Do I want to be in this relationship?

[Dolly80]

I have been with my partner for nearly 4 yrs and we have a 17 month old daughter. Of late I have started to feel a real sense of apathy towards our relationship and I would be lying if I said this was the first time I'd felt it...since being pregnant my feelings towards 'us' have swayed from love to apathy to hate and everywhere in between.

We both work full time - my choice as I worked a 4 day week previously but wanted something more local so made a change of job a few months ago - I earn more than him and whilst he says this isnt a problem the look on his face at the mortgage advisors at the weekend said it all (its about 4-5k more, i dont consider it a massive problem but hey ho)

I used to own a flat but when we outgrew it I sold up, broke even and we moved in with my parents in the hope of saving that elusive house deposit. I think he hates living here but he'll never really admit it. However he has only saved £500 in the last 6 months toward moving which, when you consider his essential outgoings atm are about £350 pm, is pretty dire. He is great at maths but cr*p with money whereas I am the opposite so this is not a total surprise but somewhat disappointing.

He is great with our daughter but I think his focus on being a Dad has definitely outweighed his focus on 'us' I can't say I'm any better in this respect. He's certainly the more 'natural' parent of the two of us however that said his parenting starts and ends with looking after/ playing with DD....when it comes to shopping, housework, medical appts, arranging holidays etc I do it all. I broached this with him a week or two ago and he kinda shrugged and said sorry and that was it? I wouldn't mind so much if I was a sahm but working all week and doing everything else really grated me...not the actual doing it but his expectation that I will.

I've found I keep thinking about splitting up and then changing my mind as I don't want DD to lose a father figure, I worry about contact in the future and worry about how to tell everyone. I realise not one if these issues deals with our actual relationship or my feelings and perhaps therein lies my problem - what do I want!? I know that I can't carry on like this...stuck in a rut is such a cliche but seems rather apt :-(

Any advice would be a great help x

It's OK to dump a man who is not making your life better by his presence. It's fine to be single. Your DD is 17 months: crap men's crapness becomes more and more obvious once the first child arrives. Because a large percentage of men are selfish and consider themselves to be the person ie the one who matters, in any relationship, abusive or just unsatisfactory behaviour starts and slowly increases once the woman is focussing on something other than the man's whims and wishes. Before the first baby, women involved with inadequate men are able to believe that everything's fine, because it generally is... as long as the man's feelings and needs take precedence over hers. If you've got used to letting him have his own way over what to eat, where to go, who to socialise with etc by telling yourself that it's not worth having a row about and anyway as long as he's getting his own way he's lovely...

Yours sounds more lazy and selfish than actively malevolent. If you get rid of him as a partner he might still be a passable father, and you will feel less resentful about him not doing any domestic work if he's also not messing up your home by leaving dirty washing and dirty cups and plates everywhere.