For anyone who is miserable but can't see how they can escape...

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

I haven't been on here for a while using this name, I am no longer tired of waiting for it all to change, it HAS changed.

I left my emotionally abusive husband 10 months ago.

I couldn't and wouldn't have done it without MNers who told me that staying and modelling a bad relationship for my kids was worse than having a 'failed marriage'.

They were right. The process has been awful, so difficult. Lots of pain and guilt.

But now that has mostly gone and my main emotion is regret that I didn't do it years ago... I threw many good years after the bad ones.

Anyone here who is in that awful stasis where you know you can't sort your marriage out but you can't see a way to leave either... LEAVE!!!

I am so, so much happier now, I am my own person, my own boss, rediscovering the person who was being obliterated by unhappiness and becoming bitter and cynical. I wake up in the morning and am happy happy.

And my kids are completely fine, too.

Well done you Glad you are happier now but sorry about the traumatic journey getting to this point.
Yr MN name does ring a bell actually so i may have read yr previous thread or commented on it.

I would love some advice. I've tried numerous times to fix my relationship and every time we always end up screaming at each other the next day or a couple days later and I'm so sick of him getting down on me and calling me lazy and disgusting and throwing things back in my face from years ago. We have a 5 mo together though. I do not want to break up the family and go through 'custody'. my baby just isn't ready to not see both of his parents every day.

Oh, this is brilliant to hear from you, tired!!! :)

Firebomb - to state the painfully obvious, how great is it for your baby to see both of his parents (or hear them) screaming & yelling & insulting & crying at each other?

There's a strong chance he's learning that Mummy is lazy & disgusting :(

I definitely understand that garlicagain and I am constantly getting on my DP about yelling at me or putting me down in front of the baby, even if he doesn't understand yet. He still understands negative emotion and positive emotion. It riles me up so much, to the point where I even got in his face today and told him that if didn't knock it off while the baby was in the room, he could just leave. He merely growled at me to get the fuck out of his face. I grabbed the baby and left the room with him.

I do NOT want my DS exposed to that kind of anger and resentment so early. But he loves his daddy and I couldn't bear to be away from my DS for a full day, let alone half a week as is norm for split custody which is what my DP would want. I just can't do it, he's so little, I don't want him away for that long. Even one full day seems like too much. It breaks my heart to even think about it. I'm so attached to my DS.

You wouldn't have to be away from your baby, say no you can't take him out of this house but you can come here and visit as oftern as you like.
It'll take months to go through the legal system to finalise everything which means your baby will be older, you have time to adjust and rather often the man can't be arsed to fight and just goes with what you wanted to hapen in the first place.
That's certainly been my experience anyway.

I'd say you were right if I hadn't seen my SO take his XW to court over split custody for their son. I mean...it took YEARS for him to get it. I started dating him when his son was 1.5 and I don't think he got his divorce/custody til his son was 3.5. I also dunno if he would be spiteful enough to try and use anything against me (though I guess I have plenty enough to use against him if he tried that as well). I don't want to keep him from seeing our DS, but I also do not want my baby gone. I'm alright with him taking him for a couple hours a day, but not all day and not for more than a couple hours. I'm just...clingy right now, I guess.

You're not clingy, it's perfectly normal and if it went to court tomorrow no judge would order a baby that young to be away over night or anything like that.
Try asking him to leave and suggesting he visits, maybe a bit of space will do you all good.

Well done OP :) It took me too many years but eventually I got free. I wish I could say I was really happy but I am finding it very lonely, however, it is infinitely better and I was, after all, lonely before the divorce anyway.

Firebomb Please get lots and lots of advice, see a solicitor, talk to the CAB. I am sure that as Mosman says, no judge would make your baby stay away from his mother overnight. You cannot fix a relationship on your own and it seems to me that your P has little or no respect for you. This is a very special time and you wont get it back again, do you really want to spend it being abused and bullied?

Myroom
"Im finding....
I was after all, lonely before the divorce anyway"

Accurate reflection

And the rest
"pain and guilt"
Time is an exellent doctor

Firebomb, when I asked my husband to leave due to his admission of an affair, my four children were aged 5, 3, 18months and 12weeks!! My hurt far surpassed my children's need for their father and your baby will not suffer at this young age! My exh understood the emotional bond that comes with having such a young baby and was happy to wait until I felt ready to let DC go to him for access for longer periods, so we started off gently, and he took all four children for an hour or so at a time, increasing access as they got older to full days. My son was probably a year old by this time.

As you can appreciate, having four children to raise myself, I was only too glad for the break when exh arrived for his fortnightly visit .

It's never a good time for a family to break up but your ds is young, and will see it as the norm as he gets older and with your guidance, will still grow into a normal young adult without any issues that his parents separated when he was so young.

Make the break now. I always think, happy parent = happy child.

I also remember you from Back When - am VERY pleased that you're free and happy. And thank you so much for helping others to see that making the break can be good in the long term.

Wishing you the best.

Thanks everyone for your messages of support.

I'd love to hear from anyone who posted on this thread last autumn:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1554319-How-do-you-know-for-sure-that-you-should-leave

Where are you Apty, SmallSherry, Thistlepetal, coconutter, fridakahlo, 8rubberduckies and PulledInTwo?

Would love to hear how things are going for you and if/how they have moved on.

We seem to be doing alright today...I dunno. I get so confused because we have arguments and then he'll leave to go help his friends with their cars and when he comes back, he acts like nothing has happened. Even though I'm still stinging and sour from words said previous. But he is pretty jovial today, laughing and joking with me as though we weren't just growling and sniping at each other last night (at 3:30 in the morning when the baby woke up wanting a bottle). So I am confused as to how to react. Maybe he is trying to sweep it under the rug and make another go of it?

Tired! So great to hear from you, and so fantastic that you're now in such a good place

I was one of the posters on that thread, and I PMed you - your support was invaluable to me, and you did that when things were at their worst for you - so thank you

I'll PM you to reveal my alter ego! (I'm glad you name-checked me, as I'd forgotten my old user name...)

Bravo tired!
It's so good to hear you are happier now - and that your kids are fine too..

I am so pleased to hear that it can work out- I am on the cusp of leaving but am not financially able to go yet. I can't wait to wake up in the morning happy, feeling like I can finally be the person I want to be rather than this aggressive, bitter difficult person that I'm turning into. Silly but I've just burst into tears just writing that!

Shoot I wish you strength... you will be OK. Like you I was turning into an unhappy, negative person, so unlike the real me. It's taken a little while to come out of the tunnel but I am myself again, more than ever because I am in my forties and my own boss which is something I've never been (met dh at 25).

Life is short, get out, you won't look back. Good luck, stay strong.

I've sat down at the computer this morning just thinking that there is no way out - DH has mental health issues which he denies, its getting worse, we've been married 25 years. As we both have some physical health issues too and are in massive debt we want to clear, I just cannot see how either of us can walk away; if we sold the house and paid off what we owe we'd be left with a few thousand each and our individual incomes are not enough to support ourselves and the children in two households if you see what I mean. And I don't think he'd walk away - he has this thing about "entitlement", a list in his head of what he is entitled to, and this house, my acquiescence etc are on that list.

I don't really know where I am going with this post, feel ashamed of writing it down

Notone, how about ringing Womens Aid? They can be absolutely great at getting the problem, and showing you avenues you'd stopped noticing.

The list of entitlements in his head has no validity outside his mind. There's a real world out here, whose values are authoritative - presumably, that's why he prefers to stay inside his head, but you and DC don't really live in there with him.

Also, the 'shame' you feel is his shame, not yours. Hand it back and get on with finding out what real-world values can do for your family!

Firebomb... read en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse. That is what is going on just now. Also read up about hoovering.

I hadn't thought of that garlic, I thought Women's Aid was only when you suffered physical abuse, or really serious stuff, I suppose I class my situation as very much my own fault.

Oh, Notone, everybody thinks it's their own fault :( You can just talk to Women's Aid, they're good at helping you get perspective on the situation and can provide helpful contacts.