I cant get over my marriage break up :(

[jesscakes]

I left my husband because I felt lonely in my marriage. I havnt had the best upbringing and I suffered with Pnd after my daughters were born. I kind of became a bit of a loner and it was like I was trapped in this little world, and couldnt get out!! When I left I became a completely different person, lifes changes and people along the way, 3 years on have made me who I am today, someone better than when I was married. I lost weight, started college, met new friends, I was able to be me. (Why couldnt I be me when I was married?) The thing is if I was this person I am today when I was married I may never have left my husband. How do I get over something like this? How do I move on from the guilt?

Sorry to hear you are still struggling jesse I would think that if you are still coming to terms with " what could have been" you need some help - have you had any counselling? If not see if you can get a referal from your GP.or maybe you are suffering depression and need some help there ?

It's. not helpful to look back in the past and say if... ( I know as I did that for a while) read all the self help/ breakup books I could at the time , bored friends and family to death over it all , but they stood by and mopped up tears until eventually I woke one morning and thought " hmm not shaking today..."

It really is a case of distancing yourself from him and thinking what YOU want now. It is your life now. I also found there came a point when I said I will not let home ruin the rest of my life and realised it was up to me to make the 2nd half of my life happy . I'm not there yet but I also see
I had become a different person to who I wanted to be Nd was compromising in situations I was unhappy about.

It really sounds like you are making a new life for yourself (college , friends etc) so well done for doing that: be proud of yourself but not too proud to ask for help ! ((Hugs))

but that's why you left; for whatever reason, you could not develop in that relationship
it's sad, but it's nobody's fault

Is it a loss of dreams? What you hoped the marriage would be? Sadness about it all? Or perhaps guilt?

I agree counselling may help

You may meet and marry someone who will allow you to be the real you. There's hope for the future and it sounds like you're making lots of positive steps.

Thats the whole point isnt it, I am sure if I was the self confident ,mellow and chilled woman I mostly am these days my XH wouldnt have left but being with him didnt leave me feeling any of those things

Then he wasn't right for you! A partner should allow you to be all of those things, it's like that light under a bushel!! No husband / partner should make you feel you can't be what/ who you want to be. If you wanted to do/ be those things then he should have supported you to be able to.

Maybe one day he will see he made a mistake ... But don't waste your life thinking he might . Live it!!

That song by Bruno Mars " when I was your man" rings so true and I hope one day ex sees me that way, I never danced in 20 years with him now I dance all the time ! Ex thought it was silly and immature, new man thinks its sexy... Keep reading that positives thread!!

Thank you all for your messages, it helps already knowing I can chat about it on here. Yes I have honestly been thinking recently I may need counselling as I was the person I was when I was married from a not so nice upbringing. Im honestly not depressed just quite sad about yes what should of been and yes guilt definitely. Its nice to hear its nobodys fault as he wont take any blame all he says is you told me it was over he walked out of the door and never looked back and had moved in with another women within 3 months. He has the life we could never afford and also we struggled as our 2 young daughters would never sleep. We never went out, we didnt do anything and now he does alot.

I am 36 I cant imagine myself remarrying to be honest. I have come a long way, definitely. and I am proud of myself in many ways. I guess I am carrying alot of guilt but my friend says to me all of the time you would never be who you are today if you were still married but I honestly dont know why I was so trapped. I know my kids would have a family. I have an older daughter who isnt his, but she looked up to him as a dad from the age of 3 to 15. When he left he left her too which I feel so sad about.
Do things really happen for a reason? Along my journey I have had to become a positive person as Its been a rollercoaster of emotions and Iv had to fight in everyway to keep the home and keep the family together. Iv had so many barriers thrown in my way, is this karma? As he is living in his girlfriends big house, holidays every year and has bought a new car. He has so much free time. Am I bitter? I dont want to be. I think to myself if I was with someone would I be thinking how I think?

Free time for me is worse bit of bring single who wants free time when you could be with you're family ? I bet that's not all its cracked up to be.

Probably not Jesse , I have and to teach myself to not allow trust to be lost, I am a great believer in trust, treat everyone as trusting until they prove you otherwise ( this has been hard and some may say foolish) but I felt it wasn't me t be suspicious and untrusting of everyone.

I'd suggest s

Sorry posted too soon..
Id suggest ...Attending some counselling sessions to try to sort yourself out and you may fine as you be o e happier you may be open to the idea of someone new in your life ( and although I'm happy to be single it certainly is a great boost to the ego!!)

What about inviting him for dinner/coffee see what he thinks of the new you ? You have a lot of history, if its meant to be without you going backwards maybe let him see what he's missing ?

Just a thought.

Jess, try to remember what it was like being in that marriage. You were lonely and sad. It wasn't what you needed. You say you have come a long way since and I believe you. Also, it is quite common to remember the good bits, and minimise the bad/not-so-good bits.

I think your feelings of guilt may be getting in the way of you moving on, and healing from your own upbringing, forgiving yourself.

Is your ex involved with the children? Does he pay anything? If not, please go to CSA and get that sorted. Then you may have a bit of money over to pay for counselling - sometimes you have to wait quite a long time for NHS counselling. I think counselling will help you enormously.

Mosman.. I begge him to come back in the november as it was our youngests birthday and I couldnt cope with how I felt but he said its too late he didnt love me anymore and by then he was seeing someone else. Too much has gone on for us to be even friends, he has completely walked away. He does pay maintenance and sees the girls every other weekend.
I was thinking about paying but I think I will need quite a few sessions and not too sure I can afford it, so was thinking about waiting on the nhs as I dont know what else to do.
I do try and remember and he hasnt upportive over the past few years with anything, hes too wrapped up in his new life so its not so much him I miss its what could of been. He wasnt a cheat or a drinker and he was abusive. He just wasnt emotionally there for me but I didnt help matters :(
Thankyou all for your messages. I think I do need counselling!

I think you r don't all you can then, there's no might have beenz.
So the next stage is operation wonderful you :-). I find a diary helps massively because you can look back and see how far you've come in a relatively short space of time.
It's so hard, but they say it takes 50% of the time you were with them to be completely over them and its harder I think if you've not met somebody better - not to say you won't - but you wouldn't mind them showing up sooner rather than later if you're anything like me ;-)

Jesse, I could have written your story myself. It is so hard isn't it? I don't think there is an easy answer, on a bad day I try and remember that if we were right together I could have been the person I am now whilst I was with him. Mostly all I remember is the good times which is really really hard. Sorry for what you're going through.