How to deal with partners ex

[Strugglingtocopejustnow]

Brief history- was married, had feelings for someone else and him me. He was also married. We left our partners and sorted out separate lives. That was 18 months ago. Once we were separated we began a relationship but kept it very quiet. We are still in the relationship although our kids don't know anything about it yet.
My ex knows there was someone else but has taken the bury head in sand approach- he never asks what I've been up to and I don't offer any info. We are still on good terms.
His ex has been very difficult, although met someone else herself 3 months after split and introduced her kids to him.
Now she has suspicions that we are seeing each other and is being very difficult- sending him texts to say there's no way she will allow her kids to spend time with me.
We are both separated so are free to see who we like but I'm afraid she will make life very hard for us.
We have no plans to introduce the kids to each other yet, although they do know each other.
I don't want to hurt the kids and am not sure how to deal with this.

You had an affair with her Husband.

You both left your partners and are still seeing each other.

She has suspicions and is pissed off.

Haven't you revealed your relationship yet?

She's still pissed off I imagine.

So you had an emotional affair and his ex wife doesn't like you? Seems fair enough to me if thats the case.

We didn't start the relationship till we had split from our partners and were living separately .

Don't think I'd be happy with my kids seeing any hmmm, insert any word you want here - that was instrumental in breaking up their family.

To be fair though it is 18 months down the line and the ex has a new man and is more than happy to let him spend time with her children.

I think it is unreasonable of her to think it is okay to introduce her new man to her kids but forbid OP from being able to spend time with them. It is using the children as a weapon and is being done to be hurtful (IMO).

I think it would be better that he's honest and says you are seeing each other but the kids do not know. Nor do you have plans to spend time with the children together for the foreseeable future, as that's a big step and would need handling sensitively to help the kids adjust or something along those lines. That he would respect her and not just introduce you suddenly to the kids as an item. Clearing the air a little and being honest is far better.

Stay out of it IMO. Let him discuss it with her. It will hopefully blow over as she adjusts to it all. They are no longer together and as hard it is, she has to allow the children to spend time with the other parent and their partner. But it can be handled sensitively.

I felt worse when I knew ExH was lying and I just knew he was with her. I felt much better once I knew. Angry of course but better as he'd denied it for a long time. And I did agree eventually to contact being with her and DCs with him, as I realised I had to let go and move on. I was being unreasonable. But I was cross for a while. And lucky that he listened to my pov.

I think it'll make things worse long term if he doesn't admit it now though. She knows, even though she has no proof and the anger will grow if you both deny it longer term. Then there maybe no way back to amicable co parenting once the history and anger and resentment grow to bigger proportions. Tell her the truth and let the dust settle. You have no plans to inform the kids yet. So it shows you are considerate. But the truth needs to come out IMO. Even if it puts the cat among the pigeons.

You are seperated but still married to your spouses.

Technically that is still adultery & still hurts a lot of people.

Get your divorces sorted out before you start talking of moving on, for all concerned.

I agree with DontstepontheMomeRaths.

It is a bit hypocritical that she's introduced a new man but I think she feels you were instrumental to the marriage ending and blames you. Although it does sound from your OP that your relationship began after.

I still stand by my advice as an ExW who allowed ExH and OW contact but then again I'm still single! So there's no hypocrisy here. But he needs to be honest with her.

Thanks don't step. Good advice
Yes we are still married- his absolute should be through soon. As things were amicable with my ex, we decided not to divorce but separate for 2 years then file for uncontested divorce.

If your kids know each other does that mean you were friends before you both left your previous partners?

I doubt very much that you have been as discreet as you think and that his (separated so still) wife has put two and two together, got four and is pissed off at the lying, secrecy and the fact that she's figured out why he left her now.

Understandable.

You can dress it up as much as you like. You were instrumental in the break up of her marriage. She has every right to despise you. Take a step back, stay out of his relationship with his children and wait for emotions to settle.