Mother tries to make dd favour her over me

[ExtremeCouponQueen]

Dd is almost 2. Mother used to look after her while I worked full time, but this didnt work very well, she refused to take her out, complained dd was hard work and I spoilt her because she used to run to the door and ask to go out. I said it was cruel to not even take her to the shops etc for some fresh air, we subsequently fell out ver badly and I ended up putting her in nurser full time. Dd LOVES nurser and it was the best decision.

When mother looked after her she would comaplin how tired she was everyday, used to tell me to take holiday to give her a break, when I offered to out her in nursery 2-3 days a week to help her out, she flipped out and said venomous things to me like I was using her, and if I don't trust her to look after dd FT then she won't look after her at all.

There were many days she would simply reuse to look after her and I had to take emgergency days holidays which wasn't ideal at all. She spouses to tell me I should be more grateful and thank her more (I thanked her more than I could count) and I think liked the control / power she had.

Anyway that's the back story.

Once dd was in nursery and I no longer relied on her, mother changed her ways sharp ish. Tying to be my friend again and pretending to like me again. (Just FYI she said hideous things to me including wishing I had a miscarriage - I am pregnant, and how she hoped my internal organs would fail and wouldn't let me use her toilet once).

Anyway we are on speaking terms now, but everytime she sees dd she overly spoils her and makes a ral effort to turn her against me. Today she tried to pretend take her to her home and made dd say she wanted to leave mummy, which really cut me up and hur me inside hearing dd say that. I know she didn't know want she was saying but it hurt me.

I don't know what I want by posting this, and am probably overly emotional it i feel so hurt.

Dd loved seeing her grandmother and it made me feel second best, especially when she said she didn't want to stay with me and wanted her grandmother (she copied what mother said). I said to mother "what are you playing at?" And she accused me of being touchy. Just feel a bit shit.

Not surprised to read you feel like this, its the latest in a very long line of such toxic behaviours shown towards you.

I would read the Stately Homes thread on these pages and post there as well.

What btw does your DH/DP think of his MIL?.

I would also now think very carefully about the current level of contact your DD has with her grandmother as she (your mother) is using her as a weapon against you. It needs to be lowered as of now. This type of toxic crap often filters down the generations as well and some people like your mother are not above using their grandchildren to get back at what they see as "errant" or "difficult" to them offspring.

If she is too difficult or toxic for you to deal with then she is certainly too toxic for your defenceless and vulnerable child. These people do not make for being good grandparents. Not all grandparents are kind and loving and as such they really should not be allowed any access to their grandchildren.

It is not your fault your mother is like this, her own birth family caused this to happen. What if anything do you know about her own background or childhood?.

My guess too is that your own relationship with your mother has always been difficult at best and dysfunctional at worst.

Why was contact actually resumed after all the terrible things she said to you?. It may have been down to your own feelings of FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. You would not put up with such ill treatment from a friend, family are truly no different.

I think saying that she wanted you to have a miscarriage is grounds enough for wanting to cut contact permenently.

Get that terrible woman out of your lives. Today.

Everything she has done is a dealbreaker. Or really should be!

You can do it!

I agree with everyone. I can hardly believe a mother would wish a miscarriage on her daughter. She's really awful.

I'm not sure whether I'd cut her out to the extent of literally never speaking to her again but I would certainly not let her mind my daughter and I wouldn't be voluntarily seeking her out.

Agree with all previous posters. It sounds like she is very jealous of your bond with your daughter. Presumably she and you did not have a good relationship when you were growing up?

This is the thing, we had a good relationship growing up, but things really changed when I ad my daughter, and certainly got a hell of a lot worse when I got pregnant again. She believes I've been selfish having two children 2 years apart in age. I'm married, homeowner, in my 30s, have a degree and career decent income, why cant. Have two children?!

I honestly don't know why I've posted, she's said terrible things to me and we didn't speak for a while and dh said to her unless she apologises to me for her nasty behaviour she's not welcome round here (I was in a state at this point and he stepped up for me). She apologised but it was very half heated. I busy into tears and hugged her but things haven't been the same really. I rarely call and when she does she only asks about dd.

Incidentally she says she "can't remember" saying those awful things, even though me and dh remember everything.

Dh has been very supportive which has kept me going.

Hmmm.

If she really can't remember what she said, she is either seriously deluding herself or has something like severe depression or altzheimers.

I can't for the life of me understand why a sane mother would consider her daughter 'selfish' for having 2 children in 2 years, unless she feels jealous of you in some way or you have been v inconsiderate and leaned on her too heavily for childcare - the latter doesn't sound likely, as you put your DD in nursery and she complained...

Do you think she is maybe feeling her age or battling some sort of demon - eg agoraphobia?? Doesn't want to admit it to herself/ you?

Speculating wildly here. The long and short of it is you need to do what you need to do to look after yourself and if that means cutting off or limiting contact, go for it.

The only thing I am think of is on the same year she sold the family home, retired and moved into a new home, them started looking after dd. i don't think I relied too heavily on e fir childcare t all - my ideal scenario was to have dd in nursery 2 days a week and with gran 3, but she took offence t this and said it was a slur on her being able to look after dd, she raised three kids etc and it was FT or nothing. I also offered to hire a nanny part time when she said she wouldn't take her out as she was too tired.

Lately she has come out with extremly bizarre comments - refusing to pay to gave catterats removed privately (nhs won do it yet ) despite having more than enough to pay or treatment, refusing smear tests and mammograms as she said if she gets cancer (in early 60s) se doesn't care if she dies now. I don't know if what she's saying is attention seeking - dh thinks so.

She thinks ts selfish having kids 2 years apart as she spaced us siblings 6-7 years apart, do oldest sister is 14 years older than me. None of us are close and although you can't guarantee closeness, I hope the small age gap will help rather hinder my children's relationship with each other (hopefully). Although I feel. Have paused my career to start a family and would like to have my mat leave and return to work within a year of having each child in order to get back to earning some money, promotion etc to help save some money for my children's future ultimately. How is our plans selfish, we've relied on no one, she offered to lok after her then this happens.

She's also told us point blank not to call her when I'm in labour as she doesn't want to look after dd during this time as she doesn't want her sleep disturbed. We didn't even ask, but this comment just feels nasty - she thinks I'm a wimp for wanting dh to be there at the birth of his second child. He also wants to be there and feels upset that she lives 10 mins drive (we would pay for a cab for her to come up), retired and when she needed us, we moved out of our bedroom for weeks in order to help her sell her house and compelte etc, yet shes gone out of her way to make it clear she doesnt want to help us. This has left us with limited childcare options including some friends (who may or may not be ale to make it) and hoping an emergency nanny agency is open.

T be honest I don't like the idea of her looking after dd when I'm in labour anyway.

Sorry for the major post and ranting everyone. Just feel le down and hurt by a lot of this recently and want to get it all out.

It does sound a bit like somethung is going on with her - not caring if you get cancer etc is not normal.

If you look back, say, 4 years, could you ever have imagined at that point that yr mum's behaviour would be like it is now! Is it completely out of character would you say?

Hello OP

She sounds more than a nightmare and i would be seriously keeping a distance tbh.
In fact apart from short visits to see her or her coming to you I would have no contact. She is completely out of order, but she does sound as though something isn't quite right.
It doesn't seem to add up because you said you had a good relationship prior to having your dd.
Do you think she may have an illness, as it is out of character.
I know she has said the most awful things that it would be hard for anybody to forgive, but as she's your mum it may just be worth seeing if there is somebody who can assess her, what do other family members think. Do they think she has gone weird all of a sudden, or would they find her her usual self?

Don't risk your relationship to dd just because you still wish your mother would be better! Your mother won't change, and she can have a massive influence on how your dd thinks it "should be" with mum and daughter.

on second thoughts, get your mum to see someone if it's completely out of character. Then there may be hope. She could be jealous at you for your success, for being able to get pregnant quickly, whilst she might not have been so lucky (with the big age gap).

You write that you had a good relationship with your mother before children; my guess is that this relationship was only good because you did as you were told and were perhaps seen by her as an extension of her. Also begin at home at that time made you easier to be manipulated by her. Often such relationships deteriorate and markedly when the adult has children themselves as has happened here.

Rewriting of history saying that she cannot remember saying such things is also what toxic parents actually do as well. Such people as well never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

It may well be that your mother has some untreated and untreatable personality disorder. It will do neither you, DH or your DD to have any contact with her. I think she is completely and utterly filled with hate and jealousy for you but again you are not responsible for how she acts towards you; she is.

I am glad to read that you have a supportive H; you need his ongoing support.