Advice re Ex Boyfriend

[tippexqueen]

My ex Boyfriend and I split up about six months ago following a 2 year relationship. I instigated the split because I got scared that it wasnt going anywhere and he wasn't making the right noises. I did put a lot of pressure on him at the time. We both in our 30's. It wasn't an acrimonious split - we were both devestated.

Since then we've had very limited, but friendly contact. We were going to meet up a couple of months ago (arranged by me) but I got scared last minute that I was going to find it too hard, so I cancelled it.

I decided that I would call him last night as I keep worrying that I am going to bump into him in town, maybe with a new girlfriend. I thought I would just break the ice and perhaps get some closure or something.

I'm more confused than ever now. We spoke for ages on the phone, it was a lovely chat and very emotionally open. He said he had found it hard, still thought about me, had pictures of us up, hadnt moved on with anyone else. We are going to meet for coffee at the weekend, and I am feeling very anxious about it now. Deep down I know he is unlikely to want to get back together because of the reasons why we split, but I'm finding it really hard not to hope we could give it another go, and that the emotional connection we have will somehow mean it all works out..

I would like to meet him - I genuinely like the guy. He's not a bad person. How can I protect myself in this?

I think you need to consider that you are the one messing him around and that you dont really need protecting?

sorry but you put him under pressure, then dumped him, then arranged to meet up, then cancelled, then rang him up and had an emotional chat

either let him go or stop dicking about maybe?

I would say the same if the sexes were reversed too

I agree with Notyamamma.

Thanks NotYoMomma. I understand it might look that way, but I have tried to evaluate my behaviour.

I didnt 'dump him'. We both knew the relationship was struggling - we talked about it a lot - I just instigated the final conversation. And as I said our split wasnt acrimonious - so he didnt feel dumped either and has always said to call him any time. I wanted to wait until I was ready to call him with genuine motivations, rather than ulterior, because I have strugged to get over him. He totally understood when I said I wasn't ready to meet last time.

Oh I don't know now. Maybe I am? I'm not doing it deliberately. I genuinely wanted to get to a place where we could be friendly. I wasn't expecting him to be emotional on the phone at all.

I've felt so conflicted since ending this relationship I dont know where I am with it anymore. My head's saying one thing, my heart's saying another and I don't know which direction to go in

See what happens when you meet up, there's nothing to stop you trying again if that's what you both want. What was it he did that made you feel he wasn't that committed?

He just never knew what he wanted, which I found really upsetting and disheartening.

well I dont know what you want either, iif you actually want to be with him, or if you dont want to be upset if someone else ends up with him iyswim?

Splitting up with him may not have made it easier for him to think about the future, but may have made it more confusing. It's the risk you take when you do this. I think you have really hurt him and that he felt 'dumped'. He may still like you but that does not mean that you can't just walk back into his life full-time. If you both want this to work it will both take commitment and honesty. He still hasn't offered you anything extra than you wanted last time remember. If he does end up with someone else its because he did not know where he stands with you. All happiness to you both though.

I was in a similar position 3 years ago, had split with my DP 6 months prior because we both wanted different things (I wanted us to live together, he didn't). Missed him like mad, posted on here about missing him, was advised to leave it well alone... I ignored that advice we met up, still had feelings for each other. He still didn't know what he wanted so I walked away. He then got back in touch a few weeks later and asked me to move in with him which I did. He asked to marry me in June and we are now getting married next year and trying for children too.

The time apart eventually made him realise that he did want commitment and a future with me.

I think you need to speak to your ex and be clear and honest with one another about what you both want. Did he make you happy? Can you make each other happy in the future? Do you both want the same things?

Open and honest dialogue is the key. And then don't be afraid to walk away if you both want different things.

I agree that he probably felt dumped, from what you said.

He's not likely to suddenly know what he wants, if you keep contacting him and not knowing what you want yourself.

Do both of you a favour and let go.