Difficult relationship with terminally ill mother

[Littleen]

Hi guys.
So I am really struggling here..My mother have in the past been emotionally and at times physically abusive to me, and our relationship have always been very, very difficult. I moved out because of it 7 years ago, and our relationship slowly improved. It was fairly good before I moved back to the village, after living far away for 5 years. She was diagnosed with cancer 16 months ago, and despite all doctors and specialists reassuring her she would recover, she always insisted she would not. And now it does indeed seem like she won't, and might not have that many years left at all.

The issue is, since moving back nearby, she has not stopped shouting at me for everything, and criticise me for anything I say or do. I wear the wrong clothes, cook the wrong food, talk about the wrong topics, don't keep my own place tidy enough - it is an endless list, and I cannot be in the same room as her for more than a few minutes before she begins. It's bad, I can't describe it very well, but she starts a screaming match every single day - if I am not there (I have no bathroom or washing machine where I live, so I have to visit to shower etc.), she will come to my place, or phone me, to tell me off for something or ridicule me. In the start I would argue back, but now I just say "ok" and try to get out of there asap.

I told her after a few weeks that I am pregnant, and she was glad for a brief moment, which was nice. I mistakenly thought it could be a turning point, but it quickly went back to the same routine. I attempted to ask advice about a MC I had, as it suddenly came back on my mind when I got pregnant - I was and am still very worried. Her response was shocking - she said that she had an abortion once, and basically acted as if it was a competition?! I knew about her abortion, so it was not necessary to remind me, but nonetheless, she absolutely had no care about me feeling upset about what happened. I know it's common to have a mc, but sometimes you just want some reassurance, right? She rolled her eyes and kept on being rude to me.

I am at the end of my tethers, I am so sad that she is ill, and I desperately wish we could spend the last few years as a family, not fighting constantly. (I get along well with the rest of my family). She however, will not stop attacking me. I believe that illness or not, nobody is entitled to treat other people as scum, so I feel this is very unfair, despite how hard her life is right now. I have never been treated this horrible, not from her in the past, nor even when I was bullied at school!

Please don't shout at me for being upset "because she has cancer" - I get enough of this IRL. I know she is ill, and I do everything I can to support her and my dad, but I cannot put up with the abuse, and I feel that for the good of me and my baby, I need to cut contact - but I really don't want to. I have tried to talk calmly about how I feel, I have tried to be positive, or focus on the baby in conversations, but she won't have it at all. Please, please can someone help?

Hi op sorry you are going through this. Check out the relationships section, there is thread called stately homes. There maybe someone that understands what you are going through on there x

Just leaving your mum out of it for a minute, I am worried that you don't have a bathroom or a washing machine where you live.

Do you live with your boyfriend?

How will you manage without a bathroom when you have a baby?

I'm afraid that I'm another one who is more concerned about your living conditions than about your mum. Where on earth do you live OP? I can understand the not having a washing machine, but it must be illegal to not have access to a bathroom.

If you didn't have to go to your mums for a wash then that would help with at least some of the issues.

I would also look at moving asap so you are not dependent on her facilities.

Cancer doesn't give her a free pass to abuse you. If you can get the bathroom etc sorted so you don't have to go, then I would go at set times and if she starts getting abusive, tell her she has to stop or you will leave. Then follow through. The next day do the same, and again and again. You are not deserting her that way but you are showing that this behaviour is unacceptable.

And on coming to your place, you don't have to let her in.

We have no money so going to take up some loan to rent a place of our own, just moved from england to norway, staying with my gran and can't use her bathroom, just the loo! nor do we have key to lock anyone out, so. But working on sorting this out soon!

Why can't you use her bathroom? Is she generally unkind to you?

That's a huge adventure moving to Norway! Do you speak the language?

For a moment think how she would be without the cancer. Loving, patient, kind?

Now she is facing a limited future. Does she vow to make up for lost time, help you plan your future and use any spare energy to reassure you that you'll make a wonderful mother in spite of her own effort?

Some parents pick one child or their only child for that matter as a scapegoat. Easy target for frustrated ambitions or resented for reduced income.

Others actually have a weird way of showing love. Praise is rationed. Rather than risk making a child "soft" they find fault, urge them to improve, achieve, excel. Nothing they do is good enough.

Is your relationship with your dad better, or was he always supporting your mum?

Like many on here I lost loved ones to cancer. I don't think at the time they got their diagnoses they owed it to anyone to act or talk in a particular way. Disease does not confer sainthood. They had enough to cope with. They deserved to focus on themselves not expend energy on those surviving them. That they were nice empathic people to start with didn't lessen their struggle but sure as hell made it easier for the rest of us to overlook any 'difficult' behaviour as they fought that horrible disease.

OP you and your mum clashed you all those years pre-cancer. Compassion for someone facing that decline is one thing. Putting yourself in the firing line of an unpleasant individual because of your poor domestic sanitation arrangements is another.

Do other family members visit her? Is she obnoxious to them all? Or is she just used to you being her 'whipping boy'?

How far along is your pregnancy? Are any other family members able to suggest alternative accommodation? Summer is half over. Find yourself some proper place to stay, apply for state help, look into any church charity. Focus on you and DH/DP. Expecting a baby is no time to reduce living standards or risk your health or add to stresses.

My grans fine, but for various reason me and my partner can't use her bathroom or washing machine. She is an awkward old lady :P
I am actually Norwegian, so for me it's just a case of "moving back home". Not so easy for my English bf!

Donkeys: Without the cancer, she would be much kinder and more patient, and slightly less self obsessed. But not to a huge extent - she has treated me badly for so many years before she got ill, so it's not down to that. She refuses to admit any fault or anything, and is in complete denial about the past and the present.

I've always been the scapegoat, but since moving out it has become more balanced between me and my older sister. Younger sister can never do wrong, she really is "the baby". Got a good relationship with my dad, but he worked at sea and so don't know the extent of it all from the past, but he does try to calm things down atm. She does get abusive to him and her own parents at time, and my older sister, but not even near how she behaves towards me for the last few months. I'm 11 weeks pregnant, and don't feel the stress is doing me any good at all. Fingers crossed we get somewhere of our own to live very soon though, that will help alot.

Whether he is fluent in Norwegian or not, your boyfriend surely realises how upset your mother makes you.

For the record Littleen I am not trying to nag you into going no contact with your mum but really hope you protect yourself.

Snazzy suggested set time visits and at the first sign of bullying, state you won't stick around to be told off then if she persists, get up and go. Or just do what you couldn't as a child - walk out when she starts up.

The rest of your family evidently didn't question her treatment of you. She can switch from cherishing and maternal with your younger DSis to critical and belligerent towards you. Her only concession is to give you and your older sister an equal tongue lashing. She's not mellowed OP and you can't turn the clock back.

Yes, this is all true Donkey. My bf does know what a major issue it is, and is supportive of me, and also encourages no contact. I think I still cling on to that "need to please her" thing, and it doesn't feel right to end it like this, when she might not have that long left. She's got all other people, incl. my friends, believing she is the most wonderful lady, and with such a small community, I worry I would get abuse from everyone around me if I went no contact + I rely on my dad for financial support, and really get along with him, but I don't think he would accept nc with my mother :(

Abuse from everyone around you as opposed to just from a major figure in your life if you cut her off. That is so sad.

Financial dependence means dancing to the purse holder's tune. If your father is at all aware of his wife's habit of playing favourites, yet expects you to put up with it, that doesn't say much for him.

How do you ensure traditions don't filter through to the next generation? You broke away once. Keeping your M at some distance worked for a while. Manipulative personalities are often very good at passing themselves off as victims or martyrs.

pumpkinsweetie said very early on, there is a thread called "But we took you to stately homes!" in this Relationships section. Toxic parents never admit to dividing their children into golden child vs scapegoat, the children are made to feel responsible, the thread looks at different strategies etc.