Him hitting me is the final straw - very long, sorry

[Clipbo4rd]

I'm new here - waves hello - and need some help/advice, can't talk to anyone in RL.

Quite long, sorry -

H and I have been married 20 years, have two DC (12 & 10). I was brought up to believe that you stick with it, no matter what, for the sake of your DC. I'm just not sure i can anymore as I realise that H is a bully, and the final straw was a few weeks ago, when he hit me. It was only on my arm, didn't bruise, and I know is nothing compared to the abuse other women suffer. But it hurt, physically and mentally.

We do argue and always have but I've really tried to keep the peace, and can manage for a while, but then I can't . When I am keeping the peace, everything is fine, he's happy etc but I'm not.

Briefly, some of the ways he controls are by not allowing me to talk about us to anyone in RL, if we are out socially he prefers me not to drink so that I can't say anything wrong to people, if I do he kicks me under the table do I stop. If I say no to sex he will sulk and become very angry, often with the DC and entire holidays, days out, weekends etc can be ruined, so it's easier to say yes. When he asks why I don't want to more often, and I don't have a reason, he really me how rejected he feels. We don't share a bed - he has slept in the lounge for last 15 years easily - I used to wake him up and he'd come upstairs but I don't bother now. Occasionally he will sleep in bed, and pretends to the DCs that he always does, but says there's little point if he's 'not getting anything'. He thinks perhaps I'd enjoy sex a bit more if we watched porn together (I wouldn't, I really don't like it). We do have a regular sex life, and I am adventurous, because the sulking if I'm not is unbearable. If we go away just us, I want to be wined and dined and have some romance but to him it's an opportunity to do all the things we can't with DC at home (you know, whips, hand cuffs, etc). Do other H constantly want sex, even in the car/supermarket toilets/lifts etc?

I was a SAHM, and he worked so the house and garden were my responsibility - he literally did nothing. When I started part time work I struggled to keep on top of things and asked for help from him, but he just said I didn't work as many hours as him, he was useless, sorry and that was that, although he does sometimes mow the lawn and load the dishwasher. He has never done any other housework in all the years we've been together.

I will be starting a full time job soon, and his answer is to get a cleaner, then I should manage. The house is a tip to be honest, I've fallen so far behind, and have asked and asked for help to no avail - it's a mess because DC2 and I have too much stuff (his words, not mine).

He's generous with money, in fact too generous as we have a lot of debt (which I manage incidentally!). We were recently given a reasonable sum of money and had planned some home improvements and treats. I wondered where it had gone when we literally had no money for the mortgage last week, and he's spent it (not the first time this has happened).

When he is at home he sits on the sofa watching TV and/or on his phone/ipad. That's what the argument when he hit me was about - DC was talking to him and bring ignored, and I find that so upsetting for then, so I snatched his phone and said 'for gods sake, talk to him' at which point he hit me twice for taking the phone (he thought I had thrown it).

If I cook something he doesn't feel like having he won't eat it and will go out or get takeaway instead. If I'm miserable or unwell he'll tell me not to be pathetic, but he likes sympathy when he's unwell.

If I want to watch TV, he has the remote control and will fast forward when needed! He decides what time the DC go to bed, I'd like them to go earlier so I could have some evening, he goes out a lot and I'm expected to fit in with that. I don't have any social life and if I wanted to go out on a night he was out I'd have to arrange a baby sitter, even if I was going out first.

People we know wouldn't believe me if I told them what he's like - outwardly he's the life and soul, mr nice, generous etc. He's not remorseful about hitting me - 'oh ffs you're hardly a beaten wife' was his response, it was twice because he thought he'd missed first time and whenever we argue he goes on and on about me having mental health problems to the point where I don't know whether I have or not to be honest - aren't all relationships like this?

When I've suggested that we'd probably both be happier apart he just reminds me of a friend who regrets leaving,
and says I'd never have all the memories we've got and shared history, so all the nice things we've done would be invalid. And I wouldn't get better than him anyway, apparently. I am a nice person, admittedly I don't have many friends, some drifted away after he was rude, and I've never been someone that has had a big group of girl friends.

We are thinking if counselling, he'd like to go and I think he feels that when an outsider hears what I'm like (mental, mood swings etc) I will realise I need to change but I don't think it is all me. When I am pretending/acting happy little wife everything is great, we have a good time, he's happy, kids are happy but when that slips - sometimes after weeks - everything is shitty, but isn't it like that for everyone?

I just don't know what to do - my DC adore him, especially the oldest who I'm rubbish at dealing with, and I'm worried I'll ruin their lives if we separate. I wanted to about 5 years ago when he changed his mind about having a third - we'd agreed on 3 at the start, but then he decided two was all he wanted and that was that, no amount of begging on my part was going to change his mind, and I was desperate for a third (still am, too old now).

H has asked for a few months 'to change'. I just feel empty. I suppose I'm hoping people will say their H is the same and it's normal, all relationships are like this.

Thank you for reading this, sorry it's so long.

Oh, you poor thing. He is so horrible to you, in every way.

WTF, whips and handcuffs when you just want to be taken out and talked to? What you want is NORMAL. What he wants is POWER AND CONTROL with you as a slave/thing.

No wonder you feel depressed and confused. You are totally downtrodden.

Keep talking to us OP. You know this is all wrong. Now to start developing a bit of a back bone and working out who is at fault (him) and who deserves peace (you)

clipboard I know. It is horrible. it is a hard realisation to deal with.
Glad you know what must be done but do please take as long as you need to plan it safely to make sure it will succeed. That may be a day, or a week, or a few months..everyone is different and you know how your h is likely to react better than anyone
.keep your eye on your goal and MN is here to help.

try to get rl help too.

And please do come and join us on EA thread if you want to lurk or post. sometimes it helps to know you are not alone.

It does help to know I'm not alone, especially now that my blinkers are off.

It is a text book list - if I'm saying something he doesn't like he puts his hand up right in front of my face and just keeps repeating 'stop, stop' until I do, or if I want to leave the room he'll stand in the doorway, mocking me 'look at yourself, look at how your behaving'. If I raise my voice he tells me off in case the neighbours hear (even if he's shouting louder).

This is beyond saving isn't it. My oldest DC sometimes copies him, and talks to me in exactly the same way, so obviously he now thinks that it's an acceptable way to treat a woman - I hope it isn't too late for him to learn otherwise.

My H really is a 'Jekyll and Hyde' character, as he can be nice, very funny etc. I don't know how he will react when things end, I just hope he thinks of our DC and remains amicable.

I just don't know who in RL to talk to - I feel such a fool for putting up with it for so long, and for thinking everyone else's H and marriage was the same.

Thanks again for your kind thoughts and help :-)

Talk to anyone you bloody well want. In fact, the more you do the better, really - because it will make it real, and make it harder to shut away in your mind, which is what you've been doing for the last god knows how long. You may also find what you perceive as his flawless facade to the outside world is not so perfect, and people had an inkling already.

This is beyond saving isn't it

This is so far beyond saving. It was already beyond saving at 'he stops me from talking to other people whilst we're out' (and him kicking you under the table). Hitting you is just the icing on the cake - and there's more to come if you stay.

Maybe speak to Women's Aid - you will say 'oh it was only one time that he hit me' - but he's been abusing you for years.

You're not a fool, any more than I was a fool or the countless other women on here who just wanted to see the best in the people we were most intimate with, who we trusted. Don't feel bad, feel empowered that you've seen the light and can now take steps to be free of him and his controlling ways.

And yes, it is beyond saving, and if it could have been saved it should have been him who saved it. You've done your bit. And if your eldest DC is mirroring his behaviour then you really need to get out now before it gets any worse.

Does your H know you post on here? If so you might want to delete your history after posting. And keep talking to us, there are many wise women on these pages :)

Stay safe OP.

And hollow laughter at "a few months to change". My ex offered to give up his pot habit and told me that he'd fallen in love with me (we'd been together 18 months at that point ). He wasn't anything of the sort and he was back on the pot within days. I didn't understand why he stayed with me when he so clearly disliked me and resented me.

If he really wanted to change he'd be begging you to stay, offering to seek treatment for his anger problems and being the model husband. Is he?

Sadly they do all seem to go to the same school of fwittery to learn their behaviour

Cannot remember if you said you had Lundy Bancroft- if not i would recommend you buy or borrow a copy.

Blocking you by standing in the doorway was physical abuse, even before he hit you.

I expect he's been abusive for years, but it began gradually, with small things first. He sounds horrible and no wonder you feel mentally ill, living with it for so long.

Well done for seeing it now.

Your dc will be ok. They will not lose a father (well, not unless he intends it that way); they will just have a different family set-up. And you may find out that they're relieved not to have him in the house. They might not feel safe saying so at the moment.

OP, I wonder if your eldest is difficult because of the lack of consistency? I was the 'big bad wolf' to one of my dcs, as her dad would undermine me all the time. Six months on from our separation our relationship was so much better it was unbelievable.

Please leave and stop exposing yourself and your children to an abusive situation. This will never improve.

OP I'm exhausted just reading your post.

All relationships have their ups and downs but not all relationships are abusive, and yours is.

Please do seek support from specialist services who are able to discuss practical and emotional support and advice.

OP I feel so bad for you. What a bastard. Your post just left me gobsmacked at how bad things must be if you think any of that is normal. Please LEAVE and find all the support you can from MN even if you have very little in RL. Very best of luck and very best wishes.

Clipboard you haven't been stupid. He has just slowly arranged ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING to benefit him, his needs, his feelings and his conveniences - and you, your thoughts, your feelings, needs, opinions and hurt are of no importance at all, ever (and he will punish you for expressing them).

Join lots of us, all along the spectrum from cold politeness to being shouted at and hit.

What is the money situation? Have you got enough money to buy a book Lundy Bancroft - Should I Stay or Should I Go?

You will find H in there painted in bright colours and it will be a relief to you to find out it is not you, it is HIM. (It is very sad to see just how selfish they are, and how hard they fight to keep their 'benefits' in life).

Clipboard: forget trying to change him. Don't look to him for love or comfort. Take one day at a time. Come to terms with your new knowledge however sad and hurtful it is. Start saving money from the shopping. Buy expensive things in bulk, like washing powder and cleaning stuff. Make a plan.

Oh, and keep a journal. Good luck and keep talking to us. One day at a time to find yourself Clip.

Clipboard, I'm so glad you are starting to see how bad it is. When you describe him stopping you speaking, mocking you and blocking you from leaving the room it makes me shudder. it's tough when the scales are falling from your eyes, but it's good too. You have been undermined for so long, really do not feel like a fool for giving him the benefit of the doubt. Lundy Bancroft's books are life saving, it puts the blame firmly with the person who is doling out the abuse. That saved my sanity, because when one is led to believe for years it's all in one's head or being mocked for trying to voice one's opinion, it's hard to get a good grip on reality in respect to the relationship.
Don't count on him being amicable for the sake of the children. Take steps to protect yourself. Women's Aid or a local domestic abuse outreach service will help you to plan safely.

This is absolutely not normal, this is seriously abusive.

OP, how were things over the weekend?

Most relationships involve compromise but from BOTH people.
If the relationship is how you describe it i would get out. I know you want your children to be in a married family but its not a healthy relationship so all your doing is showing them how to do it wrong which could have repercussions for their relationships in the future. Leaving him now many be best for all of you.

You can have a good life without this man, you deserve better! And there is lots of lovely guys out there that will treat you right. Do not stick it out for the children - I'm sure you wouldn't want a child thinking they should put up with abuse, so nor should you. Good luck!

None of this is a normal relationship.

You are married to a man who is physically, verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive - and potentially sexually abusive too, based on what you've said.

You can talk to people in real life. He doesn't want you to because he wants to keep you under his control and he knows exactly how other people will view your situation- basically that you are vulnerable and at risk of further abuse from a violent bully.