Said it's over...feeling devastated (kind words please)

[clare1279]

Hello, please can you help me, I am feeling terrible, maybe I am being pathetic but today I just can't stop crying.

I made the decision to end 10 year relationship after long held nagging doubts related to no sexlife and tricky emotional connection (have made lots of changes over time and been to counselling but feels like we're flatmates only) and whether that was a good basis for marriage and having kids (we're both 33). So, my decision, I should live with it but today I feel overwhelmed with feelings of loss, fear, hurt and confusion - has anyone had experience of this?

Am I just feeling sorry for myself? I am happy for him and feel that he will do brilliantly without me (much happier etc) but am so fearful of what my future holds. We have to move out of our house in 2 weeks - he is very organised so has already got a lovely flat in a great area, started packing and making lists and his parents and siblings are rallying round (which is what I would want for him). I have started a new job (quite hard going) and am finding it difficult to find somewhere to live in the new area as nowhere is very nice, I don't know anyone and I'm a long way from friends and family (all of whom are wrapped up in their own lives, understandably) so I feel as though I am completely alone and essentially amount to nothing.

Please help x

I wish I could be of more help, but you will get through to the other side. You'll find somewhere lovely and settle down and make it your own. Could non of your family just come and stay with you for a day or two to help you sort out ((hugs))

Hi OP (and littlet). Yes there must be a black hole for now and you will be afraid. But slowly and surely the hole gets smaller as your new life builds and fills in around it.

try not to think too much about how he is doing and where he is living. You will find your own place at your own pace.

Do you have children together?
Maybe not as you haven't mentioned them. That lessens the complications. If you do have dc together, then if your relationship has just run its course, you can both give your children a lovely life with no bitterness.

Your future may seem bleak or difficult now, but you are so young (33 is bugger all!!) and are clearly a feeling, loving and kind woman.

Be good to yourself and keep posting for help.

I hope you have secured yourself financially and have not given him the lions share out of sadness. (I did this once and shold never have been so hard on myself!!) Hugs

I have no experience but I'm certain those feelings of loss and fear are entirely normal - ten years is a long time and this is a big change for you.

You say that you are happy for him - now you need to be happy for you. You have to imagine something good in your own future - a holiday of your own choosing for example - and start to feel the benefits of your new life.

I agree with the above poster who mentioned harnessing some real life support. Your friends and family may be far away and busy, but surely if they knew how much you are struggling right now they would be there like a shot. Perhaps you present yourself as very capable (which I'm sure you are) so people don't realise that you don't feel capable right now. Be direct and ask someone to come and help you flat hunt / pack / hold your hand for a couple of days.

And keep posting here. You're going to be okay.

Thank you so much everyone, you are so kind. We don't have kids, I was worried about having them with someone when I had doubts. Now I worry my doubts were silly and I have got myself into a horrible situation. Don't feel as though I can ask family and friends for help as it was my decision, it just comes along with other changes which I guess make it harder. I have no siblings only my mum and dad, I feel as if I tell them too much about how I feel they will be really worried. All friends are with new babies/ young children so barely have time for themselves.

It sounds like you're going through a lot at the moment but at least know these feelings are completely normal and will fade with time. You just need to keep telling yourself this is not a permanent way of feeling but a necessary stage on the way to something much better. Good luck - you can do this. You've done the hardest part already.

Oh and you can definitely ask friends and family for help - it doesn't matter whether it was your decision or not, you're still going through a breakup and need and deserve support!

Hello OP - I am in a really similar situation and would love to chat, I'm reluctant to post here as it will out me easily, but I can't seem to directly message you, could you change your settings perhaps so I could? Hope you're doing ok x

Thanks for your responses, it really helped last night to feel some support - those of you who read and post in the dark hours are so important as that is when you can feel the most alone - thank you.

Am I alone in feeling this mixture of sadness and regret when ending a relationship? I am almost jealous of the girl he will get to meet and have the life that I wanted with him if it had worked out - makes me so sad

No, you're not alone in that. One of the things that I'm finding hardest to get out of my head and be rational about is the extreme jealousy imagining the girl that my ex is going to spend his life with. They'll have everything I so wanted, and that's really hard to get my head around - its another kind of loss and I cannot be ok with thinking about that right now, it's heartbreaking.

I hope you're doing ok OP. Your situation sounds very similar to mine - I'm 4 months in - and I really feel for you.