How does your OH show they appreciate you?

[BringOn2014]

Hoping you can help me and my DH. I dont know if my expectations are too high or if my DH is just clueless.. I dont mean that in a horrible way but that he has only had 1 LTR before ours and it didnt get to moving in or anything so maybe just doesnt know how to do this stuff?
My DH has a good heart and I know he loves me but I feel unappreciated. Its hard to explain but I feel like he could be showing appreciation with little things, ie making me a cup of tea without me asking.
I think I do this kind of stuff for him.
What does your OH do for you to show their appreciation and what do you do for them?
DH and I will read through this later and hopefully see if we can both improve things.

Mine doesn't particularly make any 'extra' effort to show his appreciation (doesn't do flowers, valentines etc) but he is willing to cook whenever required, takes the boys out both Saturday and Sunday to give me a break, will do the washing and shopping when I don't have time. So in summary, I'm happy with this setup as I don't particularly make extra efforts for him either. Although I would be particularly irritated if I did and it was all one way. Stop making the cups of tea and sit down with a bar of chocolate instead

Have you explained to your DH what you would like him to do? I find that I have to be really clear with DH if I have a problem with his behaviour.

I feel appreciated when DH shows a genuine concern for me. Some of the ways He expresses this is by asking me about my day, caring about my work, listening to me discuss my work and offer insightful and constructive feedback. Basically sharing my concerns and partaking in my life.

It's hard to explain but my dh just notices things. For example if I am particularly tired he will make dinner and tidy up (we normally do one or the other each). He offers to run me a bath after a stressful day and makes me up a hot water bottle for period pain. He also rings me during the day to check that I and the kids are ok as they are a nightmare at the moment.

My partner and I take it in turns to make the morning coffee.
He is fair about making dinner and then washing up, not just on the odd occasion either.
Sometimes he tells me things like the future is really bright for me, I am an amazing professional at my job, he congratulates me for things I have done etc.
He always hugs and kisses and rings often etc.
He buys me little gifts sometimes.
He invites me to all of his gigs and gets upset if I can't go or don't fancy going. last week he was recording somewhere famous and rang me in facetime to show me round and say hi to the people in the studio! I was in bed at the time!!
He brings me things like pudding etc.

Don't get me wrong, he can be grumpy at times but on the whole he is fair and I do feel very loved.

Brings me a cup of tea without being asked.
Cuddles me and kisses my neck if I'm washing up/baking.
Tells me I've done well at things.
Brings the cat to me or lets me have the dogs on the bed when I'm ill.

Sometimes he's a right grumpy old moaner, but I wouldn't swap him.

Have you heard of 'love languages', OP? They're a tool for better understanding what makes a person feel loved and how they express love and appreciation. Most times, your partner will have a different love language to you and while they are showing you their appreciation in their love language, it sometimes misses the mark because it's not your love language. The LLs are;

• Quality time: values spending time together alone, doing joint activities, talking about big or little things, sharing experiences
• Physical affection; likes to give an receive affection, hugs, handholding, massage, sex, play-fighting etc
• Words of encouragement - appreciates verbal encouragement, "you did such a great job at that", "you look amazing", "thanks so much for your help"
• Gifts; can be any size or value, not just big things! could be a special find from the supermarket, a doodle on a piece of paper, flowers, a DVD
• Acts of service; likes doing things for people - filling up the car with petrol, making a cuppa, running a bath.

So, DH's LL is acts of service - he is amazing at tidying the house, doing the washing up, decorating, brings me cups of tea because he feels loved when people do that for him so that's how he shows that he loves me. But my LL is gifts - I appreciate all that stuff, but I would love it if he bought me flowers or a DVD or something funny from the shops!

So I'm learning to 1) recognise DH's LL and remember that he may not buy me very much but is incredible with practical things and that's how he shows me he values me and 2) try to speak DH's LL a bit more and keep the house tidy rather than buy him something he really doesn't care about! Hopefully if you both can do that then you will be able to understand each other better and show each other your appreciation in a way the other person will understand

Sorry for the essay! And it's great that both of you will be reading through the replies - it shows he really wants to make the effort.

Do you mean how does he show appreciation, or affection, or both? When I first read your OP, I thought of the things DH does that show his affection (cuddles, kisses, compliments, doing random stuff for me, puts lots of thought into things l'd like to do) but I can't really think of anything he does specifically because he appreciates the contribution I make to our lives, or gives me recognition for things....Maybe I'm overanalysing it! I don't feel like I need recognition or appreciation, because we both just get on with it and do what needs to be done. But affection is essential. We do say thank you to each other for doing stuff though.

Mine doesn't do anything in particular to show he appreciates me, but he does pull his weight around the house - but that's ecause things need doing, not as a favour to me. It's his house, too. We make each other cuppas, sometimes, but then I used to make them for flatmates when i was a student or people I worked with. It's just courtesy, regardless of intimate status.

Did he live on his own, before you got together?

Dh does everything on the love languaged list. Dont know why someone would only have 1? Mostly he just always shows me that he loves me and is thinking of me.

cheeseandchive that list is really interesting. I was going to post and say my husband doesn't do anything, I just know I'm appreciated, but upon reading your list I can see that he shows it by his love of (our sparse) quality time, and I show it by acts of service.

I don't get cups of tea because DP doesn't drink tea so he doeant think to make it, but he will bring me a surprise back from the shop if he's going, and he got tea and coffee in for me when I visited even though he doesnt drink them. YY to runninga bath/telling me to go and have a lie down if I look tired, stepping in with DS when i get stressed, and we share housework equally without me having to micromanage (he probably thinks about it more than me) Sometimes we leave little notes on the computer for each other. He always calls me when drunk to say he lufffffs me. Little cuddles, kisses, affection in general. He turned up at my house from abroad for a week to surprise me for my birthday - that was probably Tue grndest gesture! Always supportive &encouragijg too.

Pretty much everyone has more than one, petey, it's just that most people have a tendency to gravitate towards a particular way (or ways) of showing affection.

Glad you find it interesting, world, it definitely helps me remember to do the stuff around the house that I couldn't care less about but that really matters to DH!

I wouldnt say I have one at different times I do a bit of this, and other times a bit of that.

Yes, I was gong to say...He doesn't, I just know! but when I'm ill he steps up massively, he does the shopping, washing up etc. Brings me a cuppa without asking.

Tha;s about it really, but he's just not that sort of bloke, and I don't mind as I know he appreciates me.

Ok well for me, albeit a bit of a cliché, it's the little things that count the most. My DP will take me out for a really nice, expensive meal, or buy me something really nice, which she knows I really wanted and it's lovely, but if I'm being completely honest, that morning cup of coffee which she always makes me and brings me in bed, or the bath she runs me, without me asking, when I'm stressed out, means a lot more and makes me feel very appreciated and special. Some would argue it's because I'm with a woman now, instead of a man and women are maybe better at this, but all my other ex's were men and they were all different. My last ex who I was with for nearly 10 years would very occasionally and I mean very occasionally, make grand gestures , but it didn't used to mean much, because the rest of the time he didn't really show me any.

It's so important to make our loved ones realise just how much we actually do love and appreciate them. We all show this in different ways and that's only natural, but the main thing is we do show it and not just once or twice a year, but on a daily basis.

I get a cup of tea every morning, even at weekends, and he warms the cup so that it stays warm longer because I can still be asleep.

He tells me he appreciates me, even over the little things. I tell him the same. He works very hard for our family and I think its a two way street. You have to show each other appreciation because resentment can set in.

He makes me my coffee in the morning, gives me lots of cuddles and kisses. Picks things up at the shops on his way home as a little treat for me. Does jobs that are on my list to do but I've been putting off. If he's away he will get me something lovely and thoughtful.
I know he loves me, he takes care of me and is thoughtful and considerate, just as I am of him.

Learn what your OH appreciates, and do it.

What it is depends on your OH. Might be words, might be deeds. Might be jobs around the house, might be anything.

Bit of trial and error but if you always think of OH, it can come quite naturally. Always think of them, I think that's the key.

(oh, and if your OH does something you appreciate, tell them. that's where we went wrong for a bit, but we're getting it back on track )