How to forget the love of your life?

[Inlovewithex]

Hello,

I have actually created a new login in fear of being found out. I am not a first time poster and I am on MN everyday. I am so ashamed of this aspect of my life that I can't face being found out.

DH and I are happily married. He is supportive and tries his best to make me happy. Equally, I try my best to make him happy. The relationship works very well. I would say we have a mature relationship in lack of a better description.

DH knows that before I met him, I was deeply in love with my Ex.

Ex and I had an intense relationship full of laughter and passion. We were each other's first love. We lived in each other's pockets. We really really got on... Most of the time. Ex cheated on me and then begged for forgiveness. I forgave him, which was a huge step for me. However when we fought, I would bring it up. I knew it hurt him but I wanted him to hurt as much as he had hurt me. We would have made things work if it was just us. However he went to his mother for advice and she told him it would be better for us both to end things.

He broke up with me. I was in pieces. When I went to give him back his stuff, both his parents were at his place to make sure that we would not patch up. We met up many times afterwards. We both said we still loved each other. He refused to give it another go as he said it was too painful to break up the first time.

I was upset and I didn't want to end alone. DH was my rebound. We got married.

However, I still think about ex all the time. I never contact him any more as it was too painful for me. I love him so much still. He never got with anyone else afterwards and is still single now.

I just can't bear the present situation. I cry at least once a week thinking about ex, and what we had. I don't know how to cope any more.

if you don't have dc, I think you should split up with your H, give you both a chance to find MUTUAL love with a new partner. If ex is still single and interested, he'll know where to find you then.
If you have dc, no simple solutions!

I think there's a danger here that you are viewing your relationship with your ex through a soft-focus lens. Ho cheated on you - and, from reading thread after thread on here, cheaters rarely stop at one. Who knows - if you hadn't broken up you could be on here now, grief-stricken because he'd done it again. Secondly, he wasn't able to make his own decision, just did what mummy told him to - so you couldn't have relied on him being 'on your side' in the event of any future disputes. Sounds like you have a lovely man in your DH , and the makings of a good strong relationship - if you can view your past differently and put it behind you, where it belongs.

If he didn't want to break up with you, he wouldn't have. It really is that simple. Stop thinking "if it wasn't for his mother, we'd still be together." You wouldn't.

Similar experience here OP. Was in a very passionate "big" relationship from around 15-21. It was a big deal and began and ended with fireworks (with plenty more pyrotechnics in the years in between!) I adored my boyfriend, hero worshiped him and thought we would be together forever.

He left me just after my 21st birthday and I was destroyed. I got together with the first man to take an interest and was so, so sad. I was horribly depressed but so wanted to be alright. I still loved my ex deeply and even five years later would still find myself crying over him and missing him. Despite this I agreed to marry my new partner because he was nice and I wanted to make things "better".

However one day I woke up and realised this wasn't how I had to live my life. I left my fiancé and started a new life, new job etc elsewhere. I decided that I might always be sad about my ex but that I didn't have to settle for something else either as that just seemed more hollow somehow. And then out of the blue I met my now DH and it was clear that HE was the love of my life, not my ex. No one was more surprised than me. I wasn't looking for love and I never expected to find The One as I thought I'd already had it and lost it.

Your ex wasn't the love of your life or you would still be together... But it doesn't sound like your husband is the love of your life either. You must leave if you don't love him. That's the bottom line.

How sad for your DH...rebound man. Leave him for his sake. He deserves more than just being a rebounder.

I think it's a bit harsh to say the ex didn't stand up to his parents- it depends how old he was. I had a similar situation in my late teens and my ex's parents did everything they could to split us up. He was at uni though living at home, and they threatened him with withholding his grant that they had to pay in those days. They gradually tipped the balance in our relationship which was going through a bad patch and my ex ( who I spoke to years later) admitted this. It depends on the circumstances. Sometimes when we are young and immature, outsiders can force a split that we'd otherwise overcome.

OP- you need to decide if what you have now is right for you. I agree with everyone else who says that time clouds our memories and you may not find your ex quite so appealing if you had another relationship with him. If you have children you could end up destroying your family for nothing except a life as a single parent. If this is what you want, rather than being with a man who seems to be a 'compromise' then do that.

Firstly, wouldn't class someone that cheated on me as 'the love of my life'.

Also, leave your DH if you feel that way about him. It's unfair on him and obviously not what you want. You can't stay with the bloke just so you aren't 'alone'. (Well you can but it's ethically wrong and unfair on all involved).

He refused to give it another go as he said it was too painful to break up the first time.

This sounds a bit feeble don't you think? He didn't believe you could change? Because it sounds as if it was your inability to get our his cheating that was the issue all along.

How would it be any different now?

I don't go along with the once a cheat always a cheat- I assume you were both pretty young, and sometimes people make a mistake when they are very young.

But one thing that strikes me is- you say he was the love of your life, but were you the love of his?

My DH was very wise in insisting I had therapy before he'd be with me. My ex had been abusive which went (as these things so often do) hand in hand with a lot of romance and drama. Even then, it took a long time not to sometimes see DH as a bit boring.

I'm there now and I recognise the glow of love I get from DH working through a hot weekend to build us a shed as being far more real than any of the excitement at my ex's grand gestures. DH is acting for me, for us. My ex was manipulating my emotions.

It has been a tough journey and I sometimes waver. My brother just got married and has planned the most amazing honeymoon for his new wife. DH would never do that but my ex might have. But I'll talk to DH about this and he'll plan something for our next holiday. Ok it'll be less if a surprise but once I give him the idea he'll run with it.

Do you give your DH a chance to be what you want him to be OP?

You are fantasising. I'm so very sorry. You are believing in 'what might have been' not reality. I think counselling would help.

Is it really worth risking everything you have, which sounds on the tiny info given pretty damn nice, for a dream?

You could be right, I don't know. But ceasing with dh will be explosive and painful. I think you are overlooking this aspect and romanticising everything to Romeo/Juliet levels.

Go get some counselling OP. don't leave your husband yet. There's still a chance you can both make each other happy, if not counselling will help you figure that out.
Sometimes a relationship can take a piece of you that you might never get back, but it doesn't mean you can't ever be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy, your husband, your ex and yourself included.

How long ago was this OP?
Do you still see the ex? Around I mean?

I am still in love with my ex. I haven't seen him for over 2 decades. And there are still times when a song, a photo, a casual mention of something or someone from back then will have me in floods all day.

I have a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man who I have no intention or desire to leave.

The two really aren't mutually incompatible.

I went through a patch a few years ago when thanks to a mutual friend having contact with him, my skill at compartmentalising went awry for a while.

I can't honestly say what I would do or how I would feel if I did see him, but that's unlikely to happen any time soon. But I will see him again. I know that. It will be when I am ready. Which isn't yet.

Your situation sounds a little bit similar to a (male) friend of mine. He was getting married and on his wedding day his ex rang up to beg him not to. His mother took the call and didn't pass it on, telling him only a long time afterwards that the ex had rung him. He is now happily married to the ex and they have 2 children.

I think you need to look at how you feel firstly about your husband. If you husband left you, would you go and find your ex? Ask yourself that kind of question to sort out your feelings for your dh.

A man who cheats, dumps you because his mummy tells him too and allows his parents to be there to supervise the break up is not a nice man.

You current feelings have nothing to do with your ex, but with the fact that you married on the rebound.

Hello,

Thank you for all your messages. DH and I have a small DC together. He is a great dad. He is a great husband. I cannot find any fault in him. We never fight about anything. I genuinely do love him, and I know he loves me back.

Maybe my memories are a little clouded. Ex was early 20s but was very very dependent on his parents. He often went to them for advice about everything. His mother gives grief counselling to people, and is regarded well in the community.

I am being silly. Today I feel rational. It's just that sometimes I miss what I had with ex. I feel that my ex ended things badly... We broke up with him telling me that he loved me. He never apologised for having his parents there as we said goodbye.

I want to get counselling...I just don't know where to start, who to speak to. Above all, I don't want DH to know as I don't want to hurt him.

Ex and I do not speak any more by my choice. He was happy to meet up but this hurt me far too much. Then one day just after i got married I texted him and told him that I was stopping all contact with him. We have never been in touch since.

If DH was to leave me, I would be devastated. But I would not contact ex. Funnily enough after breaking up with me, he never didn't get into any relationship.

Deep in my heart, I feel that ex still loves me and I still love him. Our story is too full of what happened and what might have beens. Too much passion... I can't physically ever love anyone like I loved him. This love has hurt me far too much.

I think a lot of people who marry relatively late, well 30s plus have a relationship like the one you described. I mean a lot of people meet the one but then he wasn't IYSWIM.

I have one anyway but we are separated by about 8,000 miles. I just dream about him in my head. If I had found him again before I met DH I would have instigated a meet up even with the distance. But now we are both married. Good memories.

Sounds like you never really got closure on the whole thing. You've excused his behaviour and blamed his mum which deep down means you think he didn't want to do it.

He sounds like a bit of a wimp to be honest and probably just told you what was the easy option and crap like he still loved you because tbh it probably shut you up! (Not meant to be harsh) if he really wanted you you would have stayed together.

You seem to have put your ex on a pedestal which he didn't deserve he cheated for FFS and he kept you dangling.

If its not right with DH that's one thing but don't cloud a real relationship with a fantasy one .

I need to get a grip. Thank you for all your messages. How do I get to see a counsellor?

to be honest it's probably because it was your first love.

My 1st proper crazy loved-up young 'thing' was when I was about 18 and only lasted half a year. After 4 years I am very confident that he was a through and through bastard but it doesn't stop me occasionally remembering it through rose tinted glasses, because it was so dramatic and intense My heart still skips a beat if I accidentally bump into him but that's not love. It's just a memory of how intense it was and I'm so grateful that my current relationship is so steady and secure.

I'm sure if we had got back together it would've lasted all of 5 seconds anyway!

I'm glad you've decided to get some help with this.

You are unfairly comparing the excitement of dysfunctional first love with the "mature" relationship you have with your husband.

To be honest though the relationship doesn't sound "mature". You're crying weekly over another man, that is not mature. You are labelling a lack of excitement as mature. What it sounds is unfulfilling. I wonder if you'd even think about your ex if you weren't bored in your current relationship? I've had similar pining in the first and it's gone as soon as the real problem has been dealt with.

It's doubtful your ex is the love of your life. But you were certainly not the love of his. He cheated on you and used a feeble reason not to try again.

You married on the rebound because you were scared of being alone. What you need to do is work out if this is as an unsustainable foundation for a relationship as it sounds. If it is then your DH deserves the chance to be happy with someone else, as do you.

I was just having a low point. Thank you all for the support and the words of wisedom. Come to think of it, ex was not the love of my life. He was my first love - full stop.

I know I sounded a little mean about DH. I am not bored of him. I meant that we have a grown up relationship. He think things through and is not really impulsive. He makes me feel grown up.

Also with dc, I feel I always have to be responsible.

I don't miss ex but i certainly miss the younger and carefree me.

It's good that you're already starting to recognise this and unpick it. It's why I think counselling will helpfully really help you, and you and your DH can work on your relationship. Good luck.

Your ex may no longer look anything like his young self. Think flab, paunch, thinning hair. If he is not like that, he will be soon. Keep thinking that.