5 Non negotiables?

[NutritiousAndDelicious]

I've been watching Millinonaire matchmaker (I know I know )

And she advised a woman to have 5 non negotiables that she looked for in a man, and if he didnt have every one of the 5, to move on!

Now I've had a few bad relationships, I've had therapy, done freedom programme, read women who love to much etc, and I feel like I'm in a good place to maybe start entertaining the idea of meeting someone after being single about a year.

So I've been thinking about having 5 non negotiables.

They are:

Glass half full attitude
Lots of sex/affection
Good/stimulating conversation
Independent - financially/emotionally
Has good family/friends

I'm not shallow looks/kids/divorced/age/money (as long as they have a job!) doesn't bother me.

But I was told at the weekend by a well meaning family member that I have been 'left on the shelf and probably won't have any more kids or get married again, so why don't you get back with XH' (I'm 24!!!!)

DS is 5.5 and desperately wants brothers and sisters and tells me to find a special friend and get married and 'get children's in my tummy' have genuinely got no idea where he got this from!! But I feel like I'm letting him down by being single (never thought I'd say that sentence )

So am I being to picky? I genuinely don't think I am, to be absolutely blunt, I am sorted for my age, I have a mortgage (on a nice house), I earn 45k a year and have an amazing support network of friends and family.
I think the problem is I've expericed a cocklodger and want to avoid that experience again! Another thing is apparently I completed 'emasculate the men in your life because your so sorted they have to put you down to feel good about themselves, just try and tone it down'

WTAF?? I work hard for everything I've got, I value my independence and have a nice life, can men really not handle this? Tbh I've never experienced one that has

Sorry this has turned into a bit of a ramble, thank you for sticking with me!

Anyway ill get to the point (I hope )

Do you think my list is to fussy?
How do I let my guard down a bit to let in the nice guys, as I think I have gone a bit to far the other way, instead of feeling sorry for twunts and wanting to make thief life better, I just think, ewwwwww go away (which is good!) but I don't seem to meeting any nice normal guys!

I hope that makes sense, it does in my head, but then I am very tired

No! Better to be single than be with someone useless. 24 is no age.

You have an amazing attitude for such a young age. Stick with it.

Don't always go for looks either. Good looking people are full of their own self importance and do not try.

Go for someone who will make you laugh. It will be much more fun!

I think that list is a minimum. You should also add 'Is a nice person'

No advice as you are further down my road I think but at 24 you are not on the shelf fgs!!! Can I ask how you have got to the point of not wanting to make twunts lives better? I am on the freedom prog etc but can still see I am drawn to those guys!

Not fussy at all.

Just keep ditching the twunts

I didnt meet DH until I was 27, so really, you have a lot of time to find someone. Dont compromise. Nothing on your list is unreasonable.

Good list but would add either nice person or not controlling/abusive or something along these lines. Just thinking that my useless twunt of a ex bil would probably have fulfilled your 5 criteria but he was a really nasty piece of work.

add in 'supports me in what I want to achieve in life, and makes me want to do the same for them'
and 'actions of love rather than words'

you are SO not being fussy. You are 24 and a damn good catch by the sound of it.

Ok will do! It's now six non negotiables

porridgecarver umm from 16 to 23, I had 3 relationships where it was me trying to fix them all the time and them not taking any responsibility for themselves.

It wasn't until I heard of practicing acceptance that it finally clicked in my head.....you have to accept someone for exactly who they are when you first meet them. Sounds simple....but to me it was eye opening

Say, now I met a guy who didnt want kids, I'd accept it and I'd walk away straight away, not wait around hoping that they will change their mind.

If I met a guy who went to the gym 7 days a week for 2 hours at a time, I'd either accept he will always be like it or walk away, I wouldn't hope one day hed stop then wish and nag for him to stop doing it 1 or 2 years down the line.

If a guy is jealous and controlling, I'd walk away straight away, I wouldn't think 'oh well when he loves me more he won't be, I just need to prove to him that he can trust me' I won't ever be able to because its his problem not mine!!

If a guy uses drugs, I'd walk away, not wait around for him to kick the habit.

I could go on and on!!! Human givens therapy and reading women who love to much helped me the most.

I also made a list of all the random little things that pissed me off/I wanted to do in my life, and am slowly doing them. It was the distraction and making myself happy that worked I think!

DS's happiness will always come first, but now mine comes a very close second, and I've never done that before, I've always come so far down the list!

Now my mantra is: I deserve to love and be loved simply because I exist.

Oh those are good thank you nettle now it's 8

On the shelf at 24! Even in Jane Austen's novel a young lady of good breeding and accomplishments (which I'm sure you are) would not be on the shelf at 24. And guess what? That was 200 sodding years ago! (As Austen would not have said).

Some men may find the fact you are an awesome and dynamic human being difficult to deal with. Shame for them. Next!

I also had: has friends he is close to, and I like.

DH understood so much about the imp of my friends/independence/social life/loyalty because he had a similar circle. Proves he is loyal, too. And you can tell a lot about someone by their friends.

Yy to funny/good humoured.

Is kind.

I saw a fantastic motto recently:

The right man will love all the things about you that the others were intimidated by.

So true it's scary (for me anyway). I also met my DH at 27 when I was having a fine old time & really not looking

You should be proud if all you've achieved and enjoy your home & independence - you're so young, don't chuck away this happy carefree time because of other people's shortsighted nonsense.

Thank you for all your replies

Oh princess I really like that!

Thank god for mumsnet! Sometimes I start to doubt my own sanity surrounded by my lot will come back to this thread when I need a pick me up!

On the shelf at 24? Ha ha ha... I come from a (backward) town where people thought like that - thank god I don't live there any more.

At 24 I had a man on each arm and another three ringing me up.

A good few of my pals didn't meet their husbands till they were in their 40s and 50s and they have wonderful men!

I would just laugh and pity anyone with this kind of mentality. You are young and you've got your whole life ahead of you - so what's the rush?

Enjoy!

relative of yours sounds conrolling, sexist and borderline abusive! tone it down so that the big important man won't be emasculated?

be yourself, stick to your list.

I think 5 is a minimum tbh, not being picky

Agree with others.

You sound very sorted. You are not on the shelf. I am (just) the wrong side of 40 and find myself single after a crappy marriage. I would love to be in your position at 24, sadly at that age I was still an arch people-pleaser with no sense of myself or my own worth.

Your list is the minimum.

If I had anything to add to it, I would say you need to avoid anyone who is negative about exes. Also just someone who makes you feel good about yourself, you can be yourself and you don't want to please.