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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wibu? Dp thinks I was

17 replies

gingerbreadshoes · 07/08/2013 11:59

Bit of backround, dp had ea early part of the year, not sure exactly how long for but found out just after he told me he was no longer in love with me. I posted here at the time and said we were going to try again and he was to cut all contact with ow etc which as far as I'm aware he did.

Fast forward to now and things aren't great between us, we have a ds but we don't spend time together really as if we are both at home he wants us to do housework instead of going out etc.

He asked if I minded him going to an event this weekend so I said it was fine ad nothing else planned. He has been before with friends so I asked who was going this time. He named a couple of friends but said he would be sitting alone as they had already got their tickets.

Now if he had left it at that it would have been fine but he went on to say the tickets came from their friend who lives in the same area and works for event holders. This started to make me feel uneasy as no names were mentioned and I believe ow to live near to them and also work for the event. He went on further to say 'you know the one that was at the party (I haven't been to any parties with them this year as he goes when I am away) they looked after her dog recently'

This may not sound much but for some reason the way he was being cagey about a name and the fact I thought this information matched ow I asked him for a name as I wasn't stupid. He couldn't remember name and questioned why I wanted to know so I said I felt I couldn't trust him (due to being cagey).

He then showed me text inviting him and their name was mentioned and it wasn't ow.

Now dp is walking around as though he is the injured party because I said I didn't trust him. This is the first time I have felt that way but the way he was speaking brought it all back as when questioned about ow before I knew he glossed over any details.

So wibu please?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 07/08/2013 12:02

No you weren't. He had an emotional affair, he has to expect that you will question things like this.

Ask what exactly he thought the fall out from his EA to be, or whether he was expecting you to just forget it and pretend it never happened.

I would be wondering why he is so cagey now though, if she isnt involved.......

Original poster

gingerbreadshoes · 07/08/2013 12:19

Thank you I'm glad I'm not going mad as he has made me doubt my reaction.

His ea is never mentioned it is treated as though it never happened by him because in his eyes he did as he was asked (ending contact) therefore the whole thing is now null and void.

As I said this is the first time I have had the horrible worrying feeling in the pit of my stomach. He regularly goes out each week 3 or 4 times so I do trust him to some extent as I take him at his word when he says where he is going.

OP posts:

Ahhhcrap · 07/08/2013 12:31

Yanbu, my DH had an ea over 3 years ago, and on occasions we have similar conversations where he has to explain if my flags are up...

He has to mtfu and expect to do this for you... He's ultimately in the wrong

MumnGran · 07/08/2013 12:38

Would hate to guess anything here, but would say that ime the over-reaction to your question may be covering up. It would ring an alarm bell for me. The OW may not be the 'friend' in question for the event, but he hasn't said she won't be there.
The over explanation and hedging around the event raised a concern for you. Instinct is often a reliable thing..
The number of times he is going out alone during the week,are another alarm bell for me.

My own experiences colour my view, but I would be doing some serious looking at his behaviour because I would guess he is hiding a lot.
Sorry, OP

Original poster

gingerbreadshoes · 07/08/2013 13:25

I have to say MumnGran it was odd the way he was telling me about it as it was in such a roundabout way which is why I started to feel a bit odd. If he had said x's friend y has given them tickets as a thank you for having her dog that would have been enough and part of a normal conversation.

Last time I asked him who someone was he glossed over it totally and it turned out later on it was the ow which is why I was wary again as no names mentioned.

He doesn't believe he is in the wrong for the EA as I have to take some responsibility for the problems (which I wasn't aware of) in our relationship.

This is fine and something I can do now I know but I musn't bring it up with him or I am accused of going on at him and never letting it drop always reminding him of what he did.

His going out isn't a problem as they are organised things but if I'm away, couple of times a month, he is straight round to their mutual friend. If I am here we don't get invited and I have only been once this year.

OP posts:

MumnGran · 07/08/2013 14:56

I would just say listen to your instincts.
The "organised things" which my XH attended (Badminton club etc) were a complete cover for his last affair. In fact the whole bloody Badminton Club knew he was sleeping with her long before I did, and they actually went on the Club organised "Away Tour" together!

Forgive me. For some odd reason I have a deeply suspicious mind and beggar all trust these days!!

Jan45 · 07/08/2013 15:03

And where is it he goes 3 or 4 times a week?

Jan45 · 07/08/2013 15:04

He doesn't believe he was in the wrong re the EA as you have to take responsibility - are you sure the EA isn't still going on?

ClassyAsALannister · 07/08/2013 15:08

Ahhh now it makes sense.

He's not actually sorry really is he? You are not to blame at all for the EA. It was his choice.

He's not sounding great. What do you get out of all this?

skyeskyeskye · 07/08/2013 15:09

I agree with MumnGran . Instincts are usually right.

And your H should understand your reasons and be ready to reassure you. He is right that it needs to be let go of at some point but this is still early days! And you have a right to feel like it. An over complicated story using thirty words when ten will do sounds like a cover up.

My XH used to hide stuff because I would "get mad about it". No, what I got mad about was debt being hidden from me! So a guilty conscience one way or another. Even if innocent and he thinks she might be there and it will upset you, then he is covering it up so you don't "get mad" rather than come clean and upset you.

What I'm trying to say badly is benefit of the doubt, hiding the situation to avoid upset but making it worse?

ClassyAsALannister · 07/08/2013 15:10

If he understood the extent of what he'd done and was truly sorry then he'd expect you to occasionally have a trust issue, especially when he;s being cagey.

To be honest, I'd expect it to happen again or for him to have a full affair with that attitude. Sorry

hellsbellsmelons · 07/08/2013 15:13

He goes out 3-4 times a week?
Where? And with who?
I'm sorry but I'm with mumngran
I think it's still going on and I don't think it's just emotional.
And...
I have to take some responsibility for the problems
Why do you?
Did you have an EA?

No you didn't. HE did. End of.
If you want to bring it up then you do so.
That's the price he has to pay for being a total cock!
If you gut is telling you something - listen to it.

Original poster

gingerbreadshoes · 07/08/2013 19:06

I don't want to say exactly where he goes but two are forms of exercise, one is a seasonal thing and the other is a group activity.

I don't believe he is sorry because he blames his unhappiness on me and the way I do things yet doesn't realise how much free time away from ds he gets.

He didn't take well to having ds so I think this was his way of escaping as he admitted he enjoyed the attention he was getting from her. She also had a dp at the time who she was having problems with so he justified it by saying they helped each other by giving advice.

I'm not sure what I get any more and it is becoming more and more apparent that he is there only for ds.

I don't want to move out of my home and when we talked about splitting up he said he wouldn't leave either.

As an extra thing to add to my re-awakened suspicious mind he has mentioned in conversation to a member of my family that he would like to get our house valued but funnily enough hasn't told me . Although he must know I would be told so it could be above board

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 08/08/2013 00:33

If you sold your house, would there be enough equity for you both to have homes?

Original poster

gingerbreadshoes · 08/08/2013 06:54

No we haven't had the house long enough to have much equity in it by the time the mortgage was paid off. We would have enough to each rent somewhere with the money.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 08/08/2013 07:09

How many nights s week do you go out? He sounds horrible op, you deserve better

Original poster

gingerbreadshoes · 08/08/2013 08:13

I don't go out during the week I tend to go out for a couple of hours on a Saturday for a wander around the shops.

I don't have as much disposable income as him so there is no way I could match his hobbies. The money thing is slowly being resolved slightly though.

It's not a problem for me not going out as I put ds to bed but what I do resent is if he has ds I am expected to use the time to do housework despite the many hours he spends outside of our home.

This causes the most arguments which is why he would then rather spend an afternoon doing housework instead of taking ds for a walk with me. Again this eats into free time that we could spend as a family without taking away any of his other free time iyswim.

Now seeing this written down I can see that as he has already had x number of hours doing exactly what he wants then spending a weekend afternoon doing jobs is not a hardship to him. Whereas if I have had 2 hours away from ds (not including work hours) then I want to spend my weekends doing nice things together and fit the jobs in as and when.

OP posts:

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