimes, unfortunately, it is fears such as this.

I think you need to see your GP and organise some counselling for yourself - depending on where you are, there may be private counsellors who offer reduced rates if money is an issue. You sound, almost more than anything else, as if you need looking after, caring for, and to not be so hard on yourself. The strong, perfectly-courageous-enough person you want to be is already there. Nobody human is afraid of nothing. It sounds as if you have a lot of legitimate reasons to be afraid and little opportunity to admit that feeling. Some external support - someone whose main concern is you - will help you deal with these fears and the difficult time to come.

Much love to you.

Dear Picardy, thanks so much for your post, that means a lot. I have felt that I am going mad....I feel that life is such an arduous journey, emotionally I have to travel light yet I can't quite manage to do so. All this emotional dross persists in attaching itself to me.

The disability is my DS's not mine...so I feel guilty at being upset by it. The irony is that he is (by a long way) the happiest person I know, despite all the pain he has been through & is again facing (both hips rebuilt, Achilles tendons lengthened, nearly died under anaesthetic etc). I am so so proud of him. I feel that if he can go through all this and come out smiling, then I should also be able to cope. But I am really struggling.

I have tried to get counselling through GP but have not got anywhere as yet....so will have to go back & hassle for more help. I so want to believe I am the person I want to be....a mother worthy of DS. This fear - this sense of inferiority - gets in the way every time. But you are right that I just need to keep on, and I will do so. For my DS sake I will NEVER give up hope and I know I am a strong person even though I don't feel it.

It's true that I wish someone was there to look after me. Most of the time there is nobody I can talk to except DH, only he knows what this is like. DH needs emotional support too and gets very little. Some members of his family have tried their best but others have just piled on the pressure and even exploited us (long back story I can't go into here).