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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband had an affair help

8 replies

pathfinder4 · 08/08/2013 08:53

Hello all
Please bare with me this is going to be a long one end of march I picked up my husbands phone to put a alarm on and when the screen lit up it was full of messages between my husband and someone else. The next day we were due to go on holiday and for kids sake I went. Thus ensued three weeks of hell whereby we were suppose to be sorting out our marriage....yeah right he kept talking to this person and it came to a head one sat when she was texting me vile things and my h didn't rebuke anything she said. I kicked him out as he would not give her up even though he said he had so he moved in with her he left me and our four young children after nearly 10 years of marriage 6weeks later I said that I would consider couples therapy ECG if he moved to his parents or he could stay where he was....well he moved to his parents couples therapy commenced and we were finally sorting out what went wrong that led to the affair he changed his numbers ECt but I don't think that has stopped him from having any contact with her As he works in the area she lives ECt and she has been driving round checking where he is. I don think the affair is still going on but he lies or tells half truths so easily. Basically I thought it was going ok i was starting to feel secure again we were having fun messing around he told me frequently that he loved me bought me flowers talked to me which we had stopped doing but then a week ago it turned up at our house as h had moved home it was banging on my door screaming and swearing calling h names and all this in front of his children.he never did anything he stood there didn't comfort me or his children who were scared have called him an emotionless robot before but omg he really is now he won't say I love you he kisses me differently again he won't have cuddles but when I say what's wrong he says nothing we are sorting things out I feel at the end o my tether he cheated on me so why does he get to be quiet and moody maybe I have made things to easy for him was I wrong to take him back and try again its like he does not care how I feel or how he makes me feel I think he thinks wow two women fighting for me so he parades around like a cock he finds it funny while it makes me feel sick I just don't know how to get through to him I feel miserable Nd sick thinking I have made the wrong choice he found it so easy to walk out on me what if he does it again do I keep trying and see where things go or do I just cut loose now

OP posts:
Roshbegosh · 08/08/2013 08:56

Can you think about what YOU actually want?

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 08/08/2013 09:00

Cut loose now. Honestly. And I am not normally of the leave the bastard brigade.

Doha · 08/08/2013 09:23

He was not a prize to be won OP. You should think very carefully about what you really want. This is a man who walked out on you and his DC's and didn't try to protect or defend you from her rantings.
This is a man who isn't bending over backwards to make things right between you.
Have you taken any legal advice on what you would be entitled to if you split?

Reddwarflover · 08/08/2013 10:10

Omg sounds just like what my dad did to my mum and us kids.
Destroyed my mum in the end. She was so humiliated by the ow kicking the front door and screaming the house down that we had to move.
Kick him out now and start a new life just you and the kiddies.
I would rather my mum have stuck to her guns and never let him back then to have grown up in that mess! My mum deeply regrets it too and wishes she had never taken him back. Don't let this be you. You will regret it.

elizadofuckall · 08/08/2013 10:32

Firstly I would call the police if she comes to your house again screaming and shouting. Secondly, If he isnt trying incredibly hard to make things right for YOU, then he needs to go as his priorities appear to be anywhere but with you and the children.

OrmirianResurgam · 08/08/2013 13:07

He is split between his family and OW. He was able to make a choice only while he didn't have to make it final - he left an emotional door open and when she walked in through it he couldn't push her away. He misses her. Sorry Sad - it's shit to hear things like that.

The choices are;

  1. Kick him out and let him stew. Force him to really think about what he is losing - atm he gets to miss her and fantasise about life with her. That is not OK. It may well be better without him anyway.
  2. Lay ground rules - eg send her a NC letter saying it's all over, watch him like a hawk, worry.

Personally I'd favour 1. I did 2 but H was entirely remorseful and prepared to 'dump' OW (for want of a better word). Even so it's been hard hard hard.

ageofgrandillusion · 08/08/2013 13:12

You have a choice OP. Dump dump him, regain some self respect and start to move in with your life. Pain in the short run, sure, but eventually there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
Stay with him, essentially sharing him with this woman - or whoever else comes along - and live the rest of your life on edge, wondering what he is up to and with your self worth and respect ground thoroughly into the dirt.

Tortington · 08/08/2013 13:17

he's a twat love - get rid

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