Work issues making me feel overwhelmed and stuck

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NCd for this as I've posted some personal things before and don't want the chance of them being linked to my work.

I'm feeling so mentally and emotionally stuck and am worried that I'm on a collision course with professional failure if I can't sort myself out. I need to work and exH is unreliable with child maintenance.

The past few years have been busy for me, personally and professionally. I've slowly and painfully divorced an EA substance abuser, studied for a second masters degree, dealt with some tricky personnel issues in the office, and pushed through several reviews in my work organisation which have led to a new department being set up to cover all the areas of my job description more fully.

I now feel totally rubbish and burnt out. It takes me a 12 hour day to accomplish what I could previously do in an hour. I'm sure everyone at work thinks I'm crap. For the sake of my young DC I want to be brighter and have more energy at home too but everything is such a slog. I've never been so sleep deprived in my life which I think is a big part of the problem.

Now a staff member on long-term sick leave is sending me weird passive aggressive emails. They're not quite bad enough or clear enough to complain about them but I feel this individual is implying that she will make my life very hard if I don't give her a good personnel report. I plan to give her a satisfactory report based on clear evidence. I' was always helpful and fair with this person and allowed flexible working to accommodate health and family issues where this was possible. There was a point where it became impossible for our unit to function given her absences (i.e being in the office 1 day in every three weeks...) and this is where I put my foot down and she went on sick leave proper.

I have flagged the issue to HR and previously I would have been able to put this out of my head. But now it is really upsetting me. I have been sitting at my computer close to tears for most of the day and unable to do any of the work I need to get through before Monday.

Because of the specialist nature of my job within the organisation, I had no line-manager or senior oversight for a long time after my previous manager moved on. This has left me without any personnel report for last year. I'm trying to sort it out now with a brand new senior manager but feel lost and overwhelmed. He's very nice but clearly baffled by why I've let this lapse for so long, especially given that I've missed an opportunity for a bonus. I had lots of positive feedback from other senior colleagues and contacts but somehow wasn't able pull myself together enough to persuade someone else to write it during the gap.

What is wrong with me and how can I fix it before I end up being sacked?

I totally sympathise with you. Im in a similar situation. I feel uneffective in the office and at home. I hardly see the kids during the week as i work full time and then again after they go to bed im on the laptop, and feel left behind by the newbies comng in working all hours, whilst im tied to nursery hours and cant do all the evening socials due to kids and lack of sleep!

Upon reflection and reading your email, it sounds like you wont be sacked, it sounds like everyone relies on you to do everything. I bet you would be surprised how well everyone thinks you are coping. Im a bit like that in wanting to do everything right and for everyone, but in the end you could just come across as looking like a push over. I feel like that at the moment, that what i see as taking the leadand rolling my sleeves up, actually means taking on every bit of crap to get things done. I recently met with a colleague in another office doing a similar job. Everything is delegated, i came back with a totally different perspective. I have delegated more and really toughened up. Cue feeling better and making others step up. Could you meet with a mentor or someone in a similar role to take a step back from the situation and look for different ways of working. My colleague said his role was to lead the team and kick ass when it didnt happen. Im usually the opposite, but could see how much easier his workload was.

With regards to the performance review. Im in this situation, not threats but texts saying how glad she is that im her manager and how hard she is finding life and is lucky to have people to rely on, emotional blackmail. Ive recently had to make the fact she is not performing more formal and now the thinly veiled snides on fb have started comng through. You have just got to be fair and true to what you think aout her performance. Otherwise she will do this everytime and you may lose credibility with others in the team.

There is a book by stephen covey called the 7 habits of highly effective people. Ive not read it but plan to. One of the steps says that effective people always think that they are a fraud, that someone is going to find out you are not in control etc. turns out that is the mentality of someone who is always trying to improve and get better results. So give yourself a bit of a break.

Unfortunately this is the way of the world as i see it at the moment. Companies will let you work to the grave cos everyone is so busy and want to make you grateful for the job, so we do it all. People will let you take it on on if you let this happen. Dont wait for someone to come along and say, poor old you, look at you doing everything, they wont in my experience. Try to take a bit of time to prioritise your work and leave the nice to have but not useful, delegate some of it, try to think of it as giving others responsibility or something they can reference in an interview as experience gained. I know it is hard not to see it as a failure, and that you should have done it. On your way up to the position you are in, i bet you took others work to show ambition.

Sorry if some of this comes across as harsh, and it is a bit do as i say, not as i do. You sound like an intelligent, strong and successful woman, who is also human and tired from kids, which is totally normal and understandable. Best of luck, sorry for the long response, esp if it is crap advice!

Does your employer have an employee assistance programme or similar? I've had it with two employers (big multinationals, which may well make a difference) - it's an advice line, with access to all sorts of different advice, and the only information you have to provide is your employer (they get stats, e.g. 10 employees are having personal counselling, 3 have had financial advice, 4 have had legal advice - but no identifiable information.) If you've got that, it's a service free to you, so use it.

Is there anyone else you can talk to? I have been having a challenging year (it got to the point where I walked out of the office one afternoon, because the way things were going, it was making me feel like sticking sharp things in my wrist), and after one meeting I was in, someone commented that I didn't look as if I was on my best form, and did I want to talk about it (shes from an entirely different department.) I said no (I am my own worst enemy) - but later mailed her, and we then had a separate 1-2-1, and she just helped me see some of the wood for the trees, which things can I do something about, which things are without my control. It's just been so good to have someone on my side, who will listen, and has given me some hints, but mostly just shows me she believes I can make things better myself. And I shouldn't have waited - she's someone I could have gone to anyway, but I am very good at putting my own needs last, and she's always so busy, and... So don't do the same as I do!

Have HR been able to give you any advice about how to handle things, as you've been to them about it?

Sleep deprivation does make everything a million times harder and more difficult to cope with - it's no coincidence it's used as a form of torture. Is there anything you can do to catch up a bit? I'm not sure how old your DC(s) is(are) - could exH take them for a weekend, or grandparents, so you can really relax and sleep in and not do housework or catch up on anything else, but focus on sleep?

Bumblebee's point about delegating more and getting others to step up is good, too - it's good for them, as well, if it will stretch them a bit and gives them a chance to try things they might not always do and may be a little outside their comfort zone.

As for the staff member - keep all the mails. Each on their own may not mean much, but they can help build up an overall picture if things step up. I would stick to giving her a fair report based on evidence, as you're planning to do. Does your employer have guidelines on how to write and conduct reports? It may be worth reviewing them - my manager clearly hasn't read ours recently, as it states you shouldn't give mixed messages, and I had quite a few positive remarks that were followed with, "but..." which just diminishes them, makes it feel like they don't count for anything. So avoid doing things like that, and separate positive and negative comments. Even if your employer doesn't have guidelines, there's loads of stuff online about how to give feedback. There's no harm in reviewing things like that when you know you're struggling to think clearly through exhaustion.

If she's on sick leave, is it also worth sending a one-off reply to say that you appreciate her keeping in touch even if it's a lie, but you want her to concentrate on herself and her health, and she needn't mail you unless it's to send in a fit note or discuss coming back to work? It would need wording carefully, and it may not be the way to go at all. Perhaps it's another thing HR could advise on?

I have done a Franklin Covey 7 Habits course - does your company offer it at all? A lot of it seemed like common sense to me, but I'm actually quite good at some things like time management, and one of my weaknesses is that I struggle to understand why other people can be so bad at it. My main issue with it was that it's all very well going after your goals and sharpening the saw and so on - but I don't have much in the way of goals and direction, except very short term ones, and I didn't feel there was much to help me identify what my direction should be before I can set about achieving it. But it's still useful if you can do it. I particularly liked the quadrant for prioritising tasks, and there's also some useful stuff about communicating with others and considering their point of view which might be helpful in this situation. Probably any library would have the book(s - they've branched out in a number of areas).

Good luck with everything, and especially getting more sleep, as that makes so much different to everything.

Thank you Bumble and Bearhug. It's reassuring to know that I'm not alone in experiencing any of this. Glad that I'm not Facebook friends with my difficult sick-absence colleague.

My post all felt a bit stupid when I saw it written down but I'm genuinely struggling now, stupid or not.

We do have an internal employees support line but it hadn't occurred to me to phone them until I saw it written in your message. I've referred other people but didn't think of it for myself. I may have a look on our intranet now and see what they offer. I don't know much about how to find a mentor either although there's definitely internal mentoring schemes I've recommended to young and ambitious colleagues.

I felt like I couldn't carry on this afternoon. If I'd had to carry out a face to face performance discussion with the sick-leave employee I would have had to postpone or at least get another manager to sit in with me. I don't feel like harming myself but I do fear that I will suddenly collapse. I nearly fainted in a big staff meeting a few weeks ago but put it down to the heat. I'm probably more overtired and overworked.

HR previously offered practical advice on performance assessment, monitoring absence and so on. I've dealt with ostensibly harder personnel issues in the past so I think unless I tell them otherwise, they will assume that I'm fine. I've asked for a meeting next week to get some guidance and agreement on next steps with sick-leave employee. I'm keeping all her messages. Perhaps if someone else looks at all of them together, they would see why I feel blackmailed and harassed although the individual emails only contain tiny digs. I've been copying HR in on today's email exchanges which has toned things down a bit.

For nearly a year I've generally had no one to delegate to and have got used to trying to do too much by myself. I'm obviously part of a bigger team overall but my section is quite specialised. Now we've recruited some others for my area which is great. One of the new people I manage is extremely capable and I've begun to pass on work to her. She could probably do more and we'll be looking at her workload again next week. She's also one of the people I suspect thinks I'm a bit crap but as long as she stays civil and delivers the goods, I can live with it.

Sleep issue is a big mix of things. My child is pre-school but old enough to climb out of bed and in with me several times during the night. (Our home is very small and I'm renting out a room so no separate bedroom possible yet.) Once I've been woken I can't get back to sleep. I also work full time and have a long commute. Once DC is asleep, there seems to be so much to do at home and then I get to bed too late again. It's all so stupid but I'm too tired to sort it out. Ironically DC slept really well as a small baby and I didn't have any sleepless nights but I'm definitely getting them now.

ExH isn't reliably sober enough to have more than a couple of hours contact with DC at any one time, usually with me or another family member. (No one lives near so is always a bit complicated.)

I've been reading and re-reading all the staff management guidance. There's some best practice it has been impossible to keep to (such as face to face discussion of all performance and sickness issues) because this person was so frequently absent from the office at very short notice. I think I've handled most things correctly and have stuck to the facts when in doubt.

I haven't heard of the Franklin Covey 7 Habits course so doubt that we offer it but have heard of the Stephen Covey book "7 habits of highly effective people". Will see if I can get hold of a copy.

And here i am yet again up at 1am on the computer...

Not just you.

I feel for you OP. I've only been back at work for 4 months after taking two years out. My DC were 7 and 9 at the time. I worked right through the toddler years and ended up in a very senior job, working stupid hours, commuting, etc etc. My health suffered terribly - I started having anxiety attacks, ended up in A&E with chest pains then had a heart monitor for 3 days, dreadful insomnia, the list goes on. All the while I felt like an absolute failure. Couldn't see how well I was doing at all. Final straw came when I acquired a temporary manager who changed all the goal posts and was actually a bit of a bully. Something had to give and I resigned.

I have a broadly supportive DH so we scraped by financially for 2 years, but it was hard and it'll take us at least two years to recover. With hindsight, I can see a few things that might help you

• you absolutely must get enough more sleep. However you do this, something needs to give a little to allow this to happen

• you need to find someone you can talk to and who will enable you to regain perspective and know what is really an issue (if there are any) and what is just your anxieties. Bumblebee is right that effective people often feel like frauds. This might be via an Employee Assistance scheme, a mentor, trusted colleague, friend who understands your working world or a counsellor

• set yourself some realistic work and home goals for the next 3 months to get yourself into a better place

• don't be afraid to take a little time off sick if you need it now - it's better than a lot later. This might only be two or three days, and you don't need to cite stress as a reason when you self-certify. A few days without travelling and time at home to sleep and get things on an even keel can be worth so much when it comes to seeing things in perspective. If DC can keep the childcare they have when you're working, even better.

• highlight explicitly the issue with the absent employee and say you need more help / advice with it. Everyone needs this sometimes and it does not mean you are admitting defeat / no good at your job. And when you do this, do ii or back it up by emails and keep copies. I'm sure everything will be fine, but evidence that you've sought support and highlighted issues could be useful in a number of scenarios as the situation develops.

Hope you manage to have a good weekend - and take care

Great advice on here.

One thing I find helpful mentally (although it doesn't help practically) is to acknowledge that the fact that you have been given all this work to do, does not mean that it is necessarily possible. It suits various people in various ways to see various tasks as part of your workload (including people junior to you, who should not have the power to determine what your workload is, but when you are rabbit in the headlights you can be very easily manipulated - not saying you are being) but this doesn't mean that a reasonable person has sat down and compiled it all as a whole as a reasonable job spec.

If you can push back on bits of it (the advice you have here on delegation is good) then do.
In the short term it can be harder than doing it yourself, but bite the bullet whenever you can, piece by piece, to set up structures to offload pieces of work.

Also push bits of work sideways or up if appropriate. For instance - do you have an HR dept and might it be appropriate to bring them in on the problematic sick leave issue and put yourself out of the loop? Not sure how things like this work in your organisation, ours is very informal.

The other key thing, as everyone has mentioned, is sleep. I am sorry if saying this adds to your stress but if you do not have a way to keep your dc in his or her own bed, you do not have suitable accommodation (for you, at the moment). This is something you need, not a nice to have. I know because I have been there (temporarily) we had a house I effectively couldn't sleep in (for various reasons) and it wasn't like having a home. Please look at this as a priority.

best of luck. You have done so much and come so far. You are doing brilliantly. Just tweak a few things, you are a star.

Lots of further insights in Berkshire and Zut's posts, thank you both. "When you are rabbit in the headlights you can be very easily manipulated". Yes, I feel like people are definitely trying to manipulate me and sometimes succeeding. The sick-leave employee is a good case in point.

I emailed the Employee Assistance service earlier today and they have sent me a freephone number to call. I was hoping I could start this off by email really. I'm not sure how to talk to a real live person. Will bite the bullet when I get a few quiet minutes alone.

The sleep issue makes me want to cry. I know there must be a solution but I'm probably too tired to think straight. It's hard to see what I could do about my home itself in the next 6-12 months. My mortgage is affordable but with nursery fees and commuting costs, I don't see how I could move anywhere larger. My lodger is also an experienced childminder / babysitter and does most of the nursery pick-ups for me. It would make my life much harder in every way if she wasn't living in the spare room while she studies. Occasionally my DC sleeps in her room if I'm travelling with work for a day or two. Perhaps I could ask if we could do this sometimes while I'm here. She is lovely but will never take any extra money when she looks after DC overnight and I don't want to impose too much.

I remember a couple of months ago, someone older than me telling me to take some time off and really emphasising that I should do it on days when DC was in nursery. I thought she was speaking from personal experience but maybe she actually noticed that I'm struggling. She's pretty tough and not someone I would feel comfortable confiding in too much on a personal level but may have some practical advice and guidance on getting my perspective straight at work.

There's also an older man who has been so kind and helpful beyond the call of duty on occasion that it was almost reduced me to tears. (He's gay and attached so no ulterior motive, just a good man.) I could talk to him once I feel a bit more in control. He's more senior than me and perhaps I could ask for some mentoring support when I'm a bit clearer in my own head.

All this talk of crying and some close to actual crying. Normally I rarely cry.

Crying lets some of the stress out. If you need to do it, then just let go for a bit.

You poor thing. You have so much on. So much good advice. One question for you- what would you say to someone else who asked you advice about these issues?
Sounds like you are used to being strong and capable. It's ok to ask for help. Sounds like your lodger would be happy to help overnight. Ask her.
You have identified potential mentors- how would you feel about being asked for advice? Good I expect. So will they. You do not need to be sorted to ask.
I cannot recommend covey enough- his work has helped me and many of my clients. Try looking for downloads to listen to on your commute.
And take some time out when your daughter is at nursery. You have to look after yourself - for her and for yourself.
Another idea- mindfulness. Have a look at the headspace apps. Really good. You will get through this and become a better manager and mother. Good luck

You're exhausted, that's what's happened! You gave too much, got a little too focused on the detail and lost sight of the bigger picture...it happens to the best so don't beat yourself up about it (just start taking steps to deal with it).

You've had a lot of excellent advice, so I'll just add the other piece of advice I've given in the past to staff members who have faced similar issues:

Book a day at a spar and arrange a day's holiday - time out just for you when your dc is in nursery/childcare/with granny. It is amazing how much a good sauna, massage and facial can help.

Best of luck.

Well done for getting the ball rolling on the employee assistance line. I hope the advice on here makes you feel a bit stronger to realise you are doing a great job. You just got tired and a bit lost. It s hard when you dont have someone to say, thats enough, you are doing enough, especially as you didnt have a year end appraisal. Hopefully the advice line will help you see that you are doing well and make you feel strong enough to put yourself first sometimes.

I know it might not sit right with you to put yourself first, but sometimes you have to, in order to be well enough to be there for others!

Im also going to put some of the advice on his thread into action, thanks for putting this post on. I'd be interested in knowing how you get on.

OP, youve done so well, and are probably in the come down phase of the huge emotional turmoil of the end of your relationship.

And workplaces, generally, with the best will in the world, are not terribly good at allowing employees to ease up whilst recuperating. Unless you tell them you need the time and support.

Make full use of everything that's been suggested - EAP, HR, delegation.

Take a few days off sick whilst DC are elsewhere and sleep

You are eloquent and responsible and perceptive, and these traits have served you well and will continue to do so.

This thread has touched a few raw nerves with my own situation, and I work in OH. FGS! Good luck, OP.