What is wrong with me?!!??

[treacleturkey]

I have been seeing a lovely man for a couple of years. He is so kind, does everything with my youngest ds, buys me flowers, takes me and kids on lovely holidays.

But, sometime i wish he wasnt here in my house - he only visits once in the week and most of the weekend. I'm REALLY protective of my 'space' and needing a lot of time alone. Sometimes i really look forward to seeing him, and other times i just wish he would go away.

Last night he drove 2 hours just to see me, and i was cold with him til he got the hint and left. He's a lovely man, and some days i'm very attracted to him, and other days i'm not. In bed i can be cold and ignore him, and don't even talk to him.

I feel like a bloody psychotic woman, i never know each day how i'm going to feel about him. Even my ds begs me to be nice to him occasionally.

Ive been on ADs for six years and am very dependant on them. I'm starting counselling in september.

So now we are having a "break" to sort my head out, but i know i will miss him and be scared of losing him - yet when he is here, i push him away.

BTw, i havent been like this in every relationship i've had - i was married for five year before and never had any doubts about the man i was with then. We just eventually fell apart.

try to put yourself in his shoes..he must feel very unwanted. You will loose him if you continue like this, it sounds like you need to really make a big effort to be nice when your having a bad day. Instead of letting him drive two hours to see you, why didn't you say you weren't feeling well and rearrange. It sounds like a very long trip just to be ignored, feel uncomfortable and eventually leave, probably feeling confused and upset. I don't think its fair to treat him like this, and if your ds is picking up on it, I think that speaks volumes.

Maybe you just don't fancy him but stay with him out of habit or fear if being alone?
I tend to take it out a bit on dh if I'm hormonal and can't bear him around me could it be that?
I lived on my own for years (with dc) and do find myself very set in my ways and often hate sharing MY bathroom and bedroom with someone else!

Ledkr, yes I feel weird when he's in my house and sharing my space. ...was single parent in this house for 6 years.
TBH its not always about him, although sometimes i dont think i fancy him and other times i do.

I wonder if you really do see yourself with this man long term, that's maybe why you are acting this way, if you really thought he was Mr wonderful you wouldn't be acting cold and distant.

i know, but i have also done with this with the last 3 or 4 men ive been out with. It's like if they're too nice, I just don't want to know. I find myself chasing and thinking about the bastards Ive been with and wanting to be with them.

Have a bit if time alone then.
If you really love and fancy someone you can get over th being in your space at first cos you luuuurrrrve them

I was wondering what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

Is there any possibility of you beginning counselling earlier than September?.

Perhaps you want to get the rejection in first because these bad boys ultimately rejected you with your perhaps already low self esteem plummeting even further as a result. Bad boys though are just that - bad. Perhaps you liked the intense drama, high and lows which entails such relationships. Now you've actually met someone nice its somehow "boring" to you. On some level perhaps you do not feel that you actually deserve someone actually nice.

I would suggest you read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood and work out exactly why you previously wanted the attention of bad boys. Perhaps on another level you thought you could change them by loving them better. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship, neither approach works.

Attila, i think youve hit the nail on the head - i love the highs and lows, and drama, always have. My partner complains that i'm always after drama and have finished with him twice, just to get back together again. I need to sort this out, i'm 34 ffs!

Also, growing up, my father was terrifying towards my older siblings (not his) and i used to pray he would die. my mum did nothing.

I didnt even realise my mum and dad were a "couple" when i was a child, either! and i thought that falling in love only happened in films untili was about 12.....my dad died when i was this age too.

Can I suggest you read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by Natalie Lue, or visit the baggage reclaim website?

It sounds like you'd typically go for the unavailable man because you aren't actually available for a healthy and loving relationship yourself (for whatever reasons). You mistake available men for 'boring', but actually your thinking is skewed.

Your bloke sounds lovely but everyone has their limits and I agree with peppa, he will leave if he doesn't think he's wanted.

This is precisely why I asked you about what you learnt about relationships when growing up.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. You learnt a lot of damaging stuff and this has been carried over into your adult relationships. Life at home was likely also full of high dramas along with deep lows; this is never healthy in relationships and is very damaging. Your father was a tyrant as well as being emotionally unavailable and your mother by doing nothing also tossed in her own damaging lessons to this toxic mix. The previous men you have seen probably on some level reminded you of your Dad and how he behaved; you wanted his approval just as you wanted the bad boys approval.

If you truly want to sort these issues you now have out and I think you do, I would suggest counselling for your own self to unravel and unpick all the past. BACP are good and do not charge the earth. It will be a painful process but it could well be the making of you.

Also do read the website and publication that IntrepidinHeels has suggested.

Thanks Attila, I think I do really need it. I've always denied i need help just because my others siblings haven't needed it.