Friend who was bullied - how to help

[Mrspotatohead100]

I've been mulling this one over

Friend A is upset about my friendship with B
We would often meet as a trio and were all individual friends too
I thought it was life changing meeting these girls and I thought it was a very inclusive balanced friendship, everyone was very considerate of eachother
I was shocked to hear A felt differently
She feels she introduced us but actually I know B from other places too & as she happened to know A we started all meeting together

It turns out A was badly bullied growing up and I have only recently found this out about her
It explains a lot about her (bossy & controlling) and her reaction to this

I want to reach out & help her but don't know how
I'm thinking - a self-help book? Signposting her to counselling?

I am trying to understand how proper bullying affects someone

Any thoughts at all anyone?

Hi there. Sorry but can you explain further. Was B the bully? I don't understand the connection between the 2 sections

Sorry to have been unclear.

A was bullied as a teenager many years ago.

Forwarding to the present day, she was very upset when B & I had got a bus together to a meet-up
When I explained why (that it was proximity) she said we should be more sensitive because of what happened in her teenage years/family dynamics (I hadn't previously known about it)

I've been really baffled & figure the only correct response is to be kind.
So I'm trying to work out how I could be a better friend to someone who has been bullied 20 years ago.
I'm at a point in life where family pressures/illness leave me with little spare time for friendship dramas; on the other hand I don't abandon friends in need so want to try to help this woman.
Life's complicated isn't it! I don't think there is an easy answer!

Proximity - as in living at the same end of town just to be ultra clear

Hi there. That's a tricky situation and I wonder if you need to have a chat with friend A and explain that by getting the bus with friend B (and any other occasion that this may arise) is not rejection of her within the group but practical. I fear I'm going out on a limb here but could friend A be using the revelation of past experiences to try and control you and your relationship with friend B if she thought perhaps you were getting too close without her and therefore control the dynamic of the group. Sorry if I'm way off the mark.

Hmm. Sounds like A wants you and B to examine everything you do through a lens of 'how it will look to A'...That isn't being 'sensitive', that's being controlled. Sure, you're aware she has some insecurities arising from teenage bullying, but she has a responsibility too - to recognise that the world doesn't in fact revolve around her, and if her friends catch a bus together it's nothing to do with her!! I wouldn't change your behaviour at this stage - just carry on being even-handed and friendly to all your friends!

Thanks for replies
This thread disappeared but has re-emerged again
I have had some time to think and think it's interesting that both replies have talked about control.
I think that is what hasn't felt right in all of this. I have had to take some time out in order to work out what to do.

On the flip side I realise that even though I know B anyway, A "feels" she introduced us. So, it's that very child-like (using the phrase in not s demeaning way) fear of being the odd girl out & if she had years of feeling that way growing up, it must be hard for her.
She is a decent and kind woman.

People are complicated aren't they. But yes, she needs to face up to any issues that she has been left with rather than expecting others to make allowances for her & yes, it is a way of controlling how close B and I become and I'm a bit wary of people who behave like this.