Relationship with DP falling apart and he is lining up a substitute

[Flowersinthedirt]

Hi all,

I posted a few weeks ago about the disintegrating relationship with my DP of 7 years. My mum died a few months ago and that has put immense pressure on our relationship. He has been surfing dating sites, and the other day made a full profile with picture and location details etc. I confronted him about this and although he minimised at first ("I just wanted to see what it would feel like") he was eventually extremely contrite and we both cried.

Last night we went to Relate for the first time. I thought it was good - we both talked openly about our problems. We're both on the same page as to what they are. I felt like he made a commitment to explore whether we could stay together or not.

However today he has been messaging an old flame and asking her to meet up. He has given her the sob story about our relationship woes and how my depression "holds him back", and she is keen to meet him. He has previous for meeting up with her behind my back - he got her over our house while I was abroad. (I only found out by accident.) I feel like he is lining her up for his next relationship.

It is incredibly hurtful that he has done this the morning after our first Relate session. I feel at my lowest ebb.

Key for me is do I confront him and have him realise I have been snooping (basically checking his email), or do I sit on this and keep an eye on things? Of course once he knows I have snooped that door will close to me and I will have no idea what he is up to. There is no cover story is there?

I realise this sounds like a really shit state of affairs and I may get some LTBs, but in truth we have a very good relationship - we are best friends really. But something has gone so, so wrong recently. He is clearly heading for the door while telling me he wants to see if things can be worked out. It feels cruel

It's over. Accept it. Hard I know, all that investment. But you deserve better. He is preparing his next nest before flying.

Do you confront him or do you sit on things and see how they pan out!??
Neither of these.
Pack him a bag right now and put it outside for his return and tell him not to come back.
He'll figure out why he's been kicked out.
No need to confont him or anything like that.
Just end it right now - for your own sanity and self respect.
He will NEVER change and you need to accept that and move on.

Why do you want toi be with somebody who has lied SO MUCH?

He is has already left the relationship hasn't he?

I think you'll feel better in the longer term if you retain as much dignity as possible and end things now - don't let the end drag on and on and on - it'll do nothing for your self-esteem :(

What if anything do you get from this relationship now?.

Him crying was also manipulative behaviour on his part, why did he cry exactly?. He minimised all this to begin with so he is nothing but a liar and a cheat.

He fed the Relate person a lot of bs as well undoubtedly. He has no intention whatsoever of wanting to have any sort of relationship with you and is actively lining up a replacement.

He has acted both cruel and hurtfully throughout towards you and you still write that you have a good relationship?. True friends do not do this to each other. He wants to paint himself as the good person whilst you are still perceived to be the bad one, he is using your problems to end this. Its very cowardly on his part.

Time to call a halt to this as of now, this is really over bar the shouting.

CRUSE are very good at talking to people with issues of bereavement and they have a website which is www.cruse.org.uk. I would suggest you talk to them re your late mother.

Whilst the advice you have been given is sound and sensible, I don't think for one minute you are going to take it.
Can you honestly think you can sit on this info without exploding at him for the next week?
If you can bring it up at the Relate meeting do!
I would think however, better to retain your dignity and end it now

He's now proved to you that he has no intention of changing, Relate or not, that will be a half hearted attempt probably because he knows you want to save the relationship.

Once the trust is broken that is it, save yourself anymore humiliation and get out and find someone who can love you without going behind your back.

It depends on your circumstances, who owns what; whats the repercussions of a split practically? Personally I wouldnt tell about your access to his information as he has already proved he's sly and will do stuff behind your back. If you want him to stay with you, that will have to be his decision, you cant make him but you can improve your position by keeping one step ahead. Its shit when the OH is planning their way out but from experience I can tell you this is the risk you have to take in having relationships and bagging a dodgy one. Unless you own the home, LTB and show him the door are luxuries that arent available to all, ergo think about yourself and start planning your own form of back up. He will assume he has the upper hand if you dissolve in a begging heap of neediness, you will be much more formidable to him if you have your own plan and although sad about the demise, you wont be carpetted. I do think its the lowest of the low to agree to go to relationship counselling whilst simultaneously posting the imminent vacancy elsewhere - obviously cant face going it alone in any form! Good luck

we are best friends really - sorry but this is total rubbish, he has lied to you many times, discussed personal things behind your back, is planning to meet other people whilst pretending to try and rebuild the relationship by stringing you along at Relate. Plus he is doing this just a short time after a bereavement. That is not what friends do.

You need to find your self-respect and end it.

Sorry but you deserve better.

Best friends? How can that statement possibly be true. I would never want to be friends with anyone who treated me in this way. Please OP chuck him out, nobody deserves this. If you really want it to work out you'll need strength and need to let him see that you won't be walked over like this.

Thanks everyone. It isn't what I want to hear, but it is what I NEED to hear. I feel like such a dickhead. I feel so disappointed that he keeps behaving in this way. If we are heading for a split why can't we do it like adults and keep a modicum of dignity?

He is terrified of being on his own - he says this. But it is really quite awful to think he is busy trying to line up replacements before this relationship has even ended. If I confront him I know he will deny this - he will say she is just a friend and he needs someone to talk to. But this particular "friend" has history with him. The fact he approached her straight after Relate and urged her to meet with him this weekend is a massive red flag.

If we must end, then I just want it to be amicable. I don't want him to have cheated, and I don't want all this drama. I have too much drama already with my emotions and mental state all over the place. But perhaps he needs a damn good shouting at when he gets home.

I don't think he sees it as replacements - that would imply he was going to end your relationship and then start another. What he's after is concurrent relationships, where you don't realise he's having another.

My advice is to keep your self esteem and confidence and get rid. Don't wait for him to actually have an affair (and btw this seems inevitable) as it will hurt you so much. Get out before that happens.

You could have a lovely life where you don't need to go for help with your relationship, where you're not cheated on and lied to. It would be so relaxing. Yes, it would be hard at first but the relief of tension would be fantastic.

Sorry, Flowers. As far as he's concerned the relationship has ended. It just hasn't been tidied up into a neat pile and tied up with tape. Just finish it cleanly now - you deserve a lot more.

Sorry but you know yourself that is not the actions of a man desperate to sort out his relationship not to mention the level disrespect he is showing to you. Would you allow anyone else to treat you so badly, no, so start looking after you now and stop worrying bout what he wants, thinks etc..... if you start from tomorrow building a life for yourself, you will feel so much better and he may even realise what he's about to lose and actually make an effort in saving it.

Honey I will take a contrary view and when you say he's your best friend believe you. Maybe he's just confused, sad, unhappy and that's what's led him to do this. I am not saying its good but if he was really doing this he would be having an affair. Tell him about what you found on his email. And give the counselling a chance. It often gets worse as the issues that have been supressed get aired and then gets better. You need to address your grief too. That must be tough for him to manage too. Hang in there and fight for your marriage a while longer.

Flowers - most men (and women) line up a replacement before the previous one has ended. They then blame everything on you, behave appalingly cruelly in the hope that you chuck them out and they can then go on to the next with a clear conscience - even telling family and friends the 'you chucked them out so I was free'

Sorry to advise you this, but I'd get rid now. I bet he does the squirming, I still love you routine - because the next one is not quite ready

If this is how best friends treat each other, what about your enemies ...

You don't want him to cheat...but I think he already has, with this old flame he had over to your house when you were away

He isn't even waiting until the ink is dry...he wants to shag other women and keep you on a string as well

Is that the kind of treatment you feel you deserve ?

I totally disagree that he is acting like your best friend.
If he needs somebody to talk to it should be you and only you. Your relationship is nobody elses business. If he was your best friend he would be looking out for your happiness even if your relationship wasn't going to work. You would be talking and crying together this weekend and not him meeting an old girl friend.
OP, I am so sorry you are going through this as you have enough grief in your life that I can empathise with. You are the most important person in your life and worth far better than this. I know it won't be easy but I agree you will keep far more dignity if you show him the door now.

You don't need to prove anything. Just tell him that you don't like him anymore and you don't want to be with him.

Why bring up all the cheating when you know he's just going to deny it? Why bring up Relate and the crocodile tears when you know he's just putting on a show.

What do you want? A man who will respect you, admire you, spend time with you, support you? A man who is strong, reliable, trustworthy? This is not the man for you.

Even if he is 'setting up' another relationship to move into, are you going to wait for him to do that?

Get rid. Tell him it's over. Tell him he doesn't have enough to offer to keep you interested.

Go to counselling on your own.

It sound like it's done.

Draw a line and move on.

Thank you everyone. Your strident views gave me some backbone this evening. When he came home I told him I thought we were probably finished. He got scared and a bit tearful. I asked him what he might have done today to make me say that. He then came clean and volunteered that he had been talking to this other woman. Again he tried to minimise and say he just felt like he needed someone to talk to about his problems. I made it extremely clear that this was all bullshit. He ended up crying (again) and saying he didn't know why he was doing all of this, and why he was hurting me. Again he seemed very contrite. He admitted to me that he thought he would try and meet her this weekend, and then lie to me and say he was off to see someone else.

I said that we have 2 options - keep discussing our problems, with the support of Relate, and either decide to continue or decide to break up. But there could be no cheating, and no self-destructing with this sort of crappy behaviour. We would split like adults. He seems to be on board with this at the moment, and was very upset with himself earlier. Of course he was very upset 2 days ago when I confronted him about this dating profile so I'm not holding out much hope.

However one thing this has done is helped me harden my heart. I was, and remain, quite furious with him. He has been a shit to me, and if/when we break up, I feel I can hold my head up. Professorgrommit - you are the lone voice of support for him, and I am probably erring towards your way of thinking. I still have a lot of love and compassion for him and when I see him in turmoil I do feel it is genuine.

But as you all say I think we are probably heading for the finish line. I hope we can get there amicably and without a massive drama-fest. I will be sure to update you should some new mental episode occur xxx

Wow, well done! You've done really well tackling him. Time will tell how this will pan out, but good for you for not being a walkover. You should be proud of yourself.

You are making progress and well done on this next step. I agree with most advice given above, that he is either lining someone up or wanting to cheat. Don't feel sorry for him. He is an adult isn't he capable of controlling his actions? Can you ever see yourself behaving the same way? No? If not, why live with someone who treats you deliberately like this?

I'm sorry to hear that your mum died recently. It must be awful trying to cope with both these things. In your OP you seemed to imply that this was the trigger for your relationship becoming rocky. Was he different before?