Thoughts, opinions please on how to negotiate with ex.

[giesabosie]

Not quite sure what I'm after here. Just some thoughts, opinions on how best to move forward. I tried posting on Lone Parents but maybe there is more traffic here...

My ex left me about 5 years ago. He moved in with a much younger woman. She eventually dumped him. On the whole he is a decent father who takes the kids without fail and pays his maintenance on time. Usually we manage to negotiate most things although I often feel it's me who's the one doing all the compromising and he does not really understand how much work I do to ensure clubs are paid, uniforms are organised, verrucas are treated etc etc.

Anyway, he announced this week that he wants the kids for Christmas and I'm heartbroken. The logical part of my brain knows that having had the kids for the past few Christmases it's his turn. I also realised last year that my DD (8) was upset because she was worried about him being on his own at Christmas and that this year I would need to do things differently to take this into account. I just can't seem to get past my resentment though. The choices he has made mean I have to consider being without my kids on Christmas Day. There is no acknowledgement from his side that this might be difficult for me. I guess he misses them too but I think that's his fault.

So I'm after some thoughts on how to tackle this negotiation. I don't do conflict very well so negotiation scares me. Also, how do I deal with all my emotions. I'm surprised at how much anger has been brought to the surface by this issue when on the whole I thought I'd moved on and didn't care so much. It's difficult to think about what might be best for the children when I'm so annoyed. Is this normal after so long? Would counselling help? I find friends and family are annoyed for me which doesn't help me achieve the calm perspective needed.

From a practical viewpoint, how far away does he live? can you both have some time on Xmas day or is it all or nothing? (My dad was 8 hours away by train!)
I think no matter how much you think you're over it/moved on/risen above it there will always be things that stir up the feelings of hurt and anger. You will feel ok about it again.

Not sure this is what you want to hear, but although he left the relationship, nobody can force anyone to stay.
If he is a good father, he and the children deserve to spend every other Christmas together.
If you can manage to have them on Christmas Eve or even Boxing Day, it can still be special to all of you too.

On the other hand, don't be the one always who always compromises. Be a little selfish occasionally. It helps you feel less resentful. And make sure you have enough free time.
Just don't do anything for the sake of tack for tack. Do what is best for the children, not him, obviously.

Sadly, there will be sad times when they will be away from you. You need to prepare yourself for that, but there's still time till Christmas.

I think you've got off lightly having 4 years of DC to yourself every Christmas after splitting up! 'Who left who' is immaterial to Christmas discussions - if there is an active contact arrangement then Christmas is shared on the basis that DCs want to see both parents at christmastime. We used to 'take turns' to have the DCs wake up in our house on Xmas day, and 'handover' on Xmas afternoon. 'Xmas day the reprise' took place in the other house the next day - the DCs actually quite liked having 2 'Christmas days'!! Obviously it's not so easy if you live a way apart, or if you have a strong faith that makes Xmas day immovable. But in principle, it's shared so the DCs can celebrate with both parents. I was never short of invitations from good friends to join them for Xmas lunch when I was 'home alone' on Xmas day.

We do 'one on one off'. Took me a long time to get my head in the right place though.

If neiher of you has a current partner is there any way you could all have Christmas Day together?Otherwise could you have them Christmas Eve and Morning then him have them in the afternoon and Boxing Day?

Have replied to your other thread

Thanks everyone. Plenty to think about.

We do live near each other but he has a girlfriend so I don't think we'd manage Christmas Day together. I feel a day each would probably work best although I think he'll push for more. I guess like everything that's happened in the last few years I'll need to suck it up and get on with it.

It's hard though isn't it? I know my mum will be disappointed too. She lives a fair distance away with my extended family and she'll miss the excitement of Christmas morning (especially since we lost my dad this year).

I guess I'll finally get my head in the right place but I wish it wasn't taking so long.

I wouldn't give up my dc for all the christmas days not a chance in hell unless court ordered.

I would compromise and invite him over for christmas dinner, or do half days, even if he picked them up at 11 and brought them back say 6 that would be ok with me but not seeing them would not work for me at all. Could he not do christmas with them on boxing day so they have 2 christmas's??

Me and my ex share Xmas day, last year I had dd from Xmas eve until 3pm Xmas day, then ex had her 3pm and all of Boxing Day. This year the timings will be the same but the other way around parent wise. I hated it, but it did work well and importantly DD got double the amount of love from both parents.

I feel your pain, this will be my first Christmas without DC on Christmas Eve/ Christmas morning

But you will just have to accept that the norm for most separated couples is one on/ one off, and be thankful for having them the last 4 years to yourself. That doesn't make it feel any better though!

If you're children are happy to go to their dads be thankful, at least their aren't having to be dragged there kicking and screaming. If you focus on them and making them comfortable with it, and not letting on in the slightest how much it upsets you, it will make it more bearable.