contesting an adultery divorce

[chocoreturns]

I'll keep it brief -

Utter twunt of STBXH has threatened to contest the adultery petition I have filed unless I agree to pay slightly more than half of all costs.

What evidence would a Judge think it is necessary to provide the court with if he does deny it? I don't have emails or a confession, but I do have a witness who will confirm he was sleeping with OW at our home while I was out. Is that enough?

Yet again he surpasses himself by being a total and utter .

I'm not even angry, just sick of the nonsense.

TIA for advice

Oh God Choco, I've lurked since your first thread but never posted before, I cannot believe the latest, what an absolute bastard! I have nothing at all to contribute apart from sympathy - sorry!

If you have a witness who will testify that he was committing adultery, then tell twunt to contest to his hearts content - you have a witness so it's not just his word against yours. And no, you're not negotiating about the costs.

Stupid man. I take it he's not being legally advised?

you could argue that the divorce costs should be paid 100% by the adulterer, after settlement, given that it is their behaviour in breaking marriage vows and therefore the relationship which is the cause. Why should the innocent party pay for the adulterer's behaviour?

I'd post in legal or on wikivorce for advice.

I haven't followed your previous threads and I'm astounded at his behaviour. Utter arse.

I fail to see that it matters what the petition says are the grounds. I kept mine to adultery, I didn't name the OW on it nor did I list everything he'd done, as it wasn't necessary imo, he'd left me for someone else and didn't want to be with me. So that's what I said. I didn't think a judge would refuse the divorce. It sailed through and we divorced quickly. The kids will never see a copy of the petition, nor did anyone else apart from ExH and the judge.

What does he want the petition to say out of a matter of interest?

I'm so so sorry choc. What does your solicitor say? Will he consider mediation?

He won't consider mediation, he's self-representing because he doesn't think it's worth paying a solicitor, and he's utterly furious that I have chosen to pay a solicitor myself because in his opinion it's completely unnecessary and I could have downloaded forms off the internet for free.

The only place he seems to feel anything is his wallet. I'm not surprised any more. He told my sol that he has 'no inclination to put himself at risk of financial hardship' to further my desire for a divorce, and that his 'goodwill' in this matter has been extinguished by my behaviour. (By which he means when my solicitor instructed a short break in access to our DC due to his intimidating bahaviour in my home).

My sol says press on, serve papers by court bailiff and get a judge to rule on costs. I'm just concerned about the process of him contesting the petition, if he can, and want to be prepared. The whole thing just makes me feel a bit wobbly with stress.

Thanks for all your replies x

He's a pathetic little bully. If you trust your solicitor, I'd go with his advice. Mine is shitting himself about being divorced for adultery. OW is 'deeply upset' at being named apparently Ironically, before I had the 'proof' of adultery I was divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour, including DV against myself and the kids - that apparently was much more acceptable to the happy couple than adultery

Stick to your guns - I think that this kind of closure is very important.

'The only place he seems to feel anything is his wallet'

So he wants you to suffer financially as well. I think the judge will see right through him if it goes to court. It will also cost him far more if it becomes a long and lengthy legal battle. Your solicitor is right. Keep pushing on with it.

So so stressful for you

My ExH had no legal representation but we tried to discuss a lot between ourselves and agree it between us and then I told the solicitor what we'd agreed. But you cannot reason with unreasonable people and your ex is trying to punish you here with this petty behaviour. Don't give in. Paying half the costs is more than reasonable and no judge would agree to his request imo.

He's such an arse, out of all of the nasty gits who have graced mumsnet with their shitty behaviour, I think he is the one I'd most like to poke with a stick.

Why was he intimidating you in your house Choco?, if you don't mind me asking.

It was when our second DS was newborn, and related to his behaviour verbally, not physically. Essentially he wanted me to agree to let him divorce me (blaming me for unreasonable behaviour rather than his adultery) instead of waiting for me to file when I was able to cope emotionally with the divorce.

He regularly used contact with our 3 week old DS, every week until he was 9 weeks old, to pressure me to a) meet his girlfriend (so she could then meet our baby), b) accept a clean break financially without legal representation, and c) go to mediation an hours drive away leaving my EBF baby with someone else for 3 hours so that he could get me to agree to the first two points in writing.

Generally he harrassed me and bullied me to get on with the divorce and introducing the OW to our kids when I was literally still post-natal and recovering from a section. Every time I saw him I was getting increasingly stressed and upset because he showed no interest in our baby but insisted on trying to get me to agree to these things as I handed DS2 over.

He's not agressive physically, but I felt really frightened of seeing him, completely exhausted emotionally and beaten down by his constant pressure to get things done on his timetable. I broke down at my solicitors office in tears because I was too scared to ask for a break from seeing him, and she basically told me she was going to write to suspend contact for a month while I saw a GP to access support and recovered from my section.

He doesn't accept that he was unreasonable at all during this period.

Sorry I misunderstood, I thought you meant he'd been intimidating in your new home, I've read all of your threads.

He really is utterly utterly repugnant.

Push on as you and your Solicitor have planned.

Take care and good luck.

he's not been in my new home :) which is bloody lovely I have to say! Thanks for the advice and support YSCSD. I will indeed push on.

I'm going to aim for it being over and done with by Jan next year. Who knew getting un-married takes so long?

He really is a sickening cunt isn't he?

Refuse to deal with him. Tell him to contact through your solicitor in writing only.

Fuck him, the nasty twat. I hope you can present all this information to the judge so that ALL costs are awarded to him, and a punitive financial arrangement too.

Let your solicitor guide you on this.

Oh honestly. The court has seen it all before, really they have. If he wants to contest your petition he will have to file an acknowledgement of service and then an answer to your petition... the likelihood of him doing that within the prescribed time limits and within the rules imposed by court procedure are nil (imo). Take no notice. Listen to your solicitor.

Second the above & if he gets more arsey get your sol to write that you will push for him to pay a greater proportion/ALL costs if he insists on dragging it out.

He's a complete and utter arse, but it sounds like you have got yourself a good legal beagle so leave it up to them.

Well the letter won't just go to him it will go to the OW as well. Is she going to deny it?

He brought OW to meet your new baby at a few weeks old - when does he say his relationship with her started?

I remember going through similar with my ex, he refused to accept any letter from my solicitor, we had to send a bailiff round. When the two letters arrived he didn't realise OW would get one so hid his letter and didn't tell her. Apparently she was furious at being named - but hey, sleep with a married man and you reap what you sow.

The best bit for me was the bit on the form that asks you what evidence you have, I put "OW is pregnant with his child"

BTW as you are still married, you do realise he is still committing adultery if/when he is sleeping with OW. Your witness to it happening while you were living together is good but are they both living at the same address? That is pretty good proof.

If you go to 192.com and put in his name ans post code it will tell you who else lives there. A screen shot is ample proof they are in a relationship, particularly if it is a one bed roomed place.

I have not read your other posts, sorry, this one just reminded me of my situation. You can always cross your fingers she gets pregnant.

if the only thing he is interested in is his wallet, then he is a fool to contest the divorce, No solicitor would suggest that he should.

My advice FWIW, press on with your plan and ignore ignore ignore.

twat ( him, obviously)

Yes, he is a complete and utter twunt.

My ExH behaved appallingly and wouldn't consult a solicitor as he reckoned it was all costing him too much anyway. it ended up costing him a lot more than if he had taken legal advice, I got far more than the Judge would have awarded Take your solicitors advice. I did name the OW for adultery and that actually speeded things up, as she was still living in her marital home at the time. My Solicitor, who had had the pleasure of several arsey phone calls from ExH, suggested naming the OW and sticking with Adultery as a way to get the divorce moving and to get the optimum financial settlement. She was right.

Check with your solicitor, but from memory Adultery is still applicable if their relationship is continuing after separation even if he won't admit anything happened whilst you were still living together, as long as you started divorce action within 6 months.

PM me if you want anymore info. It does get better eventually, but it is so hard to believe that someone you cared for, and the father of your children can behave in such a way. Suspect they may be thinking about marrying in a church which is why they don't want an at fault adultery divorce naming them both.

Unless the witness saw them having sex he will be able contest it, adultery is having sex nothing else, just go for unreasonable behaviour and make him pay the lot.

Oh and being divorced for adultery won't stop them marrying in church, my stbex cheated on his first wife and married me in church, clearly means fuck all to him.

he has until Tuesday to acknowledge and return the petition to court so I'm going to sit tight and wait and see what happens. I hope if I fail to rise to the bait he will lose interest in making the whole process horrible (wishful thinking I suspect). Thank you for all the advice - I'll let you know what happens and what my sol advises we do next!

I'm not naming her btw, on my solicitors advice. Which I'm still not sure I agree with. She has signed some agreement in Family Law (code of conduct) that is supposed to be all about being conciliatory so she doesn't agree to doing things that make people bitter. If she's not 100% in my court however on this issue I will change solicitors. I have no reason to make conciliatory efforts on his behalf.

Ehric, yes, yes he is.

:(

I empathise with feeling so beaten down by the process of being bullied by an abusive (verbally or physically) X, and believing that they may have the right of things.
Your X sounds much like mine .....no solicitor was worth the money because he was smart enough to handle it all himself......and would trounce me legally because I was obviously "stupid".

The fact is, he is wrong. The only counsel you need to be listening to is your solicitor because she is working in your best interests and trained to know exactly what the courts will want/need/ and in which way they are likely to rule.
Listen to her. Ignore your Ex, whatever the threats and manipulations. If they get too much, tell your solicitor you need to stop him harassing you.

You have far more power than you realise.
Stay strong.

Is she part of Resolution?

I didn't name my OW. For me I'm glad I made that decision. But so far your solicitor sounds like she is making good choices IMO.