I have nc for this as think STB ex may be reading this site and may know my old username.
I have been with STB ex-partner for 12 years, we have two small children. After years of feeling that he gets really nasty/verbally abusive every time we have a disagreement I have had enough and, though we are living together until he finds somewhere suitable, have essentially ended the relationship. I am so confused about it all and want others opinions on whether I'm right to end it for these reasons. I know that essentially it's up to me and doesn't matter what other people think but i swing from one view to the opposing one within minutes, constantly, and I feel like I'm going insane.
From early on I would be stunned by the fact that when we disagreed he seemed to lose his temper in a disproportionate way. He would shout and accuse me of various personality faults, frequently storming off, slamming doors but always with very insulting things being shouted. He would accuse me of being all manner of things 'a liar, fantasist, over-sensitive, aggressive, emotionally unstable, a bad mother, weak, pathetic, thick, control freak' etc etc. I'm no mouse and would shout and argue back but am not as shouty or insulting as him and also I used to be shocked at his reaction so often I felt incredulous that he could switch from being calm, patient, easy-going, affectionate to this very angry man who seemed to totally hate me during a row. For a long time, I used to feel so hurt afterwards that I would withdraw and it took me a while before I felt able to 'forgive' him again, even though he was usually the one to suggest we make up and 'forget about it'. He used to accuse me of sulking and said we only still had a relationship because of him as he was the only one who was prepared to make the first move. However, I felt so attacked - maybe I was 'sulking' but I was often still reeling from all the viciousness he displayed.
I made loads of threats that I wanted to finish the relationship, always in the heat of a row and when he'd been what I saw as horrible to me, but he would always convince me that we could work it out afterwards, (when we could talk calmly about things a few days later - he was always very reasonable and 'convincing' then and I could see where I had patronised/upset/been controlling towards him etc. I didn't think for one minute that it was all my fault - I always said he had a nasty temper and that if he didn't react like that then I would not be threatening to split up every time - but I could see (and still do) that I played a part in the problems. It is my house so in the early days I even chucked him out a few days (to my real shame) because I just wanted such an angry and insulting person out of my hair - though I accept that this was unfair and he always had to stay at his brother's etc. This hasn't happened since we've had children or indeed for many years but it did in the early couple of years.
After a year or so, I made a definite decision not to be a push over and again, very much to my shame, I started getting nasty back. I know this is wrong but I remember telling him he was acting like a bouncer/neanderthal man/idiot etc. I wish I had just kept my cool but I didn't. I have to say, though, that when I do/did keep my cool and try to be reasonable or just walk away, he would go mad and say I was being patronising/acting superior/being irresponsible by just driving off (for 20 mins sometimes to cool down and get away from him) so I do feel that I can't win.
Once we had children and some very very nasty rows (where I have totally lost it after he said things such as that he'd never tried for a child and that I'd tricked him (having been trying for 1 1/2 years); that he wasn't sure that he was the father (he has no reason at all to think i've been unfaithful and i never have but he's always showed a suspicious nature towards me and says I will have an affair); and then suggesting I have a 'strange' relationship with my father (which I was very upset about as it suggested something sinister to me though he later denies meaning that); anyway, we have cooled the rows right down over the last few years and mainly because I think we both realised how damaging it was potentially for the children. To cut a very long story short (er) we have basically stopped rowing so much but still when the rows happen they are still fairly horrible and he still always immediately jumps up and starts shouting/accusing me of things without reason (as I see it). Last year, he just stopped talking to me - I was used to this happening - if he was upset/annoyed about something that I/one of my friends/family had said then instead of discussing it with me, he would just totally withdraw. This time, it was a very innocent and jokey comment made by my friends and it honestly was not offensive but he misread it and took it as an attack on him and what he stands for (even though he later conceded that i had not even said a word during this conversation!) He basically refused to say what was wrong but as usual in these situations, he just went nowhere near me (though affectionate when all's well, he would not cuddle/sit near me/only kissed me on the head (?)/gave me no eye contact/and basically only spoke to me about the bare essentials ie the children). I could have snapped him out of this though it traditionally takes a few days (groan) but this time, because I was just so bloody sick of feeling like a social worker at these times, I didnt. I stayed civil and reasonably friendly but just played him at his own game and stopped asking him what was wrong. I wasn't playing games in fact but just hoped that if i acted like an adult and didn't try to 'mother' him by cajoling him out of his mood, he would 'come to'. He let this go on for 3 months!!! On boxing day, he hugged me and said 'come on, let's forget about this silly not talking, hey?' I said that I was not just going to brush over this and wanted to discuss things properly as this was not normal in a relationship and horrible for the children. Nothing more was said and then a few days later, I admit I was being a bit arsy (honestly not horrendous just a bit of a pain in the bum and snappy) about taking the christmas tree down (i'm only mentioning this to emphasise that it was my fault and i was snappy but it was over something very mundane) but he didn't like the way i spoke to him and he just exploded. He shouted incredibly loudly at me, saying 'you'd better back off or i'm warning you, you'll regret it as i'll say some things that will really upset you'. (He always seems to react as though I'm attacking him). The children were upset (I didn't shout, not least because I wouldn't have been heard but also because the kids were right there and clearly upset). I waited til the evening, told him that his response was unreasonably aggressive, and when he mocked me, saying i'd better say my piece because it's very boring and he could only listen to it for a little while, and that we are clearly totally incompatible, I said 'Ok, fine, well for me, that's it, we are totally incompatible and I can't deal with this anymore, it's over.' He agreed but then in the morning fell apart when he realised i meant it. He begged, bought me presents, cried etc and i felt terrible, constanly questioned myself and whether i'm a total bitch etc but in the end just felt that whether i'm in the wrong, he is or it's just both of us, i don't want to continue in this unstable, rocky relationship.
I am now pushing him to move out as he has dug his heels in and i guess we've both let time pass as we've actually got on very well as just friends living together but I feel now that he we have to separate or we never will. In all of this, though i haven't mentioned them much and the effect this is having on them, i am very aware that the most important thing is our gorgeous children. We both love them very, very much. He feels that it will completely mess them up if we split up and my stance has always been that it's better for them to see us living separately but happy, than together and unhappy. I have spoken to a couple of friends and their overriding response is 'leave him, these rows are not normal and very bad for the children, the children will be OK' but more than that, they keep saying that i 'deserve' a life too. That's the problem - i feel incredibly selfish - on him, on the children, on everyone who is going to be affected by this like my parents who will worry (even though i'm practically bloody middle-aged!) I've tried to present a fair picture of things but i know it will have been more one-sided really.
Would you leave or would you stay, like he wants to, together longer (he suggested til youngest was 18!) but i'm thinking maybe a few years until they are older and can understand it more. Could that work? Am I expecting too much in a relationship? Am I dramatic? Is it an OK idea to stay living together just 'as friends' for the sake of the children? Sorry it is SOOO long!