I think my childhood is ruining my relationship. I can't show my fiance affection :( ADVICE & KIND WORDS PLZ! x

[rainwinddancer]

This is my first post and I am not sure if I'm posting in the appropriate place. I am in desperate need of advice! I am a 23 year old mother and I have been with my fiance for 8 years, we have 2 young children. We are getting married in 2015. I know and feel adoration for my fiance and really cannot imagine life without him in it! He is a fantastic father and is a really loving affectionate person. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and love him with every beat of my heart but I just cannot bring myself to show him the love and affection he needs and deserves!! If I feel these things then why can't I show it? I watch other couples being really cuddly and saying really loving things to one another and I think .. how can that come so natural to people? If I were to try and say or do these things with my fiance it makes me feel really uncomfortable! I do kiss him & we have a cuddle of the sofa at night when kids are in bed but its the spontaneous 'i love yous' & hugs & kisses & really opening up about my emotions and feelings that I struggle with! He is always trying to cuddle & kiss me when he gets in from work & 90% of the time I either push him away or give a quick peck & get back to looking after the kids/housework etc! I sound like a horrible person but it really is hurting me & I know that its hurting him badly! I think to myself that maybe its the stress we are under (money mainly) or is it my childhood? Throughout my childhood I never ONCE saw my mother and father showing ANY sort of love for one another. Not a kiss/hug .. nothing. They never even spoke civilly, constant arguing, violence every day until I was 13 years old when they split up!!! My dad was an alcoholic and I was never hugged or felt love to or from my father. My mother always made me feel loved and was really affectionate towards my sister and I. Showing my 2 daughters love, giving them hugs and kisses comes very naturally to me and I'm always making sure they know how special and amazing they are. So why can't I show the father of my children this too? Is my childhood ruining my relationship? Is it because I never saw an example of a couple showing love for one another? Sorry for rambling on, I'm really desperate for advice!! I'm scared that I will lose him as this has went on too long. PLEASE HELP :( xx

Hello OP

I don't have any advice, but reading what you said about your childhood it's no wonder that you don't find spontaneous hugs and affection easy.

It's a bit quiet on the board at this time of night, hopefully you'll get some wise advice in the morning.

Does your fiance actually mind?

Is he accepting of you as you are?

You say nothing about this being a problem within your relationship, only within your own self. If you a kind loving and tactile mother to yours and his babies then maybe he can see the sweet affectionate soul inside of you.

Do you have a loving and fulfilling sex life?

Some people just aren't touchy-feely people. I'm one of them. I'm fine giving my kids hugs etc, but I don't like hugs from adults, loathe kissing, and am always the first to break away when cuddling. It doesn't mean I don't love DP - I just have other ways of showing it, like bringing him a cup of tea in bed, cooking favourite foods as a surprise, running a bath for him when I know he's tired & his back is aching (he won't have said as much either, I'll have worked it out from observation). Knowing someone and anticipating their needs is just as good as a hug, and every cup of tea I bring him in bed is a kiss. And he knows.

is it really a problem?

what i mean is - does your partner know and understand that you love him but are just not demonstrative?

i have been married for 22 years. I love dh with all my heart - and i know he loves me from the everyday things he does and the way he puts up with my.....eccentricities! but we dont have a very touchy feeling relationship - neither of us are good at that - but its fine - we both feel secure and we show love for each other in other ways. Our love life is fine and so i dont give it a second thought. My children are 21 and 16, they have been brought up in a very happy and secure home and are able to show affection just fine.

so ask yourself - is this really a problem? if so, for who?

if it really is a problem then i would suggest counselling. But not every marriage has to be touchy feely -
if we are out and about i often link arms with DH....we are just not the kind of couple who would sit and smooch! its doesnt mean our marriage is any less solid.

i am very touchy/feely with the kids (so much so that DD now tells me to get off!)
its not a problem to us at all - dont let the notion that to be happy you have to be at it like bunnies rule whether you are truly happy or not.

if you are not happy, or your patner is not happy, then you may need to address it, but showy demonstrations of affection are not the be all and end all.