Distressed and anxious. Please help. Re. Divorce

[Rewindtimeplease]

DH and I have always had quite a tempestuous relationship, but fundamentally get on, enjoy one another's company and find each other attractive.

Recently though (last few months), things have not been great. He picks me up on everything, despite the fact that I have a toddler and a five month old and next to no support (parents have passed on). He is very particular about everything, and I suffer the brunt of it. But I could live with that and certainly would not consider that worthy of finishing a relationship over. The problem is his anger. When he blows, he really blows. Over the course of the last few months I have had a pint of milk poured over me, two glasses of water thrown over me, my make up bag flung across the room, a piece of furniture pulled over and a lap top thrown at the floor.

The last time, I had enough and said I wanted a divorce. He said I am being ridiculous, as we do have a good relationship and I will be ruining our childrens lives. I told him that the only thing that would stop me is if he went to anger management therapy. He said that he would only do that if a marriage counsellor said he should go. In short, he doesn't think he has a problem and his behaviour is reasonable. So we are at a stalemate. I have a meeting with a divorce lawyer tomorrow, costing £100, and it really feels like this will be the beginning of the end.

Anyway, today I met up with a good friend who is so lovely. I told her what is going on, and she floored me as she told me her story. She is in an abusive relationship whereby her husband doesn't just throw things, he hits her. The story made my DH seem so so much better. And this friend has been with her husband for ten years and is not seriously considering leaving him.

So it got me thinking, am I being too rash? He is a good father, but he doesn't seem too bothered about displaying his anger in front of the children. At the moment, I can distract my three year old, but he is a sensitive boy and is starting to pick up on it. DH is a good father, but it the image of him shouting at me and throwing things around the room that makes me think that I should not be subjecting my children to this. Then I get worried about ruining the family unit, and I just go around in circles.

I would so appreciate your thoughts and advise. For those who have divorced, were you 100% behind it? Or did you have times when you got a sick feeling that maybe you were making a mountain out if a molehill and should give it another chance.

Sorry so long and thanks so much

You need to get a copy of Lundy Bancroft's "Why do they do that?" and read it URGENTLY. You might well recognise your husband in there. Read the EA threads on here too. You do not have to put up with that behaviour in a marriage. Regarding his comments re your dcs, this is the male role model they are learning from. You need to decide if this is the upbringing you want for them.

I don't know if divorce is right for you - only you can decide that - but Lundy's book will help you make a more informed decision, regardless of what your ultimate choice is. Good luck.

I think you should go with what's right for you, and don't compare you life with other people. The grass is always greener ( or less greener in this case) on the other side. Only stay in the marriage if you think it is right. Your dh can still be a good father not in the marriage, and you can still have a family unit without him.

Think about it like this.

He's throwing things now.
Soon he may well be hitting you. Do you want to put yourself in that position where you are too scared to live and you are your friend?

That he said that you are being ridiculous is a red flag by itself.

to leave!

You wouldn't want to be married to her husband. And you don't want to be married to yours. If you want to be married, you want a kind, mature man who is in control of his temper. Surely? Don't compare. You will hear horror stories when you divorce as divorcees tend to flock together. Stay true to your feelings, acknowledge them and go forward with courage. Good luck.

I agree that "why do they do that?" is a great book! I read it myself and realized that the relationship I am in is sometimes emotional abusive but never physical and it's still wrong. I'd say, if you think you can work it out, go to marriage counselor and detail everything he's done and DO NOT let him downplay it at all, speak privately if you need to. Then let that marriage counselor tell him he needs anger management. If he doesn't go or rebuffs it as not accurate and tries to play off as if you're over-exaggerating then LEAVE. Your DC's peace of mind is way more important then pandering to his temper.

I had a controlling, angry and emotionally abusive husband, but he was never as bad as yours. Do I regret divorcing him? NO.

He was setting an appalling example to the DCs and my Dd was at an age where despite my attempts to hide his behaviour she was working it out herself and becoming anxious. She was 4 and my DS was 1. Also there was no way on this earth I wanted my DD to think she should have to put up with that behaviour from her future partner, or for my son to behave that way towards women.

My husband was never, ever going to change or admit a problem. I couldn't risk it, so I left. I can honestly say that I have never been happier.

Ultimately the question is this: do you want your children to grow up in a violent home?

For me, that is the last thing I would want.

What do you think? You know it's happening already. You know it's affecting your children already.

You could even say, go for your husband's sake, so that he doesn't end up in prison. End the relationship before it gets to the point of no return.

My father was like your Dh. He clenched his teeth, threw things around, hissed at us children and hit us with a belt. He got progressively worse. It damaged me no end.

I went on to have similarly abusive relationships. I had a temper problem. I had depression. I was weird tbh.

I have cut contact with all my family now. And I'm thriving.

Ironically, I have no respect for my mother as she stayed with him and did nothing to help us.

My father's stalking me now with constant texts. I don't give a fig as I got myself and my head and heart out of that toxic environment.

Get rid of your husband.

I would so appreciate your thoughts and advise. For those who have divorced, were you 100% behind it? Or did you have times when you got a sick feeling that maybe you were making a mountain out if a molehill and should give it another chance

I spent 7 years blithering about wanting to leave but never feeling '100% behind it'. Eventually I did divorce and it is the most liberating and utterly fabulous thing I ever did. Being in an abusive relationship, you can lose all sense of self and ability to make decisions for your own good.

Your H is not a good father. That is an excuse. It is not good for children to see abuse and violence. That will damage you and them. Your H has no reason to change and probably doesn't want to. Just because a friend's H is worse does not make your situation acceptable. Your H is violent and abusive and what happens if it escalates? As the children get bigger and challenge boundaries? Would you ever forgive yourself?

Haven't read the book others have mentioned, but I wanted to add that afaiac this is not about anger/temper, this is about control. In your OP you say 'he picks me up on everything' and I seriously doubt that he pours drinks over work colleagues/other family members. This behaviour is emotional abuse and his way of saying 'if you don't do things my way, look what I'm capable of.' Similar to previous posters, I would have concerns this will escalate

I think any counselling should be approached with caution, and that it wouldn't be appropriate for you and your dh to attend together. This is about his behaviour, not yours.

IF you really want to go down that route, be prepared. My husband has walked out on on us, emptied the bank account, I'm entitled to no financial help. About to lose where we're living, have no family at all, only friends, living day to day by selling our belongings. Be prepared. It's terrible enough being abandoned but when you're faced with financial abuse of having literally no money at all, it's the saddest situation.

Thank you all so much,

I met a solicitor this morning. Indescribably useful. He said that based on What I told him, he could get an injunction because it IS domestic abuse. I don't want an injunction, but good to know in the future.

He gave me so much information, I feel so much more empowered. The first thing I need to do is find out more about our finances and try to keep a level head.

I have sent him a message, if he gets help, arranges himself and goes to regularly, I will give him a chance. Otherwise, I am going down this route of divorce.

Thank you

Where is it you want him to go to regularly?

How has he responded to your message?

I think him throwing things over you is pretty horrific already to be honest- he wouldn't do that to friends or other family presumably. It's degrading.

What if you wait thinking 'it could be worse' and next time it's a cup of tea.

The fact that your friend is staying with her husband says more about her mental state (and how messed up she must be) than it does about the state of your own marriage.

My ExDH would not sound as bad as yours on paper. Do I think it is healthier for our DD that we have parted - yes. Am I happier without him? A thousand times YES!