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Original poster

the burden of being the secret keeper

22 replies

joshandjamie · 11/08/2013 21:42

Recently I have been told by two friends (unknown to each other incidentally) that they have had an affair.

The first had an affair that lasted several months and she was massively emotionally involved. Unhappy marriage but now trying to sort it out. She hasn't told her DH.

The second got drunk and slept with someone. One off. Stupid mistake. She hasn't told her DH either.

Both have confided in me, I assume to get some of the guilt off their chests and to get some advice.

I have never had an affair so don't really know what to advise. Any suggestions are appreciated as I'm not sure what to say. Also, I feel that now that they have told me their secrets (and have begged me to tell no-one including my DH) that I have my own secrets from my DH and I'm not comfortable with it.

I don't want to break their confidence by telling my DH but equally find that I am now having to lie to my DH to keep their secrets. Argh. Anyone else find themselves in the situation where you are secret keeper?

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 11/08/2013 21:48

Well, it's not your secret, it's theirs, so you are keeping nothing from your DH that he ought to know.

Do you really have to lie to cover for them, given the affairs are now over? Can't you just be non-committal, with some 'not sure', 'maybe' and 'I don't know exactly'?

BathingBelle · 11/08/2013 21:48

They must think a lot of you to have confided. Did they make you swear not to tell anyone before they told you? If so, you should have told them then and there that you weren't comfortable with it.

If they didn't, then you can tell your DH if the burden is intolerable, but then you have no control over the outcome so up to you to assess the risk of the damage if things go viral.

I'd try and forget they told you and shut down any further unburdening.

Unless you are a priest?

cozietoesie · 11/08/2013 21:53

Yes- and it's hateful. You can't stop them telling you the first time (because you don't know what they're about to say) but I'd strenuously resist any further attempts by them to bring the subject up, however good a friend they are.

I absolutely wouldn't advise them either (and you would be on a hiding to nothing there anyway because in my experience, they likely don't really want advice, they just want to discuss their 'dreadful' situation and wallow in the emotion.) I'd simply say that you don't want to talk about it.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but they really should not have involved you in the first place. It's deeply unfair on you.

Original poster

joshandjamie · 11/08/2013 22:04

Lottie - I am being non-commital with DH rather than overly lying but it feels secretive, I am deleting my texts and emails that they have sent me in case he sees them because they've asked not to tell

bathingbelle - not a priest no. The way both confessions came up, just sort of happened, so the request not to tell anyone happened after I knew.

cozie - I feel bad to say that I don't want to talk about it. They are friends - and I am sure if I was in a similar situation (god forbid) - that I'd want someone to talk to.

But it is hard.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 11/08/2013 22:11

But what exactly are they wanting to talk about, joshandjamie and why? As I said, my experience in these matters is that it will, sadly, likely be going round in circles revisiting their fear (if any), their guilt (if any), their trepidation about the future (ditto) and how to handle the situation if 'he' gets in touch again or they run into him. It won't likely be to achieve anything but some sort of catharsis for them and share a burden by putting things on you.

Maybe they're different though?

Original poster

joshandjamie · 11/08/2013 22:17

pretty much that Cozietoesie - I have probably put myself in this position by saying that if they need to talk then I am here for them (after they told me). But I was just trying to be a friend to them. it is just hard holding their secret. I think I need to just try to put it out of my mind and avoid the subject in future.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 11/08/2013 22:20

Probably best. As I said, it's unfair on you - and I don't think a really true friend would attempt to lay that sort of burden on you. Bear that in mind.

bellablot · 11/08/2013 22:25

Why would you feel like you were lying to your DH? These people have entrusted you with their secrets, it has feck all to do with your DH, if he finds out that you didn't tell him then you'd have been a good friend for not spilling.

Truth is, very few people can keep a secret and these people also usually like to gossip, a lot about other people's problems and lies.

You have a choice to be a friend or a gossip monger who can't keep her gob shut.

EldritchCleavage · 11/08/2013 22:26

I would just say forget about it. Never raise it unless they do, don't feel you have to act on what they tell you. You were a good friend: you listened to them when they needed that.

BathingBelle · 11/08/2013 22:26

Ah. Then perhaps say something like 'I was a bit on the back foot when you confided your sexual incontinence in me, but I've given it a lot of thought and really uncomfortable carrying this secret. Of course I will respect your confidence, but in return, I'd like to ask that we don't discuss it any more. Can you respect that?'

Hopefully they will! I've always employed my granny's fabulous line [hold hand up dramatically] 'Stop! I've got a mouth like a sieve! Don't tell me anything you don't want all over town by Tuesday!'

bellablot · 11/08/2013 22:28

Oh and p.s. a lot of people tell me their secrets because I can keep them to myself. I kept a secret from my DH which his DM had told me not to divulge, he found out, shit hit the fan, I was happy with the fact I didn't gossip or shit stir. Keep it to yourself.

lottiegarbanzo · 11/08/2013 22:33

Can you ask them only to speak to you in person about this? No texts or emails? Tell them these are not private and you're not willing to hide them.

I suppose you can listen without advising and just give them space to talk things through. If you feel strongly that what they've done is unforgivable, you should probably say so and end the discussion though.

cozietoesie · 11/08/2013 22:33

Your gran sounds like a right card, BathingBelle.

Original poster

joshandjamie · 11/08/2013 22:35

I am keeping it to myself. I know that my DH would prefer to know that I kept a confidence than that I was hiding something from him. he values loyalty and privacy. I just don't like the feeling that I am being slightly cagey at times about texts or calls e.g. what did 'friend' want? - DH, 'Oh nothing - just a general chat' - me.

anyway, am off to bed and will just try to get rid of their secrets from my head.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 11/08/2013 22:35

I think it's best not to say anything to anyone. But they have put you in a difficult position if you are having to delete texts and tell lies to your DH to cover up for them. I don't think I'd want to do that exactly.

Scruffey · 11/08/2013 22:42

This isn't ok. Firstly tell your dh. They have absolutely no right to ask you to keep this sort of secret from your dh and cause you problems in your own marriage. Personally, I never tell anyone anything that I would want them to keep from their spouse.

Secondly, tell both these friends not to talk to you about their infidelity again.

BathingBelle · 11/08/2013 22:46

cosi she was. The irony was that they told her anyway and she would almost burst with it so she would tell my sister and I over pretend tea parties, with made-up names.

To this day we still remark 'Mrs Giraffe's waterworks are playing havock with her love life.' God, I miss her!

Forgive the hijack

MexicanHat · 11/08/2013 22:56

I know many secrets about my friends and vice versa. I trust them with my life and they can trust me. That's what friends do isn't it? Would you want them to have no-one to talk to?

daytoday · 12/08/2013 09:09

I absolutely agree. I was totally shocked when my friend told me about her affair. I found it hard to see her with her dh. My dh could sense something was wrong. I didn't want to tell him as I knew he'd be disgusted (both our parents had affairs) and I wanted him to still like my friend.

I finally told my dh a little, and that I found it hard. I completely avoided talking about it with my friend.

daytoday · 12/08/2013 09:11

I guess if your dh IS your best friend then you don't want secrets. Not little ones, which are easy to keep, but big ones that mean you worry about your friends.

Original poster

joshandjamie · 12/08/2013 13:27

I have an update. So the second friend I mentioned, she gave me the impression via text that she had had a one night stand, drunken, stupid mistake. Turns out that actually it is an affair that has been going on for three years, on again, off again, both parties married, and all friends with each other. I had thought she wanted to talk because she was feeling guilty about her one night stand,which is why I was willing to lend an ear. I don't approve of one night stands but I can see how they might happen in a fit of drunkenness. But actually now I don't know why she wanted to talk. Because she seemed completely unremorseful about it all and is highly likely to continue to do it. Was she looking for approval? Wanting to just share her excitement??

She did say she knows it's wrong and she loves her husband and wouldn't want to lose him. But it didn't sound as though she was ending it once and for all. Sounded very much as though it would continue.

It has sadly changed the way I feel about her. The worst part is that her husband is my DH's very good friend (indeed that is how I know her). If I told my husband about it, it would affect the way he sees her and our entire friendship with them. My DH would never tell his friend (her husband) but I feel as though I don't want to burden him with the knowledge about her affair. Yet I HATE knowing this and keeping it from him. I feel like I want to explode from weight of it.

Argh. Feel like I need to go take a shower!

OP posts:

MexicanHat · 12/08/2013 13:35

Well a one night stand is very different from a 3 year affair with a friends H!!! I don't blame you for feeling differently in these circumstances OP especially if her H is a good friend of your DH. I'm glad I'm not in your position.

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