alcohol, abuse... talk some sense into me people!

[allofafluster]

Right, the aim here is to write it all down, see it in black and white and realize what a numpty I'm being! Long time mn'er, just namechanging for this.

So, the boyfriend, been together nearly a year. I really do adore him, he's clever, kind, generous and looks after me providing he's sober. He has a good job and has regular alcohol tests at work for safety purposes.

Problem is he is a drinker, not just a drinker, an alcoholic in some form; I think he is a high functioning alcoholic. He knows he has a problem but doesn't want to change. I have never seen him go a day without booze, when he gets home from work he drinks a bottle of wine. when he has time off we get 2 day benders usually involving large amounts of rum and generally much heavier drinking than normal. If it makes any difference he has Asperger's (undiagnosed but think of Sheldon from TBBT slightly watered down)

The last week he has been on annual leave, we went away as a family, my dc's and his son who are around the same age. Every night he insisted that we go to the pub so that he could have a few pints, he refuses to eat until he's had enough to drink so we never have family meals together and I end up taking all the dc's for tea and leaving him drinking Old Rosie. I put my foot down on the 3rd night and took them all back to the B&B early, he stayed out, got into a fight blind drunk and got back sometime around 1AM and didn't emerge until around lunchtime demanding on the phone to know where I had taken 'his son'. The day we got back was another bender- ending in puke and collapsing, then we had a 'single bottle' evening- where he can be the nicest chap you could ever meet, then last night it all went wrong, he got bladdered, shouted at his son, got in a strop with me because I wouldn't let him take my phone upstairs to read my messages and phone people then went to bed. I stayed up for a bit and heard a commotion, went upstairs to find him p***g on my bedroom carpet! He has been violent before- never hitting me, but trying to scare me etc.

What do I do? I know I should go with my head, but every time I look at photos my heart lurches. Is there any chance, is there anything that will make him stop, or is it just a matter of time?

You should end it. No other option. Sorry.

He may stop, he may not. You being around will not make him stop, he will just heap a shit load of misery on you (and your children) for a lot longer.

What are you asking OP? what do you do about what? If it's what do you do about him, then the answer is nothing. Nothing you can do to stop him drinking, only he can do that - and whilst he's working and having everything his way, there's no reason for him to stop.

If you're asking what do you do - then only you know the answer. Just remember though - you cannot control his drinking and neither can he without help.

He will put drink before everything and everybody. Those of us who have experience of this will have tried everything before we got help ourselves. We tried pouring the drink away, we tried pleading, we tried making them feel guilty "If you loved me you'd stop" and so on. NONE of it worked.

If you want to help, help yourself first, go to Alanon, listen to those who have lived through and with an alcoholic.

Put yourself first because he never will until he gets better and only he can decide when that is.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You need to listen to your head as of now before you invest further time and energy on someone who is truly not worthy of yourself. He is quite simply dragging you and any children you have who are unfortunate enough to be witness to all this dysfunction as well down with him.

There are no guarantees with regards to alcoholism; he may lose everything and still continue to drink. He has already told you that he is not stopping. You cannot do anything to help him.

You cannot assume either that he is actually on the autistic spectrum. That would not make any difference to the overall situation anyway, he is still a drunkard and you are in a relationship currently with a drunk.

What do you want to teach your own children about relationships here and what do you think you are both teaching them currently?.

What do you get out of this relationship now exactly?. What has kept you within this for this length of time?. That thorny question needs your urgent consideration.

His primary relationship is with drink (not you) and his thoughts are in the direction of where the next drink is coming from.

All you are to this man is his enabler and you are also codependent on him to boot (many such relationships have codepedency issues within them) and putting his well being well above yours, infact the concern for your own welfare, self esteem and worth is seemingly nowhere to be seen. No wonder you are at this low point, you have also put yourself there too.

You do not need someone like this to look after you!. You are not helpless without him.

BTW did you witness alcoholism as a child, what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

You need to reign in those rescuer and or saviour tendencies that you undoubtedly have; the first year of a relationship is supposed to be the happier, not like this, not a bit of it.

This will never end well for you, its time the charade was ended and you hopped off the merry go around that is alcoholism. You're not helping him, besides you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him, not that he wants your help and support in the first place.

I would also suggest you contact Al-anon and at the very least read their literature or even better attend one of their meetings.

"Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie is a book I suggest you read as well.

My Christ. Run for the hills. I was never this bad when I was drinking heavily and I was a fair way towards killing myself with alcohol.

Put simply you are not safe around him and god knows your children should not be exposed to this.

The hardest thing for the partner of an addict to understand is that there is literally nothing you can do that will make the blindest bit of difference to the situation. I think he would find it immensely difficult to stop even if he wanted to with every ounce of his being. He's not even close to that, and the best you can do is damage limitation.

Give up your rescue fantasies. Rescue yourself and the children instead. Please speak to Al Anon and the book I usually recommend is this one. No-nonsense and non-judgy, it will help lay things out for you.

I think it will end, one day. It's just a matte of time when.

He can be clever and sweet etc, but he is also under the control of alcohol.

I went with a man who used to say he was a binging alcoholic. I thought he would stop. I didn't realise it was that bad. We didn't live together but at times when I as with him, he would drink from Friday after work till very early hours of Sat, then wake up and start again till early Sun, and then crash out. It was awful, he behaved terribly. I mean that much alcohol?? He was off work ill, and still drank, and at that point I began asking myself whether he would end up being a burden to me in our old age, as he clearly had zero respect for his body.

It was then that I realised that people say the truth about themselves. He told me he was an alcoholic, and many women ha asked him to stop and he chose it over them. It was when he was drunk on a Monday morning that I left him.

Not too long ago his friend died, also substance related. He was in his early fifties, a very handsome Native American. My fella stopped drinking for about three weeks. Then he got back to it.

I understand that alcohol is more important to him than anything else. Partners. His children. Everything.

This is the thing. The good bits you love about him as genuinely there, but so is this. Holidays where he prioritises alcohol over everything. Times when he is abusive. Abusive to his son as well.

I think it is only a matte of time before you have to walk. It's so sad isn't it. X

thanks all. it's incredibly hard when you love someone unconditionally. I'll look at the links, but right now it hurts so much to contemplate the future without him.

It's a horrible situation to be in. My mum was an alcoholic so know from bitter experience that you cannot change someone and it is utterly heart breaking when it is a person you love. It is also so so hard to walk away but you will not change him.

Personally I think you should leave. You deserve better and your dc deserve better. It will be hard but staying in the relationship will break your heart little by little more and more each day.

it is hard, I guess I should have got out a lot sooner rather than investing time and emotion in the relationship. I do love him, he is sweet, polite and downright gorgeous when he is sober. I need to take stock and realise how bad he is for me though. Broken hearts mend... right??

He might stop

But only if he sees what he has lost

You carrying him won't make him stop

He has to reach rock bottom, because at the moment there are no consequences for him

You are doing all of you, including the children, a disservice by staying and condoning his behaviour

The future with him is bleak, there is no future in this as he will continue to put alcohol before you.

Your broken heart will mend but you will stay as both his enabler and also codependent (a very unhealthy emotional state in a relationship) if you remain with this alcoholic man.

You love him yes but he loves alcohol more than you I am sorry to say. His primary relationship is with drink and his alcohol problem predates you by many years.

You need to accept fully that you cannot help or rescue him, besides which he does not want your help.

Is this really the model of a relationship your children should be seeing as well?. What are you both teaching them about relationships here?.

How often is he really sober, perhaps never.

You should not need an alcoholic to look after you, why do you need such a person in your life at all?. Its because you get something from it, a need of yours is being met here isn't it?. Hence me bringing up the recuing and or saving tendencies you likely have.

You have children, they should not have to experience this, he isn't their father and you are choosing to expose them to this which is unpleasant and disturbing for them all because you love (want to save) this man. He won't change, you may destroy your relationship with your children, please get Help from AlAnon and leave for their sake.

you're probably right. I am a very giving person, I always help people whenever I can. I thought it was a good point of mine that I always assist people whenever I can. I guess in this case it's having the opposite effect.

I'm just scared that i'll always go for the same type, I get easily flattered because i'm not used to it. I had a very strict upbringing where I was never really shown affection, I was never the prettiest, cleverest or most popular so I took on the caring role perhaps- i'm the one everyone comes to when they need help, and I'm happy to help because that's who I am!

Maybe think about the wisdom of that then....where do you get your sense of being important...? Is it from helping others?

Yes it is good to be kind and to give, but it is also good to consider whether this is relevant in all scenarios....for example would you always give your children sweets if they wanted them? No, because that would not be wise....

I would consider moving on from where you personally are in terms of always being the one to give.... It is not nice to carve out that role, because it denies who you are - it harks back to how you were once treated, but those days are gone....

In this case it is also keeping the status quo very unhealthy....people don't always want help, and then we can go down with them....and you have children to consider....

Helping other people is only a good quality when it isn't at the expense of self - which in this case includes those who depend on you and who have no choice about where they live and what they do. This is where co-dependence comes from: "only I understand him / he can't manage with out me [etc etc]".

If you were on your own, it would be your choice how much of your life you gave up to this addiction; we would still advise you to leave, to live your own life and not just the fallout of someone else's. But your children need you to put yourself first. It may go against your upbringing, it does for many women (and some men). But you need to consider why you're minimising your own needs - why you're not helping you first and foremost. You are deserving of your own help, and of a life without this kind of stress and distress.

I think that helping other people at the expense of the self can be a good thing...just not always....

It's a dangerous trait to try and practice around someone from whom you should reasonably be able to expect a return. It's a dangerous trait to practice around addicts when you don't understand addiction. The OP needs to put herself first.