Do I give up on my DF?

[afrikat]

So much history but I will try and keep this succinct.

DF has been an alcoholic for past 20+ years and since being made redundant several years ago has deteriorated from what I would call a highly functional alcoholic (high powered job, lots of client entertaining etd) so a depressed non-functioning alcoholic (teeth are rotting, doesn't keep clean / eat properly). He lives in America so keeping up a relationship is very difficult - I see him every 1-2 years (usually in the US he has only been back here once in about 8 years). I also call him about once every few weeks but he often doesn't answer the phone.

Several times he has stopped answering the phone for months at a time - my DB and I have had to call the local police to go round and check he is still alive. He has just done this again - hadn't heard from him since April and we eventually tracked down a friend of his who has now filled us in on some stuff he has been hiding. Basically he didn't file paperwork in time to get his pension paid (he knew he had to do this for about 2 years) so had pretty much run out of money. He had borrowed money from his brother (who he

Oops posted too soon - will post again in a sec!

From what you have written re your Dad I would not maintain any contact with such a person at all. Alcoholics are by their very nature selfish and his primary relationship is with drink. You are basically of no real importance to him so maintaining any sort of relationship with him would be a wasted effort on your part.

He had borrowed money from his brother (who he hadn't spoken to in over 5 years) but now he has had his bank accounts frozen as he hasn't filed his taxes since 2008. He also knew he needed to so this but just...didn't.

There is a loooong history of me desperately trying to develop more of a relationship with him and trying to support him through all of this. I have seen a counsellor and been to al-anon to try and deal with how his behaviour has made me feel over the years and do some extent I have come to terms with the fact I will never be able to help him / change him and there will never be a day where he suddenly stops drinking and becomes my dad again.

Anyway, yesterday I finally hear from him. He doesn't apologise for not being in touch (he never does although I thought he would this time as I am 34 weeks pregnant with my first baby so stupidly thought he may want to know how I am doing). Instead he asks me to send him $500 or 'he won't be able to eat tomorrow'. When I told him we have zero spare cash due to the fact we have just bought a house and have a baby due next month I was told my 'attitude stinks'. I was actually amazed how nasty he was being (he is probably withdrawing as presumably can't afford booze) and basically accepts absolutely no responsibility for his situation - it's all because of his illness (depression) which he has refused to get help with previously.

After a pretty nasty phone call (I was very calm but quite cold with him which I think shocked him) I haven't really been able to stop crying. I have no idea how he is going to get out of this situation (my DB is sending him some money but says after this he is done with him) and I am terrified he will do something extreme. But I don't know what else to do. I feel I have come to the end of my ability to keep trying and at this point I don't know he would even pick up the phone to me anyway.

Not sure what I am looking for with this post but I think it has helped to write it all down. Obviously there is loads more to the history of his behaviour and my attempts to help but this is already v long! Thanks for reading if you have got this far and any advice welcome.

Although I have technically known that for a long time Attila I think last night's conversation finally made me realise how little he actually cares. Even after I told him that we were struggling for money ourselves with the new baby etc he continued to make me feel like crap for not being willing to post him 'only' $500. Apparently I don't understand how hard things are for him and there is no way he could have done anything to avoid getting in this situation. Which is utter rubbish - all he had to do was to fill out some paperwork and he would be absolutely fine. I know he is depressed and I know this makes it very difficult for him to get on with things but he honestly didn't seem to grasp how unreasonable he was being.

I am finding it so hard to get the whole conversation out my head - I just can't believe how horrible he was when all I have ever tried to do is be there for him and help him all I can. It's like he has just thrown it all back in my face at a time when my hormones are all over the place anyway and I am not sure how to start moving on from this

You move on by having nothing more to do with him. Enabling him and propping him up simply do not work. All that does is give you a false sense of control.

He does not give a toss about you or your own family circumstances.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped. He does not want your help and support. He is also not worthy of you frankly, alcoholics are some of the most selfish people. You need to fully come to terms with the fact that he is not the man and has never been the Dad you so want him to be. He will likely not have any epiphany and wake up to the fact that he has treated both you and your sibling so appallingly.

BTW if I was your brother I would not send his father any money, it will likely be spent on drink.

Concentrate your whole resources now on you and as yet your unborn child.

I doubt I will call him again Attila and since he can't afford a calling card I won't be hearing from him. Feel so sad it has come to this but you're right - he will never be the dad I have wanted him to be and think its time (at the grand old age of 32) I finally give up on that...

Nobody put a glass in his hand and told him to keep boozing. An illness, an addiction, he's had this for years. He made choices one of which was apparently dodge contact and then only to whine for money and castigate you. A grandparent could offer so much! but he hasn't functioned as a real dad does. It's a shame and a waste but let him go.

You can't help worrying so cut down on the head space - allow a tiiny part of your week for regretting his stubborn refusal to be part of your life. As your due date approaches you will very naturally focus on that life inside you. The regret or disappointment may linger but throw your energy into safeguarding pfb.

You need to give up on him. Simple. Not simple to do but that is the only way forward here. I speak from experience, he doesn't care about you or anyone.