i think I'm a narc...

[Tuppence2]

Please be gentle as realisation has hit and I'm feeling pretty fragile.
After reading a lot of the threads on here re narc parents, partners, etc, I have come to realise I am a narcissist... I have a lot of the personality traits and always turn a situation round to me.
How do I stop myself from getting worse? I have always been quite spoilt and selfish (only child to a single parent) and even now, aged 27, can still throw a tantrum worthy of a toddler!
I would say I am quite a caring considerate person, and I am always helping out friends and family, but I have come to realise I always get some benefit from this, whether its conscious or not...
I just want to change from being so self centred, but I fear its so ingrained in me already, that I will be fighting a losing battle

Tuppence - can I ask you something, please? (Only because you're the only adult I've heard admit to throwing tantrums..)

What's the best way for someone else to react to you throwing a tantrum? I'm asking because my sister, unlike you, really is a narc (she'd never admit to being one) and throws tantrums whenever she doesn't get her own way, is no longer the centre of attention etc. My mother gives in to her, as she hates her 'little' daughter being upset, which seems to encourage her. I would say I couldn't care less, except that these tantrums usually centre around her assumption that I'm getting something better than her, which means that I'm the one to lose out.

So....what, in your opinion, is the best way of dealing with them? For the record the situation would never really be in my favour over her (except when it really is my choice, eg how I wanted the family group to be arranged in MY graduation photo - surprisingly, not with my sister being in pride of place!). Her demanding I'm not allowed to have a set of cheap books, which had been my mothers and which had actually been given to me years before, with her approval, when she had taken loads of furniture etc is unfair. However, she threw a tantrum and I'm supposed to give them over.

Any advice?

ooh, Rabbits, I also have tantrums - when I started going out with my dp 8 years ago he nipped them firmly in the bud by telling me outright that my behaviour was unacceptable, that he wasn't prepared to be spoken to like that, and then starving me of the attention and walking out

I'm thinking specifically of 'the night i chucked a fork in the sink in bad temper'

so starve and ignore basically - don't indulge

Thank, UHN. That agrees with my gut feeling - don't engage, ignore, and let it blow over.

Just have to persuade my mother to do the same...!

Totally forgot about coming back to this thread!
UseHerName I just took it as a joke, don't worry about it... The narc in me took it to mean you meant me! Look at us all in competition with each other now... What have I started?!
RabbitsarenotHares It all depends on the tantrum... For example DP has argued with me before but then calmed me down when I get anxious and start crying so hard that I struggle to breathe. Now, as long as he recognises the tantrum, rather than just arguing with him about something, he will stop, not acknowledge what I'm doing, and has even been known just to walk out of the house and leave me to text him 50 times and constantly call him... Only once that stops, will he get in touch or come back round to my house.
I have thrown tantrums with my mum for so many years, that it's hard for her to not see me as a petulant child when it starts, so we end up in a war of words and bickering (we are more like sisters than mother/daughter - bicker then are best friends) Our arguments have gone as far as me being physically violent with her when I was about 12 until 15. I was the most evil I have ever known a person be. There are definitely more deep seated issues with me, that I need to get resolved, but it helps to know that being a narc isn't one of them!

I have been refered to as a narcassist although not by a professional so I just kind of brushed it off. However they may be right as I have turned out very very selfish though and I've spent most of my adult life climbing over people to get what I want and yes I'll help people but providing there's something in to for me. However as a kid even as a teenager I was the most considerate person you could ever wish to meet. It got me nowhere though. Friends used to take advantage, I wont allow anyone to take advantage again that's for sure. Physically and mentally you would not think I was the same person.
My D.D comes first without a doubt. I come second and everyone comes third. xx

Marking spot.
Seems like we are very similar Tuppence I could have written your posts

See a counsellor to sort out your anger issues . it sounds like you control your anger to an exploding point then something makes you pop. You could have narc tendencies as a true narc doesn't realise they are. You are too self aware . do you have anxiety ?

Self sabotage is not a narc trait .

spanky2 I have never thought of myself as anxious or having anxiety issues, but the more I go over my history a lot of my tantrums have become like an anxiety attack (feelings of panic, short spiky breaths to the point of making myself sick or dizzy) Judging by poster's suggestions and comments on this thread, it seems I may have more than 1 personality "disorder" (if that is the right word) which I would like to get on top of.

internationallove985 I totally get what you mean by mentally and physically being like different people. It's scary, because at one point I even thought I may be schizophrenic due the huge void between the 2 parts of me. I felt like a Jekyll and Hyde character and it scared me, as I felt powerless to stop the change between the 2 versions of "me"

SilveryMoon It's nice to not feel alone in feeling like this, though it's sad to know others do feel like this too

Hi Tuppence2. Thank you for your reply. What I actually meant was that I have totally altered physically and mentally from who/what I was as teenager.
Also I must say it must have taken you a lot of courage to open up. so, well done. xxx

internationallove985 sorry, I read that wrong.
It did take some working up to, to do, but needs must. And even if I'd posters saying I am a narc, etc, or even being snippy or whatever. I'd rather that and for me to get it all out there, than carry on keeping it all inside me

''it seems I may have more than 1 personality "disorder" (if that is the right word) which I would like to get on top of.''

I would be wary of fitting yourself into a personality disorder. It may just be that you are slightly more self-involved than the norm, which is fine, we're all different. By building up a personality disorder in your head, you are both absolving yourself from the responsibility of changing, and you are also catering to your craving for introspection and self-analysis.

Focus simply on some of the easy exercises posters above have given for learning to take more of an interest in others.

waddlecakes What I meant by that comment was that whatever my issues are, I do not slot into 1 category... I wasn't trying to diagnose myself as anything. I find that better for me in a way, because I can't then class myself as a narc or schizophrenic. If you see what I mean.
I'm definitely not using any disorder to absolve myself of the responsibility of changing... I was simply trying to get to the bottom of my issues, and in doing that people have offered their advice and suggestions, of which I am extremely grateful, and many replies have given me food for thought. But it doesn't mean I will be walking into my GP's office declaring that I have any particular disorder.

its all v interesting anyway....

It's been good to get a few perspectives on personality disorders, etc on here before I go to the GP, so I can explain my issues properly rather than just walk in and cry "I'm a narc"!