Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Getting husband to break the apron strings - tricky MIL

15 replies

seoladair · 07/08/2013 22:57

My MIL has always been very overbearing but it didn't bother me until I became pregnant. She has tricky family relationships and is virtually estranged from her daughter, my husband's half-sister.

She behaved terribly last summer, shouting hysterically at me in front of my then 13month old when my husband and I insisted on parenting our way. She actually said "no, I do things my way, not yours".

Anyway, I read Toxic Inlaws and worked hard to set boundaries. Last summer she came storming in saying "I'm very angry you are only staying for 3 nights". My response was to stay for only one night or do day visits.

The other night she got very angry with my husband on the phone because although he is going on holiday with her, I am unable to, due to work commitments (hurrah!)My little daughter will be staying with me as I would find it hard to let her go abroad without me.

My husband accepts all this but is so weak when his mother shouts at him. She was yelling that we don't visit enough, even though we had been there the night before, and she had been at our place 2 weeks earlier. My husband had also visited her twice during the last 2 weeks.

We give an inch, she tries to take 5 miles. My lovely husband and I end up fighting. He says if my parents behaved badly to hm he would put up with it and never complain but my parents are never intrusive or rude so he just doesn't know how I feel.

OP posts:
IceAddict · 07/08/2013 23:05

Ah Are you married to my DP?! I wish I could help but my situation is very similar and I can't change it. If anyone gives you the answer to this I will love them forever.

Xenadog · 08/08/2013 08:57

OP your husband needs to MTFU about this. His parents are his parents but his main obligation has to be his family - that's you and your DC. He needs to stand up to his mother and decide where his priorities lie.

It isn't OK to say that he would accept your parents treating him badly; by this he is simply saying that you should allow your MiL to ride rough shod over you and get away with dominating and controlling.

The only advice I can give is you sit down with your DH and you agree to present a united front to this woman and set clear and firm boundaries. He sounds very cowed by this bullying woman and he may not have the strength to stand up to her even with your support but he needs to for the sake of his family now.

I wish you well with this problem. xx

seoladair · 08/08/2013 10:19

Yes, I felt very hurt when he said that if my parents behaved badly he wouldn't complain. I was hurt firstly because he was basically saying I should put up with his mother, and secondly because my parents have been nothing but lovely to him.

They never interfere or criticise, quite deliberately. My husband is a wonderful father but when I came out of hospital with our newborn daughter he was sulky, unhelpful and resentful. My parents were unimpressed, and could have told him to pull his weight more, but didn't comment, as they felt it was for my husband and I to resolve, which we did, successfully.

My husband is cowed by her, and after realising how much he had upset me, he agreed that her behaviour is sometimes completely unacceptable. But his default setting is to bow to her bad behaviour, and to expect me to do the same, simply because she is his mother.

OP posts:
AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 08/08/2013 11:59

Your DP needs to put his big boy pants on now.

Screaming at you and your DS is completely out of fucking order and she is lucky she gets to see DGC. and not get lamped

Boundaries love, set time for visits a few times a week when DH and DS can visit her and you can catch up on work Mumsnet

Does he know you're losing respect for him over his inability to be a parent and partner 1st and a son 2nd?

Your parents are irrelevant because they aren't bloody unreasonable. He was clutching at straws there wast he!

seoladair · 08/08/2013 12:42

He knows my parents are great to him. I understand his predicament. He didn't ask to have a difficult mum. He says that his half-sister, by almost completely cutting herself off, has chosen not to have a mother, and he doesn't want to do that.

OP posts:
AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 08/08/2013 14:11

His responsibility is to you and your son, not his mother.

Isn't the idea we raise them right so they can go into the world and be caring,independent, free thinking adults capable of raising and supporting their own family?

I think id be having a word if my son was putting me before his partner and child but then again i'm not your MIL.

Being a mother does not turn you into an interfering cow (disclaimer i am aware this can often seem the case with MILs) but instead of focusing on his relationship with his mother you need to work on your own relationship IMO.

The way he prioritises her wants/needs over your own would be a huge issue for me.

seoladair · 08/08/2013 14:19

I think he prioritises her demands because he knows she is unreasonable and he wants a quiet life. It's easier for him to argue with me than her because I don't breathe fire when I'm upset! Also, I think he has been conditioned since childhood to pacify her.

OP posts:
AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 08/08/2013 14:24

He is an enabler.
It will only get worse and it needs to be nipped in the bud.
Pop in enabler into search here on Mumsnet and your eyes may be opened.
Its not your job to police his relationship with his mum but if it was me he would be bloody close to living with her full time.

It's easier for him to argue with me than her because I don't breathe fire when I'm upset!
Because the person who shouts loudest gets the best response? Does he want DS to learn this?

Crinkle77 · 08/08/2013 14:31

I think that you must stand up to this woman. You don't have to be nasty to her but just be firm. She is acting like a spoilt child who can't get her own way. Hopefully if you stand your ground she will get the message that you are not a walk over. If you give in at any point she will know that all she has to do is kick up a fuss and she will get her own way. Don't be too harsh on your dp cos she sounds like a right dragon and if he has spent all his life trying to placate her it is going to be difficult to break the habit.

seoladair · 08/08/2013 14:40

I have been standing firm since she shouted at me last summer so she doesn't try it on wih me now. But she still bullies my husband. It's so hard to get him to see it's unacceptable.I will look up enabler....

OP posts:
tangerinefeathers · 08/08/2013 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seoladair · 08/08/2013 14:42

Btw I won't have much internet time for the rest of today as I'm travelling, and about to meet my husband. I will return to the thread when I can. Thank you all.

OP posts:
seoladair · 08/08/2013 14:43

Yes, that's it Tangerine - nothing we do is ever enough....

OP posts:
AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 08/08/2013 14:44

See if any of this rings true

Good Luck, breaking habits of a lifetime are bloody hard work but DP does need to pull his socks up. You cannot do it for him.

Viking1 · 08/08/2013 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page