Is anyone else jealous of their DP?

[PaulSmenis]

This is probably going to make me sound a bit mad, but I can't shake the feeling of being jealous of DP. Not as in being jealous of him with other ladies, although obviously I am a little if he is getting a bit too flirtatious with somebody who isn't me.

It's more the fact that he's so outgoing, makes people laugh and everyone likes him. I am a naturally shy, reserved and serious person. I can't force myself to be like him.

When we go out and meet new people, everyone fawns over him as he cracks jokes. All the ladies giggle and say how great he is. Why can't I be great? Fuck, I'm so and completely unreasonable about this. I know I am, but how can I change this? What can I do about it?

We are going to a big wedding tomorrow (his family) and I know he will be the life and soul, whilst I'll be feeling really uncomfortable and will fade into the background as usual. I'm absolutely dreading it. The whole thing just makes me feel like a miserable old bastard. Does anyone else have a similar issue or is it just me?

Thanks cola, it's a relief to know that someone else understands. I have mentioned it to him. He said I need to losen up which is true.

I find it easier to meet new people when he's not around. I feel more relaxed and can have a good time. That's probably because of the jealousy issue.

You're right about weddings!

I have a similar issue - I'm polar opposites to my DH. Much better one on one than in a big group particularly with a bunch of strangers.

Remind yourself that he loves you, and remind him that you are not socially comfortable and to spend time with you on the day/include you in the conversation and not to forget that you don't know the "in" family jokes. We don't all have to be the life and soul - that would be exhausting for eveyone.

There are tricks - make personal enquiries. Be an active listener - the life and soul people rarely are. People love to talk about themselves and will love you for allowing them to bore you to death about their kids/job/interior design.
Download a book to your iphone. If you get totally hacked off, there's no reason not to have 30 mins downtime somewhere quiet with a glass of something cheeky. You'll find plenty of other like minded souls hanging out on a quiet bench somewhere.

Hi, my XH was in a band and was a dj, all the ladies and guys used to say how cool he was and i always felt very uncool!!! I found myself going to gigs i didn't really want to be at and even trying to dress in a really cool way... such hard work !!! He chose you and loves you for your personality, I'm sure you have qualities that he doesn't so try and feel comfortable just being you.

I am definitely the uncool one out of the two of us Annie. I must have my redeeming qualities as I do have friends.

Good tips there oscar. I'll keep an eye out for the quiet bench and I'll probably end up engaged in a deep converstation about politics, religion or philosophy with an elderly person. That's how it usually pans out. Not that it's a bad thing.

Doesn't sound like jealousy to me. More like you feel you are in his shadow or overwhelmed by his public persona.

He's chose you and he's with you so that's not the issue.

When you are out with him, take a step back and try to see him from other people's point of view. Is he good fun? Then just enjoy that from your safe distance. If he's overwhelming, then find a quiet corner with like-minded folk and enjoy their conversation.

Sometimes the life and soul of the party can actually be a wee bit wearing if you are not in the mood. Feel free to withdraw and socialise according to your own preferences.

I feel completely overwhelmed and overshadowed running.

We went out on Monday with friends and some of their friends who we have never met. He is fun and he is a laugh, but he was being so loud that I felt embarrassed even though everyone was laughing. As I live with this cheeky chappy, the hilarity has worn off for me somewhat.

How about you look at it another way. You have such a great, popular partner and everyone else is probably jealous of you. But you can't change his personality and it is not fair to try to make him change who he is. Do you really expect him to sit there quietly in a corner just because you want to?

He sounds a bit of an over bearing buffoon to me

I never said anything about wanting him to just their in a corner being all silent Crinkle.

I'm just fe up of everyone going on about how great he is, whereas I get totally ignored.

Cola I would say it's about 50/50 and it depends who is 'adience' is. For example; on Monday a young lady was in permanent fits of goggles, which just egged him on to become louder. I think he basically likes to show off a bit and be the centre of attention.

Curse my fast fingers and typos.

Being fed up of everyone going on sbout how great your DP is seen to be, & jealous you arent getting the same attention, just sounds mean and petty. Youre better meeting people when he's not around..youre embarassed by his loudness..?! Its no bad thing to be popular just sounds as if its part of his character. You have your personality, he has his, and people approach who they want to. You havent said he complains about your personality so Im assuming he doesnt. Maybe try harder to be ok with his. Life would be boring if we were all the same. Far Better Mr Popular than Mr Misery Guts

Aww I totally understand what you're saying. It's hard to be around someone who's like that all the time. you don't want to fade into the background but if you start ramping up the funny and loud you will just look as though you're competing and then people will think you an odd couple who are like a pair of attention seeking kids!
Maybe in a group situation if he is always performing can you chat to people on the edge of the group, not everyone will be in thrall to him? Also he does need to make the effort to include you or just check in with you one to one every now and then, he could use it as part of his act: 'please excuse me I just need to see my beautiful wife' people will understand that and it will make his audience adore him all the more!
Also do you need to attend every single occasion together? It must get so boring for you, maybe you could skip some of them and give yourself a break?

Has he ever tried stand up comedy? If he has people laughing all the time maybe he could find a valid outlet OR he might discover that people are only laughing to be polite or because they can't believe what a show off he is!

Is he like that at home with you too? Or do you see another side that is quieter and more reflective? I had a bf years ago who was the life and soul, apparently, but it was a bit of an act as he was quieter at home. I'm quite confident but not so much of a 'show man' and I often thought he was trying too hard and it slipped into desperation and people-pleasing.

My point is that he wasn't the perfect jolly, friendly, not-a-care-in-the-world character that everyone assumed he was.

Is your DP always kind and caring to you? If he brushes off any doubts about his behaviour or concerns about the company he's keeping then I'd say it's a bit of a red flag, in my experience.

It is the opposite way round in our relationship.
I am confident and gregarious (don't think I'm too loud) I can talk to anybody.
My DP is the opposite. He often gets quite nervous if we are going somewhere where he won't know many people. I promise not to leave him by himself.
I wouldn't change a single thing about him though. He is what he is (the same as you are what you are) and that is what I fell in love with.

Honestly I think this is your problem, and you do actually sound quite bitter and mean. Presumably he was always like this and you fell in live and chose to marry him.

Maybe you could ask H to be a bit quieter and more inclusive of you, but you're going to have to ready to meet him half way by making in effort to be included.

If I were at a party and you two were there, I know who I would be drawn to and it's not the one with the cats bum mouth. In a transiently social setting like a wedding you're there to have fun for that limited time, it's not an occasion for in-depth meaningful debate.

I agree with TSSDNCOP

Presumably you prefer your DP's company to anyone else's, and you like all his qualities you have described, so really when you go out socialising you should be enjoying being with him, even if he is more sociable and funny, are you not there too having a good time and enjoying his company?

This jealousy is getting in the way of you having a good time with the man you have chosen to have a relationship with.

Try going to this wedding today with a different mindset. Pretend you have only just started dating him or something, see it in a different more positive light. He is funny and outgoing and you are going out with him! Engage with him even, flirt with him, be the one he is making laugh.

My stbxdp is like this, and I'm likeyou!!! It's not a nicefeeling at All, I have no idea how you can change things! I was always jealous because he had a life aswell, he had a job, had time away from dc etc etc...

Good luck, hope you find a solution :)

Does your dp dominate social situations at your expense? Is he seen as the great fun guy and you're the quiet girlfriend. If he is aware of how you feel, he should encourage to become involved in the conversation.

He sounds as though he revels in the attention, which is all well and good, but not good if its at your expense. I would certainly feel put out if my partner was bantering away with other women. Acceptable sometimes, but all the time would be very annoying. I don't think many women would appreciate that.

I've felt like this in the past. I'm quite sociable, but I take a while to feel comfortable to 'show' myself, and up until I feel okay I'm sure I come across as quite reserved and quiet. I had a very outgoing boyfriend and when he got going I used to find myself feeling a bit left out and resentful towards him.

Have you ever felt like this before? I realised that I'd felt the same way in my family when I was younger as I was born a good few years after my brothers and sisters. I used to feel left out then and quite peripheral to what was going on, and that it must mean there was something wrong with me.

Hi there, I'm back from the wedding and it was lovely. I had fun and met some really nice people and had a good laugh. DP was as entertaining as ever.

tippexquee, it's funny that you should bring up the whole family thing. My family is full of loud, outgoing people and I've always had issues with feeling ignored. I was the quiet one who always reading.