How to help a partner with depression who won't help themselves... help!

[BlitheringIdiot]

Hello folks- very much in need of some wise words, here.

My partner and I have a toddler. It seems that ever since they were born, he has been suffering from depression, or something like it. Initially we thought he might have sleep apnoea; I got him to see the GP after some months of trying, and he got a referral to a sleep clinic.

We then moved, and I think that he didn't pursue the referral. He joined a gym to try to improve his energy levels, and did seem to feel some benefit from it, as well as from a change to a healthier diet. He complains of a great deal of work stress: it seems to me that he is very good at his job, but he feels overwhelmed at times. His answer seems to be to rely on sugar for energy, and so it wasn't long before he started stashing biscuits about the place, and began smoking again in secret. He stopped going to the gym (a very expensive membership, which we could barely afford).

He plays online games almost every night- and this is his only interest. He is still asleep now (nearly 9.30 0n a Wednesday). He should have logged in to work by now.

He is a good, kind, funny person. I want to keep being patient, but this is really starting to do my head in, to the extent I feel it's my fault somehow. He says that our child stresses him out, but I do almost all of the child care, not to mention everything around the house.

Part of the issue for me is, I was treated for Postnatal depression and have a history of depression prior to that. I am on medication, have had a course of counselling and feel like I fight constantly to keep on top of things, improve my mental and physical health, and care for our child as well as I can. Perhaps that's why I am constantly busy- always starting new projects, making stuff, exercising- whatever. I am up early every day and feel like I don't stop til late the evening. I know that comes with the territory, but it's really starting to get to me that I can be literally ready to drop, having been up since 5 or so, and he will take himself off for a nap in the afternoon after getting up at 10.

I am starting to lose respect for him: I know he's ill, but I don't deal with 'laziness' at all well. My father suffered from Bipolar disorder and was very ill a few times when I was growing up, so I have some awareness of what serious depression is like- but my father dealt with it very differently.

Am I being a cow? Should I just lose my temper with him? I feel as though all I do is try to nudge him in the right direction, and though he's been to the GP, all he got was a referral to some self help website which he seemed to think had some useful stuff- but I see no change in him. He seems very reluctant to try medication, and is negative about most things I suggest, like starting at the gym again or taking up old interests again that involve leaving the house and meeting people(!).

Sorry for the length of this. I'd be really grateful for any advice- thanks in advance.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

One thing that really pops out at me is, YOU struggle with depression and yet you seem to be able to take responsibility for your life, and your child, doing things to keep yourself engaged and busy, exercising etc. Why is it so impossible for him to do the same? He does sound very lazy, even if he is ill. I would start to feel resentful too if I were you.

I wouldn't "lose my temper" at him, although I can understand the temptation! A clear, calm, honest talk about how you are feeling too, and doing all the housework and childcare(!!) and the fact that he needs to make small steps towards feeling better and lightening your load would probably be a good start maybe?...as would turning off the bloody computer at night. Computers and sugar are the antithesis to getting better IME.

Why can't he go for some counselling?

You have a child together. Ill or not he needs to take some responsibility for his own mental health.

Does he do no childcare at all?

Short answer; you can't and you shouldn't try, you'll just make yourself responsible for him/his mood.

It isn't depression, it is that as well as feeling depressed he feels entitled to abdicate his responsibilities. Having depression yourself you, I'm sure understand the difference.

He needs to be expected to step up and contribute equally. That involves taking responsibility for his own life including his work, his family and his health.

If he won't you need to choose if you want to continue living with him.

Thanks very much, these are very helpful replies. On phone now, which am v bad at so can't write much right now... Sorry.

He does a few hours over the weekend: I get one lie-in and he does am afternoon, but he seems to find it a struggle often, so unless I am out, I tend to get called on.

I will ask him to give me a few minutes maybe twice a week so I can shower, and sometimes he does bathtime if I need to go out or have a lot to do, but he
begrudges it.

What gets me down is him listening to what I say, staying silent and then ignoring what I have asked for. I wanted a shower the other morning before leaving for an appointment (with toddler) but he went out with the dog and got back at the time I needed to leave.

I'm not normally a sulker, but I'm turning into one now!

Should add, child does 2 half days at nursery but I spend the time cleaning etc so not really 'me' time. Doesn't help that we have no family near.

Thanks again...

Don't fall into the trap of accepting his relationship dynamic; That you need to ask him to provide basic things which should be expected from him as a favour to you.

You are entitled to wash yourself.

You are entitled to expect that he takes equal responsibility for your family.

Can you see what I mean about the problem not being his depression or that he struggles with various things but that it is that he feels entitled to not do things he finds difficult, that he makes it harder for everyone himself included because of this, because when he does do them he is adding a struggle with you or with himself.

You have struggled and you have felt down and you have got on with it anyway.

It simply isn't on that adults with shared responsibilities get to say "I find that hard so I'm not doing it". He needs to do what you did and get on with it, learn how to cope with it, find ways to make it easier.

I suspect it won't be so much what he actually does and when (though he does sound like a slacker) but how he approaches it, his attitude and how he actually handles the actual tasks. Someone who might even do a lot of childcare or housework is still frustrating if they see those things as favours to you, don't really see themselves as responsible for doing them and as a consequence have an arsey attitude and don't complete the things adequately making more work for you, giving you the stress of managing them and then expecting credit after.

Begrudges it? so he doesn't like looking after his family?

Its funny how many wimmin' suffer terrible depression but manage to run families. just saying.

What would happen if you went away for a weekend with friends? Would he 'let' you do this? I'm sure he'd be more than capable of looking after his child on his own and stepping up. The only reason he does fuck all is because you facilitate it. He does sound a bit low but he really should be taking the initiative to sort himself out. Have you talked to him much about how you feel? What does he say?

Jacey - I suspect if the op did this she'd have to compress all her normal work into less time to ba able to get away then her h would get people in to help him, would not keep up the maintenance of the household and would therefore create a load of work for when she came back and would feel like he had done her a favour and she should be grateful. He would if he's like my dh/my friend's similar dh. It wouldn't solve the problem which is that he doesn't feel he should be responsible for the stuff they are jointly responsible for. He'd rather she did it....

Sorry op if I am projecting, this thread is close to the bone for me and I've had traumatic dental work that's making me grumpy.

Hello again- still on crap phone, but just wanted to thank you again. It's given me some food for thought.
Yesterday I think he picked up on how I was feeling and did pull himself together a bit- but I fell short of properly tackling things head on.

I think that the dynamic that OffreId describes is about right, but to me it feels like it's not 'him', really. He's channeling a grumpy adolescent for some reason, and I am facilitating it: partly because I just get on with stuff and partly because I just don't know how to tackle it well.

Bloody phone- acting up, wasn't quite finished...

My partner is, our was, the most empathic, kind and thoughtful man I've ever been with, and does still show he has it in him from time to time. I suppose I'm just fed up of waiting for him to fight. But I'm far from perfect. We need to talk.

Thank you again, I really am grateful.

Begrudging his p and child- thats not depression that's shitty behaviour. He sounds a rather useless partner anD father I'm afraid

I think he sounds like he is numbing out instead of dealing with reality head on, if he tries over-eaters anonymous he would probably benefit, stashing biscuits etc sounds like the actions of an addict.
He may be lovely and kind but you can't enable his weak behaviour for the sake of your child.

Op. Read thoroughly what offred said. This is the problem not depression.

This could have been me writing this! Virtually word for word.

I've given DH an ultimatum: he gets counselling, sorts himself out, engages in our family life, basically rediscovers the amazing man I fell in love with nine years ago, by the end of the year, or me and DS (almost 3yo) are off.

I've been so busy the last few years trying my best to keep things going and focusing on the positives, with the goal of 'making him better' because 'it's best for DS'.

After a few days stalking the boards here on MN I find myself in a new frame of mind: I refuse to model this as a 'normal' relationship to DS. It is a sham.

I don't know if DH is this way through depression, emotional immaturity, or just plain laziness. To be honest I don't really care now, I just want it fixed or I'm out of here.

DH has promised he's going to get some help and seek medical and therapeutic advice. I am going to start making my plan to leave and get a handyman in to get the house ready to sell because I'm not convinced.

I'm finally taking control and refusing to accept his shit. It is a much happier place to be!

Sorry for the hijack, just thought our stories sounded similar, good luck Blithering xxx

Hope this works!

Blithering I keep reading this. Going to print it out at work tomorrow!

Thanks Bullets, and farthing. (What you say about 'numbing' rings true- I think he has an addictive personality in some ways, hence smoking/sugar/online games.)

Bullets. That you- very helpful post. I am not ready to issue an ultimatum myself, but I am going to bear that in mind, because I am not prepared to wait forever for him to just sort it out in his own sweet time- because clearly he won't. And I don't need the stress. I wish you the best of luck, though, and well done for making the decision and taking the power back. The post you linked was excellent. Been in relationships like those in the past, but honestly, my partner is really not an arse like that. He's just been behaving like a spoiled teenager; he needs to stop it, and I really hope he sees that.

I spoke to him the other night, and told him how fed up I was of him just making decisions arbitrarily and not talking to me or listening to me- basically acting like a selfish teenager who grunts and huffs. Took myself off for an early night after telling him we need to have a serious talk this weekend. Last night, ironically, a friend was over for drink and a chat about her own issues with a partner doing some of the same things- and he was clearly aware of it. He gave her some good insights from the male perspective, but didn't excuse the behaviour and said that it really wasn't on.

This morning (my lie in of the week) I got up and he'd done housework- cleaning, tidying, folding and putting away laundry. I didn't comment at all, although he eventually mentioned it himself. seeking acknowledgement I think. I will be telling him tonight, when we talk, that he should be doing that anyway! Right, that's him home, have to go.

Thank you all- and, I promise, I am listening/reading and very grateful for all your advice.. I am NOT going to just put up and shut up- seriously.