I think I might have depression....but I'm taking it out on my partner

[wakemeupwhenitsallover]

I could really do with a few words of wisdom here please,I have no-one to talk to who would understand.

I've been with dp 3yrs, he is a good man,we have had problems but things are good and stable now.

Things are getting me down and I'm feeling very irrational about nearly everything.

Bit of background, as I think this could be part of the problem.

I was abused by my grandad for many years when I was younger, I didn't tell anyone but when I was 19 my mum found out - my sister had been through the same and had told her partner and they had a baby girl and didn't want her near him.

My mum asked me if the same had happened to me, I told her the truth and to be honest she was awful, she told me not to ever tell anyone especially any of my friends as its shameful, and lets just sweep it under the carpet.

She then told all of her friends which I found horrible, and said we wouldnt tell my dad as it would upset him, which was fine by me - I didn't want him upset.

She made me still see my grandad at Xmas so dad wouldn't find anything strange, even though I said please don't make me.

One day out of the blue I woke up went downstairs and she said she had told my dad, and he hadn't said anything, and just went out.

For about 3months he barely looked at me, never mentioned it and I got so down - I moved out. I drank a lot every night and remember getting out of bed to go to work was a struggle, I could have slept forever.

My grandad then died about a year later, I was made to go to the funeral when I said I really didn't think I could go through it - I was told what would people think so I had to.

This was so many years ago now, I'm in my thirties now, yet I have a horrible feeling its still affecting me in my relationship.

My ex and I were together 10 years and he was my rock, and he had a lot of issues too, but it seemed to work because I could talk to him if I felt down and he did the same with me.

My new relationship I feel a lot more alone, even though I think its a healthier relationship and he has a very positive outlook on things and doesn't let life get him down.

If I see my ex - ( we have a dog together - so we share custody :) ) I feel so guilty that I have moved on with someone new, he seems so sad at times and I leave his house feeling awful.

I think I'm taking all of this out on my partner, I get so irrational over silly things, and I feel ridiculously needy if I don't feel listened to or taken seriously.

He is very different to my previous partner and It sounds silly but I feel and act like a stupid child with him, its like I need recognition all the time and its doing my own head in, and I'm sure his too.

I'm sorry this has been so long, I needed to get a few things off my chest, feels like my head wants to explode sometimes!

Thanks in advance of any help

Well you really have been through it haven't you.
It must have been horrible and for your mother to behave in such a way once you had told her is, quite frankly, unforgiveable!
Does your current partner know about your past?
Does he help and support you when you need it?
Have you had counselling at all.
If not, then I suggest that this is the first step.
You need to come to terms with happened to you and you will need professional help for this.
Try not to worry about your Ex. I realise it must be hard after so many years together, but you now have a new life and need to get on with that at the same time coming to terms with your past. If that makes any sense?
Stop beating yourself up. You've been through more than most people can ever imagine so get some help and good luck.

Thank you so much for replying :)

My current partner knows a tiny bit, but not to any extent, he had a rubbish childhood and have cut his family completely off, he has a very proactive outlook. I cannot do this as I don't want to hurt anyones feelings!

Last night I laid in bed and cried, didn't have a specific reason why I'm just feeling at a complete loss with life at the moment, and he holds me, but he then just thinks it hormonal! He doesn't seem to go much deeper than that :) I dont talk to anyone about all of that though, it just is easier not to.

I would like to see someone who can help, I have thought about it in the past but the main worry is what if they think I'm wasting there time and thats nothing compared to other peoples problems!

I can not offer any advice re previous abuse but strongly suggest counselling to help you process all these past issues. The abuse clearly was not handled well by your family. Do you talk to your sister about it??
However I do understand the new versus old relationship bit. My exDH and I are very amicable anx friendly and I feel very guilty about moving on with my urrent dp (3 years). Sometimes I take this out on dp andcan be needy and demanding. I know im not being fair and try to take out to 'have a word with myself'. Remember ex's are ex's for a reason and it it easier to look back with rose tinted glasses. Like me you spent a decade with your ex, a long time and a lot of shared history, particularly when he supported you with your child hood trauma.

Thank you for reply, I used to talk to my sister about it, I could try that again,

Has counselling worked for anyone in a good way? Im a bit nervous and dont know what I will get out of it.

Wake me up, you are not going mad I promise you. The past in banging on the door to get let out is all.

Let it out.

I wonde if your current partner is in denial and prefers it that way?

Either way, do stop being irrational and do start placing the blame where it belongs, and tour fear of being ignored is normal since you were ignored by the very people who were jest to love you.

It's alright to say all of this as well xx you are alright my love, take it nice and steady xx do get some counselling tho with someone experienced in these matters xxx

Counselling is fantastic, I am a survivor and now I help other survivors. What it is is talking about what happened and the counsellor will put it in different words for you and call it the right names ..... Like abuse, denial, blame, fake, not shameful to you but shameful to him, being let down, being nary, feeling scared, not having grown up etc xxx