some advice on communication?

[Firebomb]

Me and my SO are having trouble talking to each other and the more I fall into my depression and PND the more I'm having a hard time putting into words anything that I'm feeling. I decided I wanted to write him a letter because it'd be so much easier then talking out loud when all I can do is stare at him with my mind racing when it comes time to talk. But I can't even put any words down on paper either

would it be too cheesy and unhelpful to just write down song lyrics?

How about writing down how you feel, without the intention of giving it to him at the end? Sometimes that can be too intimidating as you keep editing yourself. Or just write down random words or phrases as they come to you when you think about your situation. Don't worry about what they look like or how it will help you talk it over, that will come in it's own time.

Do you want to tell me a bit more about how you're feeling or what you're going through? I am really happy to listen and will reply where I can.

Maybe it's hard to write down because I can't even figure out how I'm feeling, myself? LOL I feel....I dunno. Like I'm drowning, I guess would be the right word. Like I keep struggling and sometimes I get above the surface, but most of the time I'm spiraling. I feel nothing and everything at the same time. I'm dizzy with emotion and numb all at once. Like...I feel so depressed that it literally makes my skin numb sometimes. I can't breath because I feel so heavy. I have no motivation or will and I would happily sleep for the rest of my life if it weren't for my 5 mo son who is the only reason I get out of bed, but I never really get out of bed until late in the afternoon. I get up to feed and change him and he usually naps and plays in his crib most mornings anyway cause that is where he is most comfortable, even when my SO is home and awake, my LO just really likes his crib lol.

Then the rest of the day I am either trying to distract myself from horrible, heavy thoughts by throwing myself into playing with my son or letting him play on his own while I surf the net. I just feel...useless. I don't want to do anything and I know that's stupid as things need to get done but I just don't want to do anything. I know that makes me lazy and actually useless but I look at something that needs to be done and even the thought of getting up and doing it seems daunting and like a huge mountain that I can't climb because I just don't have the strength.

I wish I didn't exist...I'm just a shell of a person forcing myself to go through day to day but not really living.

Fire, you've done a great thing by starting to even discuss it here. It will get easier.

You are not useless. You are keeping your son alive and happy and healthy and that is the most important thing at the moment. The next most important thing is you and your mental health.

Have you spoken to anyone else about this? Your GP or Health Visitor? Hopefully someone will be along soon who can offer you some better advice on PND than I can.

Show him this thread? And speak to your HV, just say what you did above as it more eloquently expresses how I felt after dd2 then I ever managed to put it

I spoke to a therapist once, before my son was even born, and I ended up locked in a mental health facility for a week. I do not want that to happen again. I couldn't bear to be away from my son for that long. It would literally kill me.

I just can't talk to my SO face to face right now until we sort out everything we're arguing about, because he keeps bringing up things from long ago to throw back in my face, just to show me everything I'm doing wrong and how I'm not good enough and I'm lazy and disgusting and he shouldn't have to do anything. It just makes me want to be petty and bring up all the past shit he's done that still pisses me off to. Like how, when I was locked up in the mental health facility, he never visited me once and went on a date with my sister, who was separated from her husband at the time, while a mutual friend watched her kids. I don't think I will ever get over that.

*he shouldn't have to everything

Are you taking anything to help you with your PND? Have you seen a GP or spoken to your HV? I know its scary to discuss it with medical people but the HV should understand and get you some help.