How to make my past stop coming back and biting me

[Lostsoulsandfishbowls]

Hi. I've name-changed cos this is really personal and frankly I'm embarrassed. It's a bit of a long story, and I'm sorry.

Umm. Guess it's relationship advice I need really, but it's me that's the problem. I love my DP like mad and I know he loves me too. We click extraordinarily well and we're extremely close. We've been together just over a year and we are ttc. So far, so good. But I just can't stop my past coming back to haunt me and I'm scared it's going to ruin us.

I had a difficult relationship with my parents and some quite troubled teenage years. I didn't really learn how to be myself until I left school, went travelling, went to uni, etc, so I was a bit of a late developer I suppose, though it pains me to say it. Anyway, at that time I really came out of my shell and learned how to have fun (and how to hide it from my parents ). By the time I went travelling alone for the second time and then went to uni, I was pretty confident in myself, had loads of friends, had a great life, and was really popular with boys/men (I'm reasonably attractive and tend to get on far better with men than women). I had a lot of fun at first, but then I had this awkward spell where several of my male friends fell for me at once. Cringeworthy to write. Probably my own fault too. But I found it awkward and just wanted to go back to how we had been. But somehow, instead of doing that, I ended up seeing this one guy. He was fun to start with, and it was my first proper relationship so I guess it was new and exciting - and put an end to these other guys trying it on with me. Anyway, I was never really sure it was what I wanted and I didn't want the level of seriousness that he wanted. He tended to push my friends away - they didn't like him, and the more time I spent with him, the more of them drifted away. His friends - many of whom were also mine through another friend - started to tell me that he wasn't good enough for me and that I should find 'a proper man'. I just kinda laughed it off, but I ended up wishing I'd listened - surely if someone's friends tell you he's bad news, alarm bells should be ringing? Feel like an idiot now. Anyway, I'd got very close to a friend of his, and we ended up seeing each other too. This friend wanted me to leave the original guy for him, but for some reason I never did, and the relationship fizzled out. I ended up living with the original guy, and my friends drifted further and further away. He was lazy and difficult at home - he was studying medicine and believed that it made him better and more important than anyone else. His excuse for anything from not getting a job (at one point, we literally couldn't afford to eat and my parents had to send us money) to not helping around the flat was "I'm a MEDICAL student", and any attempts to persuade him otherwise caused a massive argument. He'd yell and scream at me until I cried, and on several occasions he shoved me or backed me into a corner, and I wasn't strong enough to fight back.

But I think what causes me the most problems is how he was sexually. This is embarrassing and I can't believe I'm telling it to strangers, but I'm feeling so down today and I need to do something. The first time I ever gave him a BJ, he basically leaned over me on the bed and dangled it in my face, pushing it closer and closer until I took the hint and got on with it. From that point on, that was his idea of foreplay. I didn't mind too much at first, but then it got to the point where he'd yank my hair when I was doing it (I've got a really sensitive scalp and I hate my hair being pulled, which he knew and which I reminded him many times) or put his hands around my neck and yank me down further onto him until I was gagging and choking. I can't breathe very well through my nose either (useless, aren't I), so I really struggle if my mouth is full with anything for too long . Then, with 'normal' sex, he'd hurt me. He'd always want it even if I didn't, and he'd pester and pester until I felt like I had to give in. He was quite a big guy down there and he wouldn't listen to anything I said when it hurt. Sometimes it was a case of me not being 'warmed up' enough, and sometimes just how he was doing it - but he'd keep going until I cried, and he'd push me into letting him do it doggy-style, which really really hurt me - I'd just have to grit my teeth and bear it.

And now, though I'm fine with penetrative sex (not the most confident and definitely not the best because of that, but we have a decent sex life I think), I still can't bear to give a BJ. DP has never had one from me, and I've never done it since I escaped from that other guy. DP's ok with it...or at least I think he is. I ended up telling him what had happened quite early on in our relationship cos he asked me to go down on him and I just froze. It's just, in some ways I want to, and god knows I want to make DP happy, but even the mention of the word makes my blood run cold, and I can just feel something being forced deeper and deeper into my mouth again, hands closing around my neck and yanking me down until it hurts, and me desperately fighting the gag reflex. I just can't get that out of my mind. How do I get over it? I want to be the woman DP deserves, and I'm scared that I'm not.

And then there's the ttc thing. We've lost two babies already, one was an early mc, and the other was an abortion I was pushed into (not by him). I can't get over the abortion. It haunts me every fucking day. I know what's done is done, and I know that by the time it came to it, I didn't really have any choice, but I'm so desperate to be pg and it's not happening, and I can't help but think what if... That's one thing. We're trying. Hard. But also, since losing the babies, my cycle has changed a lot. It's more regular, which is good, but I'm a lot more hormonal. I feel ill for days after ovulation, and then from then till AF I'm all over the place: tearful, grumpy, irritable, angry, down... We end up falling out and we barely have sex during those two weeks. I know DP wants to, but generally I'm so tired and unhappy that I just don't feel like it. We used to be one of those couples that have sex every single night, just cos we felt like it and enjoyed it. I want to get that back. That's who we are....but for now my hormones seem to have taken over and they're making me this crabby, teary, nagging, angry woman that I'm not. Is there anything I can do about it? I know the Pill would probably help, but we're ttc! Again, I'm scared that I'm driving him away by not being the woman he fell in love with. Sometimes I know I'm being horrible. No, that's a lie: often, during those two weeks, I know I'm being a bitch and no fun and I can hear myself snapping and being a pain in the arse, but I just can't stop it. I feel like I'm not me any more and I don't know what to do.

My best idea was to stop temping and charting and using OPKs etc; just tell myself it's probably not going to happen, and get on with other things. The problem is, I can't. There may be an underlying medical problem (with me, not him) and so I have to chart and track my cycle for another couple of months and have Day 21 tests etc to see what's happening and if I need medical intervention. I don't really have a choice on that as if there is something wrong, I want to know and have it sorted before it's too late. So how do I fight the hormones and get back to being me? Please help me.

OMG that's long. I'm really sorry.

In sorry to hear about your first boyfriend, he sounds truly horrific and from what you have said it sounds like he was sexually abusive to you. Not stoping until you were in years and holding your head down without consent is assault to me. Have you ever received counselling for this? I'm not surprised that you hate bjs so much now and as for "being the woman your DP deserves" you are, bjs are a happy bonus not a requirement, and it sounds as though you DP is understanding and supportive of your reasons which is great! Just try and keep communicating and if you feel upto it having a chat with you GP may be worth it.

As for the TTC obviously I can't diagnose you (and I'm not trying to) but I wonder if its contributing to some depression? This might also be with discussing with a GP.

I hope thins start to look up again soon

Sorry for all the mistakes! Typing in iPhone!

Gosh I really feel for you lostsouls. Your ex was an abusive bastard and its not surprise you feel the way you do regarding BJs etc. I know it is hard to talk about such things but if you can I would really suggest some counselling to help you deal with everything he put you through.

In terms of TTC and your cycle - I would strongly recommend acupuncture. I have suffered with awful periods and anxiety and illness etc related to them and it has been invaluable in helping me to cope mentally and physically. Also I would start taking a good B vitamin and maybe too into agnus castus also as its great for helping regulate female hormones.

In terms of BJs - it is perfectly understandable that you freeze after what you went through. Your DP sounds great and I am so happy that he is understanding of your feelings. It is natural to want to please him, but try not to put yourself under pressure. If you did want to start down the road to oral sex with him I would make sure to spell out in advance that you need to take things REALLY SLOW and at your own pace. I wouldn't even think about taking him into your mouth at this stage - instead maybe think about working up to it by combining stimulation with your hands and licks etc (sorry if tmi!). You could see how comfortable you feel with that and maybe go from there.

Best of luck with TTC - you will get there

Obviously other more experienced people will come, but seems all your problems stem from trying to make someone else happy, you sound like you are a people pleaser.
Maybe learn to be a little more selfish and not everybody has to like you.
Think about what YOU want.

I just want to highlight that your DP clearly loves you with or without blow jobs. You are good enough, just as you are. You do not need to tie yourself up in knots about this, angst over whether you are pleasing him sufficiently. Focus more on listening to your own wants and needs, and pleasing yourself.

Counselling could definitely help you get over the trauma of your past sexual abuse, whenever you want to work through this issue with a professional. But you are just fine as you are. Your DP wants you, not some mythical perfect sex goddess.

I also really feel for you, you sound like you so badly want to make your partner happy, but you need to think about yourself as well.

I also never gave my husband a BJ in 13 years following experiences with an ex partner. I unfortunately felt so badly about myself not being able to do that, that in the end I let my husband get away with lots of other crap because I had blown out of all proportion the importance of this, I.e. I felt like I was massively failing him and I should put up with whatever came my way because at the end of the day he was the one putting up with me because whatever else was going on he wasn't getting BJs. I realize now how messed up my thinking was after my previous relationship. (Not that I mean I think your current partner is abusive, I just mean that's what happened with me.)

You might find it helpful to have some counselling if you haven't already, as it's easy to underestimate the way in which you can be affected by having been in an abusive relationship, I.e how much the past can affect current relationships.

Good luck ttc.

The abuse you were subjected to was not your fault.

The damage done by that dreadful excuse for a human being will not just go away. You do have to address it.

Counselling is a must. You can contact woman's aid for advice and suggestions as to where to access therapy. I'd suggest the freedom programme too as a first step. It's free too!

Your DP does seem to love you, and want the best for you, and I agree that you're approaching ttc as a people pleaser.

Please relax, calm yourself, be kind to yourself and it may help.

Get the FP done and perhaps having the outlet your body is crying out for may be the release you need to start to heal.

Keep posting here, have you seen the thread for those in Abusive Relationships? It's a super place to come ask questions and learn/share knowledge.

It's very simplistic to say that there are two problems here but perhaps looking at it like that might help.

You had a horrible time with your ex. That was not your fault, and I agree you were assaulted. It's not your past in the sense that anything you did is going to catch you out now. It's something that happened and is upsetting you and owning it and placing it in your life as something to be assessed through counselling is probably the way to go.

Is it entirely separate from ttc? Probably not. It's haunting you and making you unhappy. It will be better to feel happier and more free and relaxed, then you and your DP can think about embarking on investigating your hormonal issues and if they can be managed, and whether you're both physically able to conceive etc.

But. But but but what was up with the termination? Was that with your previous partner or your current one?

Hi.

Thanks for your advice and support. It's really helpful just to know that I'm not an idiot for the way I feel and that other people can understand it - that means a lot. I am seeing a counsellor over the TOP and the MC. She's a counsellor and a midwife and I find her very helpful.

Kalidanger : The TOP was, thank god, with my current partner. I don't think I could've coped with anything like that with the ex. It was a big, horrific mistake that haunts me to this day - hence the counselling.

I think ttc and my ex are very separate to be honest. I didn't particularly want kids when I was with him, and even when I did, only in a very abstract sort of way. The real yearning for a baby and definite need for a family started with DP, and it's what we both want. We're trying, and I'm finding it very hard. This will be the fourth month of trying after the TOP - the first month being the MC. I'm scared it'll never happen.

I think you're right about me being a people-pleaser. I hate to see anyone else hurt and I put others before myself. I find it very hard not to tbh.

You were pushed into a TOP in April (?) but not by your partner?

Who pushed you into the TOP? It's important.

Not by DP at all, no. He just wanted me to be happy and was happy to support me either way. It was my mam (and circumstances I suppose) that pushed us.

What the hell is your mum doing forcing you to terminate a pregnancy?

Can you please just distance yourself from her? Do what works for YOU?

Oh OP You have to slow down. Slow down everything and make sure you are happy and safe before you start the next steps in your life. There's so much going on here

Hissy: I've no idea. I suppose I was just so scared and so panicky about wtf to do that it was easy for her to terrify me into thinking it was my only option. I'd just started a new job so wouldn't have qualified for maternity pay, and SMP is way too low for us to afford the bills etc. Flat is rented from my parents so we wouldn't even qualify for benefits to help with that (they don't class it as rent if it's paid to family). And then we have no friends or family who would be able to help out - my parents weren't willing and made that very clear, and DP's are 50 miles away. The flat's also tiny - literally no space to put a baby or any of the associated things, and its upstairs and I'd never have managed to manhandle a pram up and down and there's nowhere downstairs I can safely leave it. Then there's the people upstairs who get high and make a din all night at the weekends, which isn't too much of a problem at the moment, but would be if I had a tiny baby and was getting no sleep anyway. Then my mam convinced me that we'd never cope and would end up splitting up - she painted this awful picture for me of me stuck alone in my flat with a baby day in, day out with no-one to help and fuck all money. I was terrified and couldn't see any other way out.

I have distanced myself from her now. I barely speak to or see my parents now. DP and I are very strong together despite, or perhaps because of, all this, and we are determined to have a baby now. We are looking for a house and hope to buy shortly - our financial position has changed a lot over the last few months.

Can I ask you how old you are?

I would like to know as I wonder if there is time for you to relax, recover, take stock and just 'be'

Personally, I think if possible, you ought to postpone ttc, just for a while, while you put yourself back together a bit.

You are very brave.

Oh, and you are WELL shot of your mother! Well done, what a mean and spitful thing she is.

I'm 24. I'm scared to not ttc because we are both so desperate for a baby and it appears that I might have some problems getting pg again... I know that you're probably right and I'd probably advise anyone else in my situation to do the same, but I don't think I've got the strength in me to put off trying - every month that AF comes is painful and a horrible reminder of what has been. I think I'll be able to put the rest behind me a lot easier when I have a baby to think of (though please don't think that's why I want one).

Also, contraception is an issue. I don't get on with the Pill at all; I've tried a couple of brands and one makes me excessively hormonal and the other makes me depressed. I'm not great at remembering to take it every day either, especially as I work shifts and my days are often long and muddled! I've also had the coil, which was a hideous experience from start to finish and I've never go near that again, and the GPs say that the implant/injection/patch all work in pretty much the same way as the coil, so I'm put off those too! And I don't want anything long-lasting when we want kids. We said we'd try for this one and then for future children just let it happen when it decides to.

Calm yourself down. You have plenty of time.

If there's an issue, the docs can look into it. The stress you're placing yourself under won't help.

Just stop, for 6months. Take a breath.

Can you use condoms?

Also, it sounds like the least of your issues but the one about not being able to get in and out of a flat is solvable ( at your mother!) We live up lots of steps and manage fine with light foldable pram, sling, online shopping, thinking ahead, keeping things in the car etc.

But that is exactly the sort of practical issue that seems impossible when you are feeling .

We talked yesterday and agreed to 'try' till October (the original due date, and when I really wanted to pg again by), carrying on with temps and obs etc so the accupuncturist/GP/midwife can have the info they want. Then, after that, give up. I think for me I'll assume that it's never going to happen after that, but DP is more confident. Either way, we said we'd just try and forget about it and just go back to having sex for its own sake and see what happens, if anything.

And yes, Phiney, you couldn't be more right. Now I can see that it might have been hard, but definitely do-able, but then it seemed like a huge factor . And we're planning to move now too - if we'd known that it would have been possible, we probably could have managed to move before it was born.