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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't know what to do.

8 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 08/08/2013 12:20

My parents split up when I was 8, I'm now 22. My dad lives with his partner (my SM) a 15 minute drive away, they have 1 car which my stepmum uses for work, dad is unemployed and has easy access to public transport, they're both in their forties and neither have any mobility issues etc. The reason I've told you this is so you know how close he is and how able he is to visit.

He's always been a bit lax where christmas is concerned, not bringing cards etc until a week or so after the 25th, with birthdays he's usually better, turning up within a few days of the big day. But in the past 2-3 years he's been getting worse with them. He's spent my whole life breaking promises to me and my big sister, ('I promise I'll take you to the fair next year' next year came and he'd say the same) I'm used to being let down by him, but other than the broken promises he'd been a great dad.

It was my birthday on 16th June, my DD's 2nd birthday on the 17th June. On my birthday he wrote 'Happy Birthday x' on my Facebook and that was it, I haven't heard a thing from him since. He told my sister he would come over on the bus on DD's birthday. He didn't. I didn't bother with his birthday which was last month, just put the same message on his Facebook that he left on mine. I still have his Fathers day card sat on the drawers!

He always seems to be in town though! I often see his car parked in the supermarket carpark and driving around. He goes to my sisters quite a lot too.

I just don't know what to do. I just can't be bothered with him anymore, we used to make an effort to go and visit him for birthdays but when he didn't reciprocate with ours we stopped. I'm fed up of making the effort and not getting anything in return.

It's my little sisters birthday next week, she's 7. We'll have to visit, but I just don't want to see him. I won't be able to guarantee what comes out of my mouth.

I don't even know what I'm asking. Sorry it's so long and well done if you managed to read through it all.

OP posts:
Mosman · 08/08/2013 14:31

I wouldn't give him any more opportunities to let you down or hurt you tbh. I would walk over broken glass to see my kids never mind a few miles, the fact that he isn't putting in even that much effort spells out he's not bothered. Let him do the running but get into a take him or leave him mentality.

TheCunnyFunt · 08/08/2013 20:43

That's what my DP thinks too. He's furious on mine and DD's behalf.

I'm just worried about seeing him on my sisters birthday. What do I say??

OP posts:
DevonshireCat · 08/08/2013 21:28

Please don't let this eat away at you. Your father's feelings towards you aren't diminished in his eyes by not turning up: I guess those things simply aren't important to him. That doesn't mean either that he should get away with it - what a twattish thing to do. His behaviour is not a reflection of you.

Secondly there is no rule to say he's either in your life or cut out of it. Have a few months where you don't contact him and see what happens. You don't have to tell him you're doing this. If you want to see him go over; but don't fall in to the black and white trap of telling him you want nothing to do with him: that's difficult to recover from.

Best wishes

Vivacia · 08/08/2013 21:39

Why don't you offer to pick your sister up and take her out?

Longer term, what relationship do you picture you and your dad having?

TheCunnyFunt · 08/08/2013 22:03

Devonshire we often go months with no contact. Infact, I just checked, the last text in my phone to/from him is 8th January. We tend to only see each other at special occasions (birthdays etc) and the first special family occasion of the year in my dads calendar is my birthday.

Vivacia I'd love to be able to take her out for the day but DP has got a lot of work on at the moment and is working like a blue arsed fly to get finished before our holiday next month, and I don't drive.

OP posts:
TheCunnyFunt · 08/08/2013 22:09

Long term, I can't really vision much of a relationship. DP asked me to marry him last year and my dad had a grumble that DP hadn't asked his permission. From DP's POV my dad hasn't been much of a dad to me from what he's seen in the 7 years we've been together, and he'd lost the right to be asked.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 08/08/2013 22:42

Do you think your expectations of him are reasonable?

TheCunnyFunt · 08/08/2013 23:08

I think so yes, it's not much to ask is it really? A text/phonecall every so often to see how we're all doing and a visit on a birthday.

OP posts:
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