The first new relationship after divorce. Does it ever work out?

[SpringyReframed]

It hasnt done for me. I wish I had never got into it.

I was SO cautious and kept it all under wraps with all but my closest friends for the first few months. He is someone I have known since school when we had a bit of a "thing" about each other way back then although never were boyfriend and girlfriend. I have only really just told other friends and my children and now I am having to tell them it is over but I dont know why!

He is also divorced although a year behind me in terms of date of separation. At first it was still about friendship and then it went further. He was very keen which I found really flattering but felt very realistic about it unlike him who went pretty head over heels with me. Then, within the space of less than two weeks he went very cool and then ended it. He hasnt explained why; the brief explanations he has given have not even over the phone or face to face but by email. My instinct is that he is not over his marriage and it is connected to that perhaps?

As we have been good friends for many years I just cant understand why he should suddenly want nothing to do with me. I would have been much happier with reverting to just being friends again but he hasnt given me a chance.

The whole episode makes me feel like I've taken a huge step back and I've lost a good friend in the process. I really dont know what I did, and certainly not what I did to be treated so shabbily with a bloody email. I am worried that I will never be able to trust a man again. If you cant trust someone you've known for years what would it be like with a relative stranger? I'm floating between anger and sadness with a touch of panic for the future thrown in.

I was wondering if others have had similar experiences with a bad start getting back in the relationship game?

It's almost certainly not something that you did. It's hard to predict how a relationship will go I think, and some won't work. At least you're not in an unhappy relationship, so things could be worse.

He went from asking me to move in with him in the future to ending it completely within a very short time scale. I was completely astonished by it and no concept of it not working. A mutual friend thought I was joking when I said it was over.

The exact (nearly) same thing happened to a friend of mine. All full on very, very quickly, and then over. There really is no rhyme nor reason to it.

That makes me feel a bit better that it has happened to someone else in the same way. (sorry for her of course.)
I thought I knew all about relationships but this is a new one on me. I feel very betrayed.

She spent a bit of time going 'why oh why oh why?' And now ten years later its all in the past. Really bothered her at the time, but in her situation, as with yours, the problem is his.

Don't take it personally. It could be anything. Did he have kids? My exw turned into a fcking lunatic when she found out I was seeing someone despite it being her that had the affair and decided that the marriage was over. She threatened all sorts of things and that slowed me down a bit in my new relationship.

I was blown away by the woman I was seeing and fell head over heels very quickly after my split. My marriage had been crap for years and I embraced the feelings that a new relationship gave me. I have never felt as in love as
I did at the start of that relationship.

Her exh was even worse than mine and eventually these pressures took over and it ended.

Don't worry about not being in a relationship. I am again now and sometimes wish I was on my own again!

So sorry OP, feel for you.

This happened to my friend, she was distraught. It turned out her boyfriend's ex suddenly wanted him back - obviously when she saw he was happy with someone else.

To end by email is very cruel and cowardly. It's so disappointing when you have got someone all wrong.

Yes, in my friends situation it was about trying again with his ex.

Perhaps his strong feelings for you scared him? And he feels too recently wounded to risk being hurt again?

Thanks for all your replies. It really does help.

His wife ended the marriage and I dont think he has come to terms with that yet even though they are already divorced. He ended it with me less than a week after seeing his ex. She was pretty nasty to him on that encounter and she is going to be moving to another country so she is definitely moving on and no chance of her regretting it! His kids are young adults but he does seem to lean on them for support too much imho and I dont think it is very fair. He hates living on his own but has one on his DC's temporarily living back home. This also coincided with our break up. It is almost like he can manage without me at the moment so he decided to do that. His DC's were definitely ok about his relationship with me. I think they just want their Dad to be happy and not so needy.

maleview what you say about your first new relationship really sounds like the way he reacted to me.

Sorry Op, that must've hurt.

It could have been for a number of reasons, quite possibly to do with his ex, difficult to know..however it might be a good thing in the long run if he is, as you suspect, a little needy and over-dependent? Try to focus on you and making yourself happy

Yes these post divorce firsties are quite surreal. I also got a dear john by email, not the nicest but in many ways says much more about them than you. I think its a real sign that the other person doesnt know what the hell they want (do any of us) and they hit the 'run away' button in panic. I made sure to let my 'friend' know it was shabby behaviour and not becoming of a grown up. I think he was suitable embarassed and ashamed of himself. Reply by email and let him know politely that you just dont do that sort of thing, then dust yourself off and move on. Divorcees can be the walking wounded, its all part of lifes rich tapestry.

That really does answer my question middleeasternpromise. I tried to be careful because rebound relationships are notorious for ending badly but I got caught completely by surprise and hurt just the same.

I did email him back saying it was a terrible way to end a relationship that had been based on great communication and long standing friendship. I kind of regret that now. I feel what I should have done was ask him to call me to talk about it. I let him off the hook with his cowardly behaviour.

Capitaltrixie, a few friends have said the same, that I might have actually had a luck escape. It turned out all too good to be true.