Experiences of marriage post-affair please

[Fireplaces]

Hi, I wondered if anyone could share with me their experiences -good and bad - of trying to re-build their marriage after an affair? Is it possible? Aren't you always wondering whether he's at it again, with her, or someone else? I just found out that my DH has been having an affair and I cannot see past this at the moment. I don't know whether it's worth fighting for it, if I am always going to be checking his phone and finding out where he is, and just wondering if he's up to no good again.

Help, please!

Hello FP, it depends on a lot of things...
How long it had been going on for, how you found out..?

One important point is whether he has finished it and whether you saw or heard him finish it. Has he given you total transparency of his phones and email accounts. If it was someone he worked with is he prepared to change his job or department / location?

Has he answered all of your questions. Is he patient when he does this. Is he remorseful.

You do realise that this isn't your fault don't you. He may try and deny it, delete texts etc and then minimise what actually happened.

Sometimes it's not the sex that's the problem, its the lies and deceit that are hard to come to terms with. That and spending family money and time with OW.

Trust doesn't just come back, it has to be earnt. Sometimes the price is too high .......

Hope you're ok. Has he left or is he still there. It might be nice if he gave you some space to think.

Saw this on another thread chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/. He should be the one fighting for it iyswim.

Yes it can work. But identifying what the root causes were of the dalliance and putting them right is vital.

It can be done but its tough and depends a lot on your DH I think.

The key things for me were: 1) telling me everything and answering questions fully; 2) accepting complete responsibility and never once suggesting I was to blame; 3) accepting I have free reign over phone etc for as long as I feel necessary; 4) genuine and complete remorse.

We went to counselling which was very helpful and we've worked hard on putting our marriage in a better, less vulnerable place (he has complete responsibility for the affair but our marriage was not good at the time and that was down to both of us). We also made sure that we time limited discussions of the affair: we talked a huge amount but I made sure we stopped an hour before bedtime- I needed to switch it off or it would have been overwhelming. Also, the bedroom was an affair free space- we didn't (and still don't) talk about it there. That was really important to me too: preserving a piece of life where it didn't intrude.

We're 8 months post affair now and things are good. In many ways its better because we make a very conscious effort to communicate better and don't sweep things under the carpet. I still have wobbles (mainly when I'm very tired or hormonal and he's working late) but I rarely check phone/emails these days. He accepts that I am entitled to and that's enough.

So yes, in my experience marriages can be rebuilt but he needs to do some serious work for it to happen.

It depends on the affair. Mine was partiularly horrible, it was conducted in our house, he was completely infatuated with her and whilst he said he was 'depressed' and 'having a breakdown' he told me what a horrible wife I was and mentally compared me with her. I was physically and emotionally rejected. He also had to get caught for it to stop.

So he was monogamous to her and I was completely and utterly traumatised.

If it is a fling, he was clearly using her or the transaction is commercial then the levels of emotional involvement aren't so upsetting.

The healing required is what is outliined above. They have to get it and address the selfishness, secrecy and entitlement that gave them permission to have an affair and learn different ways of being. the lucky lucky lucky wives who are married to such rare creatures report that they don't regret the affair at all and have a better marriage.

But the remorse and reassurance HAVE to come from the husband. This is not work you do. The only work you do is look at how you enabled their former selfishness and disregard and maybe gave them too much power: in other words, the work is to grow a pair! If they do not do this the prognosis is bleak IMO.