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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL at my wedding...

19 replies

romeoromeo · 06/08/2013 19:19

I have had a great relationship with my MIL the entire time that DH and I were dating (1.5 years.) She was always very neutral, quite unconditional with her love and affection, would back off when we needed, help when we needed etc.

However, I married DH last week and three days before she seemed to change overnight. We were all staying in the same house (as we have done many times before) and three days before the wedding she just stopped speaking to me. Stopped greeting me in the morning (would just walk past me and straight to my DH, BIL and SIL and hug them and kiss them good morning.)

That day some of my friends came round and we had champagne and chocolate. MIL had bought some posh chocolates and some average chocolates for the wedding. By mistake I fed some of my friends the posh chocolates not knowing that they were the special ones, and in the middle of my time with my friends, MIL came in, shouted at me that I had ruined everything, took the chocolates off the table, shouted at one of my friends who had a chocolate still in his mouth, called him a pig and then ran out of the room crying.

I was mortified and followed her but she locked herself in her bedroom and would only allow DH in. I could hear them through the door, him saying 'what the hell happened?' and her saying 'she gave her friends the posh chocolates, she has no respect for me, she doesn't care.' DH was calming her down.

24 hours passed and she didn't speak to me. I tried to apologise but she didn't respond. DH said give her time, she's 'just stressed about the wedding' (MY wedding I might add.)

The day of the wedding came. MIL had arranged her own hairdresser and make-up artist who was ensconsed in MIL's room. MIL's bedroom is the only bedroom in the house that has a full length mirror, and I had asked MIL if I could come in and use her mirror once I was dressed.

When I approached her room after putting my wedding dress on (I had done my own hair and make-up) I knocked on the door and asked her if I could come in. I could hear her and the hairdresser talking so knew they were in there. I knocked again. I heard my MIL say "don't let her in."

I was pretty stressed at this point, so started crying and went to my DH in my wedding dress (he was not supposed to see) and told him to tell MIL to let me in the room. DH came down with me and MIL opened up. The first thing she said was that I had once again ruined everything by allowing DH to see me in my wedding dress, that my hair and make up was awful and that I needed to let her make-up artist and hairdresser do my hair and make-up.

DH said no she looks great, she doesn't need it, but MIL continued to insist, then muttered to the make-up artist that she did not know why she had spent so much money on a present for me when DH and I got engaged (a necklace) for me to not wear it on my wedding day.

Long story (sort of) short I ended up getting make up and hair done by her people and digging out her necklace and wearing it despite not wanting either arrangement. She sat in the chair in front of the full length mirror and I had to crouch on the floor in my wedding dress while she barked orders at the make-up artist doing my face.

What the f* has happened?

Is this a common scenario when you marry someone's son?

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 06/08/2013 19:23

Definitely not. Did you ask her what her problem was?!!

CookieDoughKid · 06/08/2013 19:25

What does your dh say about his mother's actions? Very rude behaviour IMO to let her rule on your wedding day. It will set the tone for the future if you're not careful.

romeoromeo · 06/08/2013 19:26

Yep and she didn't speak to me.

Yesterday she went back to normal and I brought it up. She apologised and reiterated my DH, that she was "stressed" about the wedding.

I am really hurt by it and don't know what to do. The woman didn't speak to me for 5 days!

DH is in agreement that she was "stressed" but I don't understand why she is entitled to that?!

And it makes me fear that she will go like this again...

OP posts:
Icantstopeatinglol · 06/08/2013 19:29

Omg that's disgusting behaviour from your mil! I'm not sure I would have been able to stop myself from telling her where to go!
I'd be asking your dh to have words with her immediately and find out what her problem is.
Poor you though, why are some people so selfish. It was your wedding day fgs!

Hawkmoth · 06/08/2013 19:30

Move away before you get pregnant.

Icantstopeatinglol · 06/08/2013 19:31

Sorry x post, very lame excuse though. So does that mean you can treat her like that for 5 days and it be ok?

cornypepper · 06/08/2013 19:32

That's awful Shock
What a horrible woman

98percentchocolate · 06/08/2013 19:34

That's awful! I know that people get stressed but that is ridiculous. I think you should have a chat with her to let her know how it made you feel. Don't shout or lose your temper, just calmly remind her of the things she did and how it looked to you. Ask her why. She probably has no idea quite how bad she was. (I hope anyway)

Ezio · 06/08/2013 19:35

what Hawk said, she'll be a crazy bitch once babies are involved.

TheRealFellatio · 06/08/2013 19:43

Blimey. Confused Sounds as if she has been feeling left out and undervalued in the hubbub of the wedding arrangements. Has she asked you to include her in any of the decision making and have you declined?

She was very U to expect you to wear the necklace - gifts like that should be unconditional and she can't possible expect you to choose the components of your wedding outfit just to appease her. Very spoilt behaviour indeed.

Busybusybust · 06/08/2013 19:43

No it most certainly isn't! Unless your husband is prepared to back you up right now and tell his ghastly mother that she is bang out of order, then you may as well file for divorce now.

Can you tell I'm speaking from experience? My lovely husband told her we wouldn't see her again if she behaved like that again. Yes, she did, but eventually she starte behaving herself because my husband told when she had been out or order (never when he was around, just spiteful things to me or the children) and we just didn't see her a few weeks! It stopped the nonsense?

He really needs to tell her and stop this right now. Yes, my MIL threw a complete wobbly the first time, but soon got used to it! Faced with never seeing her son again or towing the line - it was no contest for her!

DrHolmes · 06/08/2013 19:50

Poor you. If I were in your shoes I would just tone the relationship down. Now you know what she is really like.
God, that is just awful for you, especially on your wedding day. I bet you were dreading going to knock on the door etc and that is just not right at all.

Ragusa · 06/08/2013 19:58

To be honest, it sounds like there may be some mental illness going on here. Does she have any previous history?

DeeLighted · 06/08/2013 20:05

How awful for you on your wedding day. I hope the rest of the day was amazing for you.

Your DH needs to man up and tell his mother that her behaviour towards you was not acceptable and must not be repeated. Being stressed is not an excuse to treat someone so badly.

Agree with DrHolmes that you should keep her at arms length.

Vivacia · 06/08/2013 20:12

I have two thoughts, either she's very used to sulking, throwing a tantrum and getting her own way, or your wedding preparations brought to the surface a lot of unresolved issues.

Either way she was out of order and you mustn't bend over backwards to suit her next time this happens.

Your husband sounds as though he did the best he could in difficult circumstances.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 06/08/2013 20:15

She was stressed? What on earth about? No excuse.

Nellelephant · 06/08/2013 20:20

That sounds horrendous! I'm recently married so can sympathise. MIL had a bit of a meltdown long before the wedding when we were on holiday with them, ruined DH's birthday and stunned me with her behaviour. Thankfully it was (so far) a one off but it meant that I kept her at arms length on the lead up to the wedding as I didn't need that. I'm lucky in that she lives abroad.

Not only do I think that your DH needs to stand up for you but if it happens again you need to make it clear yourself that it is not acceptable. You are family now and deserve the same respect as any other family member.

FlorIxora · 06/08/2013 23:01

Did she suddenly realise that was it? You have "stolen" her baby away?

Now she's too embarrassed and ashamed to admit it?

No excuse at all to ruin such an important day. Are you lucky enough to have a honeymoon away from it all? and spend some quality time with your new husband?

IJustWoreMyTrenchcoat · 07/08/2013 01:47

What a fruitcake! I know of somebody who was having a budget wedding and her MIL spent thousands on her outfit and boasted about how it cost more than the wedding dress.

She sounds nasty and petty, you saw a bit of the real her, I would keep her at arms length from now on. The day was about you and your husband, not her.

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