Issue with friends WWYD

[soontobeteacher]

Firstly I just accidently posted this in employment issues and my internet won't let me get back on that page so if someone could request it to be moved/deleted that would be great!

Ok so bear with me this may take some explaining...

I had 3 good friends (let's call them M, J and T) until about 2 years ago when M of them cut me out of her life. Long story short there was a mix up, she thought I was behind an email she received from somebody (I wasn't) and since then totally cut me out. I tried talking to her, explained I wasn't behind it but heard nothing. I was upset and incredibly frustrated as I knew I wasn't involved so for our friendship to be over as a result was awful.

Anyway i have had no contact since, my other (best) friend J works with M her so heard bits and bobs, saw M from time to time and she will be polite infront of people. J is closer to me, but M and J continue to be good friends but have never discussed what happened, it seems it's the elephant in the room.

Now my other good friend T has come back after having been traveling for years and all 3 of them are meeting up constantly, it seems to be arranged by M. I, of course, am never invited. I am very hurt that I have been shut out. My relationship with T has changed as a result, she seems off with me since coming home, not replying with texts and have only seen her once. She seemed fine when we met, but has more or less ignored my attempts at meeting since. I'm very upset that J is still happy to do things, and whilst I totally appreciate it being awkward for her I can't help but feel really angry and upset when I hear they've all done something really fun again. The most frustrating thing is the email M thought I was behind had nothing to do with me.

I don't know what to do now, I don't even know why I'm posting really, just looking for some other view points

What kind of email was it? Does she think you actually sent it? Who did send it?

Basically M got J a job in her shop. J wanted to get back into education, her mum died when she was a teenager and she went through a bad patch, so she wanted to resume her education. However M put pressure on her to stay in the shop because she'd got her the job and didn't want it to reflect badly on her.

M knew I disagreed with this, then somebody we both know sent M a facebook message telling her she was a terrible friend to J and selfish for stopping her going back to college. She sent it just before coming to see me, and then updated her status to say she was with me half an hour later. M thought I was with her when the message was sent, adn that it came from me.

Actually, though, the other person told the truth, didn't she? It's ironic that J and M are friends still.

I'd be tempted to ditch the lot of them, to be honest. It looks as though M knows the message was correct, from the way she's responding.

Do you have other friends?

J and I are like sisters. Particularly since her mum passed away. Which is another reason I find it so painful. I do have other friends but not many, I've always been the kind of people who has a few close friends (or so I though).

I was thinking of asking T if there's a problem... But at the same time not sure there's any point. Yes I do think M was being selfish, but I didn't know this girl was sending the message.

If she'd done this to J, I would defend her and certainly wouldn't want to be spending time with them whilst excluding her. But she says it's nothing to do with her and I'm being unfair which I can understand. Just can't help the fact it makes me feel completely rubbish.

Hi, this sounds like a really horrible situation. M is using relational aggression to hurt you more.
Try to meet some other people, hard as it is, expanding your social circle will help it hurt less. Keep being a good friend to J, and be the bigger person, eventually everyone will see through M.
I can understand J keeping out it - but it's hurtful hearing about things you aren't invited to & also she is allowing the exclusion to go on.

M knows she wasn't acting in J's best interests and is scapegoating you. It's easier than admitting to herself she was a bad friend to J.

Do your other friends believe you that you had nothing to do with the message? i feel sorry for you. its really tough. A friend cut me out of her life and our mutual friends ( who were actually closer to me) are often meeting up with her as she organises these get togethers and leaves me out. i don't do the reverse but probably should. I have dealt with it by making new friends and it lessens the impact of the siutation on me. I think it is a shame that J can't say look this is unfair that you are being left out but many people find they'd rather bury their head in the sand for fear of being treated in the same way. I woud try and make new friendships rather than investing your time solely with these three but also arrange meets with J and T yourself. If T doesn't come then ask her what the matter is and just focus on J and try not to get hurt by her meeting m, you shouldn't have to loose your friendship with J over this.

I think that J and T are proving to be really disloyal friends to you and despite your closeness and history etc i would go out and find new friends. Not easy i know, but this is just going to keep on eating away at you and upsetting you. Really, life is too short for that. Find friends who dont exclude you and who appreciate you for the person that you are.

J believes me but T and I have never discussed the breakdown of mine and M's relationship. My biggest issue is what to do about J, as although I know I shouldn't have to lose my friendship with her, I feel as though she is being disloyal and I resent her. Not sure how fair that is really.

Soontobe it is totally understandabe that you resent j, as she is being really unfair to you. Your reaction is normal.

You can express how you feel to her and if she continues in this vein of behaviour then she is making a choice, and you should cut your ties.

Not saying you should cut J out of your life, but just be pleasant nice and civil to her, keeping the door open, but not trying to keep her as a close friend, instead finding a new friend or friends to enrich your life.

This trio are doing nothing for your well being or happiness.

Thanks Irish, I feel so sad at the prospect of losing T and J as close friends but I feel as though they have made that choice. It's a really horrible feeling, keep switching from being really angry to really upset.

Soontobe It is very tough, i feel for you . It appears they have made that choice, and it is a choice that doesnt say much about their characters.

Sometimes in life you just have to let things and people go. Maybe they will come back in to your life in years to come, perhaps when they realise the type of person M is.

In the meantime, you've got to leave them to it, there are better friends out there for you, dont waste any more time being on the fringes of M's power games.

I feel for you soon to be and I think Irish has written some wise words
Sending you support