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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how do you feel about your other half going away with the lads?

45 replies

timetofaceit · 06/08/2013 21:46

I don't know why I struggle with it but I just don't like it, never have with anyone tbh! I've never tried to stop him I've just gritted my teeth and smiled because I think its important for them to have lads time whether it be for a night out or a weekend away. Its not really a trust issue because I do trust him though there is always a slight worry probably due to past experiences. Maybe its jealously? Maybe its because I don't like him enjoying himself with other people I don't know. I know its wrong to feel like that but I can't help it. I'm just worried if it'll come between us though as my DH has a group of very good friends known since school, now in his 40's and they always done trips away together. I'm just dreading it when he says he's going to blah next time. Whats wrong with me and how do you feel about this sort of thing?

OP posts:

IDontBowlOnShabbos · 06/08/2013 23:11

It wouldn't have bothered me before we had our DD but now we do money is tight, so it probably would unless it was a big deal to him.

I can understand the envy though if you're not in a position to go away as often (or ever).

Do you get to go out with your friends just on nights out?

Things change when you have kids, some things for the better, some for the worst, it's just how life is.

Is there anyone else that can look after your child(ren) so you and dp can have a weekend away together? Or so you can go away with your mates?

LoveBeingItsABoy · 06/08/2013 23:12

@ MadeMan

Original poster

timetofaceit · 06/08/2013 23:16

Thanks guys I think this has actually helped me to work out why I have a problem with it. Probably because I don't see him as much as I'd like, so when we both have a child weekend I like to spend it with him, that'll probably change lol! A bit envious because my friends don't arrange to go away and the fact I still don't really know him and his friends that well so maybe trust a little bit though he's done nothing to make me feel I shouldn't trust him! And I basically need to get my friends together more :-)

OP posts:

HandMini · 06/08/2013 23:17

I wasn't looking to derail this thread - apologies OP.

I actually have come round to the idea (following my experience of trying organise a weekend away above) that regular activities like a swimming class / book group are the way to go for me, rather than a weekend away. Less cash outlay, easier to keep going and I think add to my overall feeling of having a life outside childcare more than an expensive one-off type activity does. Taking this approach, I don't feel put out when DP has his weekends / times away.

AnyFucker · 06/08/2013 23:21

I think it's true though that some groups of male friends are much better at this than groups of female friends. Somebody has to get bossy and organise 'em all....

Original poster

timetofaceit · 06/08/2013 23:23

yeh your right handmini I think as long as we do things for ourselves and are happy with that it makes a difference. I guess I'm a bit jealous as I don't get a lot of time to myself and quite often if I do and he;s doing something I'm home alone that's what gets to me. I do try to arrange something if I know he's away or something but sometimes your friends just aren't available for whatever reason, that's when I'm sad

OP posts:

Original poster

timetofaceit · 06/08/2013 23:25

I think its because the females are maybe the more maternal ones and look after the kids etc etc, not always but in general AF

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/08/2013 23:26

Oh, I agree with you. For our sins, that is

HandMini · 06/08/2013 23:26

I do more proper "me stuff" at home than I used to now I have lots of evenings home alone (DP works some evening / night shifts and we have small children so I can't leave the house). I do try and spend an hour or so every evening song something craft / sewing / cooking / making stuff before I succumb to Internet/TV. Lots of nights night alone doing Internet/TV gets a bit would destroying.

HandMini · 06/08/2013 23:26

soul destroying not would destroying!

AnyFucker · 06/08/2013 23:28

I think things improve as your kids get older, so there is light at the end of the tunnel

Mine are teenagers now, so there is lots more time for DH and I to do stuff together or apart

and the one "left behind" is not stuck at home (unless they want to be of course and having the choice is the key, isn't it ?)

I like my nights in and my nights out

MortifiedAdams · 06/08/2013 23:29

OP realistically you have the potential to get away every other weekend. Why not do one or two a year with your DP and maybe suggest he ask his friends and their OHs away for a weekend somewhere, a city break or similar? You may get to know some lovely people that way.

This year alone DH has been to NZ for three weeks to be Best Man for hs best friend, and a weekend camping trip. Ive had three hen weekends away and two more planned for next year. I bloody love a weekend away!

HandMini · 06/08/2013 23:29

I think its because the females are maybe the more maternal ones and look after the kids etc - yes, rightly or wrongly in the eyes of society/MN, I don't really want to leave my small children for a whole weekend away, even being cared for by their father. I know he doesn't feel the same way. Unfair perhaps, but attributable to no one but me.

Original poster

timetofaceit · 06/08/2013 23:32

yeh I know what you mean handmini, that's one of the reasons my marriage broke down too I basically NEVER saw him and that may well of effected me in this relationship. I am going to do some home study courses to add to my little business I run around the kids which I know I will enjoy, so I can do that in the evening while kids in bed etc. that'll help too BUT I need more fun outside the house that's the issue too I think !

OP posts:

HandMini · 06/08/2013 23:34

Yup, just physically escaping from the house is what's needed and is so hard for me at us stage.

This week, DP is working six night shifts so he leaves at 6.30pm. I put the girls to bed, then pace round the house wishing I could jump in the car, go for a run, even just pop to shops. It's annoying.

Original poster

timetofaceit · 06/08/2013 23:36

mortifiedadams....oh me and dp have been away a few times, its the going away on my own with others that I don't do, but that's actually a good idea going as couples and then that's how you get to know people, hmm another good idea thanks!

OP posts:

notanyanymore · 06/08/2013 23:43

I think it is a bit of a jealousy thing, I used to experience it too and it caused a right old atmosphere, dp thought I was jealous for his time when actually I was jealous for my own time!

Original poster

timetofaceit · 06/08/2013 23:47

I think its a bit of both to be honest ! :-(

OP posts:

bragmatic · 07/08/2013 02:12

He does it once or twice a year, and so do I. I love my weekends away, they're glorious! We don't get drunk and have pillow fights, we do lunch, we shop, in the winter we sit by fires and drink naice waine and talk bollox. It's fun.

Sallystyle · 07/08/2013 22:29

He doesn't. Ever.

The most he does is goes out for a few pints with his granddad to the local pub once every couple of months.

I can't imagine caring if he did. He loves it when I go out though, it's like he can't wait to get the house to himself... well when the kids are all tucked in.

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