Should he have come home?

[SpottyPony]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I have written this several times and not had the courage to post as I am feeling very down and sensitive but could use some intelligent insight, the sort that I have come to admire on MN.

The situation is that DH is working away abroad, has been for the last 7 weeks and not due to leave for another fortnight. On Wednesday our DS (6mo) fell ill and was referred to hospital from the doctors. He was admitted and fitted with an IV drip for fluids as he was dehydrated from severe D&V which later transpired to be gastroenteritis. Very listless and crying in pain, I was hugely worried about him. I don't live in the UK and have no family around for support. I called the relevant numbers to inform his seniors what was happening and to let DH know too. I received a phonecall to say DH has been informed and is being offered a flight back the next day to be home and support us and to hold out for further information. I did feel bad for interfering with his work commitments but needed support, and also out of respect for him as a parent and thought he should be there with us.

He refused the flight. A friend even offered him his flight and told him he would fly out another date and that DH should be at home with us. He said he "didn't want to" and that he had "things to do". Their main purpose of being out there has now ended and is merely tying up loose ends and preparing to return home. He asked about DS once during his first day in hospital, the second day I heard nothing and had to contact him to inform him of progress. I have now not heard from him since my last contact to him, we have been discharged today as DS is a lot better. DH's last communication with me was to inform me I was being a nag, to leave him alone as he was busy and has since deleted himself from the apps that we kept in contact with and I am unable to get through to his phone when I call. I should mention that where he is has a good nightlife and he has been out several times since getting there, so it appears he is having too good a time to come back and support his family.

AIBU for thinking his main priority should have been to get home to his poorly son and to support me too? I don't know whether I'm sounding whingey and needy. There is a backstory so as not to dripfeed - DH has been at home for just 5 weeks of DS's life as he's been away with work so frequently, but when home he doesn't interact with him unless forced, ignores him during the night (has gotten up once during the night and that's when I literally begged him and he did so with very bad temper) and will leave him in dirty nappies if I'm not there as he "didn't realise he needed changing". He has several younger siblings and has been around babies a lot. He says as I'm on maternity leave, it's my job to do everything associated with looking after a baby and that he shouldn't have to do anything. This includes any housework and cooking as he says that's my role now. When DS was born he had to stay in ICU for 11 days as he didn't breathe for some considerable time after a traumatic 26 hour induced labour (which DH went home for the most part as he was tired) and he visited him 3 times during those 11 days as he "doesn't do hospitals", so it's not as if this uncaring attitude is purely caused by his absence due to work and not bonding properly with DS as it appears he's never cared from day one.

This is something I am prepared to LTB for as it's the last straw really. This is probably the longest AIBU ever typed so if you are still reading, thank you so much for your time.

Hurray for your sister and BIL. How lovely to have their visit to look forward too.

That's so good to hear from your sister. Please let us know how things go... Chin up and don't let the fucker get you down (too much).

Hope you've had a peaceful evening Spotty x

Spotty, you sound very together and focused.

Your H seems to be living the very stereotypical 'squaddie' lifestyle. The limited experience I have of forces life is with a 'squaddie' - I recognise so much of his behaviour in your H's. I know they go through awful experiences but its no excuse to drag a wife & baby through hell.

I just wanted to say that in my short-lived experience, there's nothing like the threat of civvy police getting involved to make the RMPs act a bit faster. If your H behaves like a twunt again and the RMPs aren't responding, then don't hesitate to seek help elsewhere.

Wishing you lots of luck as you start building a fantastic future

Read your whole thread tonight Spotty.

I wish I could wrap you in a big fleece blanket, stroke your hair, look after your son while you sleep and tell you what an amazing young woman you are.

And I am quite an old lady so I know what I'm talking about.

It is so hard to believe that your parents don't just want to rush in and take care of you and your son. So pleased that your sister has responded in a more caring way. Hope you're as ok as you could be right now.

Hi everyone, thank you for your continued support. Today I am feeling really resentful, angry and just so disappointed that my marriage has gone this way. Without the cheating, the marriage was pretty much ruined down to his lack of interest in our son and his terrible attitude and behaviour towards me. I just feel so bitter that I had gone into this situation so excitedly, so full of optimism and couldn't wait to settle down and be a wife and a mother. He literally begged me to allow us to start trying for a family not long after we got married; I wanted children as well and was more than happy to go along with it. Then what do I get when I've finally given him a beautiful baby boy and cared for him on my own 24/7 for weeks and months on end - he cheats and then wants nothing more to do with him. He is living in the block, going out getting pissed every night and spending the rest of the day in bed whilst I care for our son round the clock without any help at all. It's so unfair, I keep getting tearful at the injustice of it all.

Sorry this is a really whiney post, I am just so up and down at the moment and can't come to terms with how all of this has happened. The estate is full of life and noise again as all the guys are back from the exercise and people are having barbeques, parties, there's "Welcome Home Daddy" banners all over the doors and here's me sat inside a bare house living in limbo until I get shipped off into a refuge centre where I will be struggling to make ends meet with a baby whose father wants nothing more to do with. I can't make head nor tail of it and today has been a very down day where I can't find the energy to keep motivated and have come to a standstill. I was emptying out some drawers and our wedding album was inside one of them - we both looked so young, happy and full of life with our friends and family watching us say our vows which clearly meant nothing to him. I ripped them all up and put them in the bin.

I feel so defeated and so, so lonely.

Couldn't read and run - huge hugs to you.

Treat it like a bereavement. Nobody would expect you to be upbeat all the time. You have done amazing things towards getting your life back on track. Don't be hard on yourself, you're entitled to feel bloody pissed off. Your h has been a shit.
Be kind to yourself and try and do something nice, even if it's only a bubble bath with candles and a magazine.

Remember, you'll come through this with dignity and a new life ahead of you. Maybe not the one you had planned, but a better one.

I would also recommend keeping a diary of everything that's happening incase you find yourself with a custody battle or other problems on your hands later.

I second this advice from OrangeLily. Use this thread as a reference too.

Oh spotty these feelings are normal and come in waves. You're not whining.

You will get through it but on days like today, be kind to yourself. Don't stay in alone, can you go to a friends for the afternoon?

Hey Spotty, I know it will be difficult but here is a trick I used during the dark days of my escape (violence/divorce) 30 odd years ago. When faced with memories that were having a negative affect, I would force myself to think of what positive effect these experiences will have on the new life I would have. It is a steep learning curve but you have already learned that you can get on without him and in fact are doing a great job of arranging the move and initial accomodation etc. You have learned that men with a chequred past seldom change no matter how much you would want them to or believe they will. You have also learned that there are folk out there rooting for you and there is a wealth of knowlege and hard earned experience for the taking and you have learned to ask for it. Now learn not to dwell on the past other than to have it serve as a lesson on what not to do in the future. Focus instead on the future and the vast possibilities. You have allready started by dumping that piece of trash but try not to think all men are barstards, you just need to be alert, you now know what to look out for. I resolved after my escape to see everything as an opportunity. I spent 4 years learning who I was and what I wanted from my life. When the time was right, (and by that I mean that I was comfortable with myself and knew my mind) I met and married a great guy. We celebrate our silver wedding next month but I would have been equally content alone had he not come on the scene. It is true what they say...As one door closes, another one opens. Look out for the doors and don't be afraid to step in but be sure to have your whitts about you.
Consider your bum kicked into gear, now get on and plan an exciting new life for yourself and your son. X

PS Spotty, I'm not saying it's not going to be bloody hard, but nothing truly worth having is easy. I remember the first months alone with nothing in the fridge but potatoes & baked beans, no money, no friends (I moved 105 miles from everyone I knew) thinking Christ what have I done, However the next thought was, yes but I am now in charge of my life and I will make something of it. And I did!

Glad you're getting out of this and you have family on your side - your sister and BIL. Please take people up on their offers on this thread, I am too far away to be any use but I know when people offer help on an anonymous forum they tend to mean it!

"boring, crap in bed, that I don't do anything for him anymore and he's been miserable for a long time. He says any man in his position would have done the same and I need to sort my life out in order to not "repel" any future men"

I have never read such a load of utter victim blaming crap in my life. He's not been cheating on you, he's been leading complete other lives. I have never disgnosed someone by internet before and usually discourage it but he has a huge personality disorder, surely?

DontstepontheMomeraths I was going to call in on a friend, but decided to muck out another friend's stable for her so she wouldn't have to go up the yard later, she has 3 DC and thought it would be nice for her on a Sunday not to have to go up and muck out after doing the Sunday roast! I think wallowing in the house was making me feel worse as there's so many memories here, so from now on I'm going to try and keep as busy as possible (shouldn't be hard with the huge list of things still yet to do and with DS who has decided naps are for losers! ) and keep my mind from dwelling on the past. I have cheered up a bit since posting last, I do worry that my moods are rising and crashing quite quickly but am wondering if it's normal considering it's been very upsetting.

Celiafate Thank you, and yes it is like a bereavement isn't it? When DS is settled tonight I am going to try and have a bath, will take the video monitor in the bathroom with me as he's not getting much sleep at the moment for any longer than an hour as I think his teeth are giving him bother.

apprenticemum Your post is really helpful, thank you. It is very encouraging to hear that you went through such hard times and came out of it so well, you sound like a very determined brave lady and you've given me a wake up call - the world is my oyster! This is the time to reinvent myself if I so wish, I no longer have to upheave my life every couple of years to follow him around with his career and I can go back to college, re-train to be a nurse, pass my driving test (who knows, 6th time lucky?! ) anything.

SPBisResisting I have been concerned in the past about his mental health and am now more than sure that he is suffering with some kind of personality disorder. He swings from blaming me, to showing remorse, straight back to blaming me, to utter cruelty and coldness to asking me if I "fancy a bit of fun" despite everything and has very grand ideas about himself, followed by saying that no one cares about him. It really is quite erratic behaviour and is ringing alarm bells with me. However I have asked him in the past if I could help at all or if he needed to go and speak with someone and got told to shut up so it's something he can maybe deal with in time. And yes, I will definitely be taking posters up on their offers of meeting and with their help, it is so nice to have this kind of support from people I don't even know! I will definitely return the kindness in any way possible too

Well Spotty- If you don't need a lift when you arrive then I do hope that you will take me up on my offer of helping you when the time comes to college/nurse training.

I am a nurse and trained locally (both college for Access course and University in bham)- I hope that I may be able to help you in the future!

Tiredemma that would be wonderful if you could point me in the right direction for how I would go about training to be a nurse, especially as I would be going for it in the same area that you trained in! Thank you so much, that would be so helpful and a massive help to me. Very exciting!

That's the spirit Spotty, the only thing that can hold you back is trepidation...What's the worst that can happen? It might turn out not to be your thing. Consider it another lesson learned and move on to the next, till you find out what is. Onwards and upwards!

Hi.

So sorry to read about your situation, OP.

As many of you will know, it's our policy to post this on any thread where there are mentions of donations:

We do advise all our members to be aware that not everyone on t'internet is who they say they are, and that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Thanks
MNHQ

Thanks Julie, the help I was referring to up thread was purely emotional support that had been offered to me, friendly offers to meet locally when I arrive at my new place and the very kind offers of lifts from the airport when I reach the UK, which has been resolved by my sister and BIL picking me up. Not long after I started the thread a kind poster offered to give me baby clothes which I declined due to DS already having plenty of clothes and that they could go to a worthier cause, and I believe another poster said if any kind of fund was ever started to help me to take my horse with me to the UK she would add to it. My horse isn't coming with me as she's being loaned so nothing like that happened nor would I allow it despite it being a generous idea.

I haven't received any pm's about financial offerings nor would I accept them if I had as it is in my nature to try sort things out myself. I have been using this thread purely as a means to gather opinions and help form my thoughts for what lies ahead in my future. I would never take advantage of people's good nature and the kindness I have been shown here.

That's OK, SpottyPony, there's no need to explain. We have to post that on every thread where there's a hint of a collection or a donation of any sort. We hope you understand that it's not personal to you or your situation.

All the best,

MNHQ.

Ah Julie (are you new? , we know you're just looking after us all because some trolls have been on here)

Spotty don't worry about the mnhq posts, it's their duty do to so and please don't feel awkward in any way..

Anyway...

Get your ass out of there and away from that waster. Good luck.

@Monty27

Ah Julie (are you new? , we know you're just looking after us all because some trolls have been on here)

Spotty don't worry about the mnhq posts, it's their duty do to so and please don't feel awkward in any way..

Anyway...

Get your ass out of there and away from that waster. Good luck.

New? Nope. I'm usually around on Tuesdays but we're having a bit of a rejig.

De-lurking to say that I admire you so much, I have been following your story and wishing I could do something to help. All I can do is to tell you that if I am half the mother you are showing yourself to be, I will be very happy. To put your son first, to work so hard in such tough circumstances to give him a better life, is so admirable.

So many of us make the mistake of falling for someone who misleads us or changes for the worse, never regret it - this relationship gave you your son and you will be able to look back and see that it gave you the strength and resilience that is going to get you to new exciting places. Please follow those dreams that must have been just under the surface - look how quickly all those possibilities started exciting you and motivating you. I would love to see a post from you in the future about getting into nursing, to hear that you have a support network, are driving, smiling, raising a fantastic little boy, enjoying life on your own terms.

Thank you for sharing your story - I am sure that your strength will be inspiring others with confidence, please keep this thread alive and keep us all posted on how you progress for as long as you feel you can get something positive out of it.

Change the locks before he returns and get good legal advice. sorry he is horrid .

Just a quickie before I leap in t'shower, but glad to hear it's all going ahead, sorry about your parents, but it's good that your DS is on the case.

As to the hurt and frustration you're feeling, hope that's passing too. Yes, it really sucks sometimes that that woman you were (freshly married, etc) probably doesn't exist any more, but think of it like the snakeskin that you have to shed before you can grow. And from everything I've read from you, your "core" person is sweet, generous, loving, a great mother, a fighter (esp for your DC), honourable, articulate. So the person that's going to emerge from this will have all these qualities, and who knows what amazing things you'll be able to do with them now that you won't have twunt holding you back?!?

Don't mourn that old you very long - the new you is so much more worth your time and energy!