I'm a lurker/poster under another name. I lurk more than I post because there are so many here who just have that amazing ability to 'see' things that OP's so often can't.
Anyway, here's my reason for posting but I don't know what I'm hoping for. Perhaps some words to help shift me along to where I know I need to be. I'm in my early 50's, working and earning well, have long term friends, DC's, and I think I'm a genuinely nice woman except for one thing.
I can't seem to fully move on from the end of my long marriage. I can't get to that place where I no longer think about him/her/us. I've gone through therapy which helped me through the first 18 months or so until the divorce and settlement. I know the affair/lies/manipulation/shitty behaviour were ALL his doing and not my fault. I've moved bloody mountains to achieve a life which defines me as who I am now and not who I was then (miserable, dependent, scared, you name it)
I don't love him. But I don't NOT love him either.
People talk a lot about the absolute requirement for genuine, really heartfelt remorse for affairs. It's the cornerstone of almost every response to affair's on the threads here, right? You know, the truth, the whole truth etc, access to all areas, willingness to go over and over it until healing has taken place. You see, I know it. I've seen it here so many times, and I agree.
2 years ago or so I sat across a table and looked at my then H who gave his word to me that he would rather go without himself than see me 'want' financially. He's a liar. He always was and always will be but that's not my problem any more.
But he has kept his word. It wasn't easy and I had to ensure he did it, but he did. He doesn't 'keep' me by any means, we have a legally binding order which is time limited. He, I believe, would like to think that as a result of his keeping his word somehow, some day there will be rapprochement between us. It won't happen. I can't see myself doing forgiveness, I can't see myself doing amicable, even.
Because as I said whilst I don't love him, I still (fill in the blanks) him. And I don't want to, I just don't.