I go through phases of bringing them close to me and kind of end up a bit introverted and bumbling along without them, loosing confidence to invite them round.
As my village sometimes has the dynamics of a playground albeit a playground of nice people, there's no negativity or anything but the small village has lots of gatherings and bbqs it makes me reflect that I am the odd one out, I am not able to keep a friendship burning, I either see too much of people or none at all. It's awkward because everyone round here has kids and I don't so if I want to see people I have to arrange it and at the moment I feel vulnerable if I do this.
My way of being in groups is to be kind of witty/crude or too deep getting stuck in long serious conversations instead of just having a laugh (defence mechanism)
I've kind of lost my social mojo. :(
I did go through a stage of not being like this at all, brimming with confidence and feeling that I am worth sharing myself andpeople would enjoy being around me just for me but now I feel like everyone in the village has been good friends for many years and I feel disconnected from people.
Even when I'm around these people who are very welcoming, kind and lovely I feel guilty for suddenly blowing cold with them, I dont know how to manage living in such a sociable place hmm.
I had a massive bbq for my birthday in my back yard and was so insecure about it that I had a shit time I think people were bored, I didn't organise the food properly because I tried to do it all on my own without asking for help.
I hate being this awkward person, I didn't used to be I just want myself back :(