Am I being unreasonable?? Be honest; I can take it��

[Seb101]

My partner and I are due to be married in 3 weeks. We have a great relationship overall and I love him with all my heart.
But we have an 'issue' that keeps coming up.
I work part time, but mainly look after our 1 year old daughter. She is hard work and I am often completely emotionally drained by the end of the day. I'm also without adult company for large parts of the day. When my partner gets hone I'm desperate for his attention, I feel I need communication and company. He often comes home, will eat tea, have shower, use laptop, maybe go for run or sone exercise. By the time that's all done its 9-930pm. By this time I'm shattered and just want to go to bed. ( our daughter gets up very early!!)
I would love him to come to bed; chat, have cuddles, sex etc, but he just want to sit in front of the tv till late! I have to nag and moan for him to come to bed. He'll then come to bed late and expect sex then! Obviously I'm half asleep and don't fancy it.
I just feel that 3 weeks before our wedding, we should be all loved up. He should want to come to bed and spend time with me. I love and need the closeness that comes from having that time in the evening to connect, cuddle, have sex. Not every night, but I'd love it if it happened most night!! Lol I feel I need him after the stress of the day. But he just doesn't seem to understand. He says he needs the tv time to unwind and chill out. But having that comes at the expense of 'us time' I hate the tv he watches; utter garbage, so watching tv together is no go! Plus I want him to focus on me not the tv!

Am I being stupid and unreasonable. ????
I just know that when we've talked about this in the past, he'll make an effort for a few days, and I feel amazing. My mood lifts, I feel happy. Our relationship flourishes! But then he reverts back to his old ways, and so it starts all over again. I hate to keep bringing this up with him, cause it makes me feel like I'm forcing him and he doesn't really want to! I want him to want to spend that time with me! Any advice appreciated!

You want him to go to bed at 9.30pm?

I have to say, that would be a complete no-go for me. I tire easily, but I wouldn't be able to rest at that time. It would feel like my day was just wake up - work - tea - tidy - bed.

I go to bed at around 11pm-midnight, and DP comes with me. Between 9 and 11, we are usually watching something on TV, reading, on the PC, playing games, talking. When we go to bed, we have cuddles etc.

Would that work for you?

You could go through early at 9.30 and do something relaxing for you until later, when he's tired enough to go through?

I don't think you should base your happiness on this. If he's tried doing it for a few days, he is obviously trying. It's not about not spending time with you, it's about not wanting to be in bed that early.

I'd be annoyed with that, too. None of those are activities you can share in, so basically he comes home and it's as though he's on his own in the house.

Doesn't he spend any time with your daughter in the evenings?

I just don't know what the point of him is if you're not spending any time together!

can you guys not agree that maybe a couple days a week he relaxes with you instead of around you? or maybe spends between 6-9 with you and then does his own thing relaxing after 9? I don't think you're being unreasonable here, I think you need to be more firm tbh

Can you set a reasonable time for when he has to switch off the television and spend time with you? I understand that he needs time to unwind but you have needstoo. what time does he get home? Does he help with your daughter ?

YANB entirely U, but you need compromise. When one partner comes home at the end of the working day, they usually do need some unwinding time, likewise when the other partner has been at home with the kids all day they need the contact with the other partner.

You need to lay it on the line that this is really affecting your relationship, but you need to find ways of compromising. Does your DP do anything towards your DD's bed time - does he do bath or bedtime stories? He could have time between coming home and bed time to have his shower or go for a run etc, then do his bit for DD's bed time while you have a bit of 'me' time, then once DD is asleep it's time for you together. But it doesn't have to be straight up to bed for sex. Instead of TV, how about you listen to music together and have a bottle of wine? What are your shared interests that brought you together - can they be done at home? Or rent a movie - something you both enjoy watching?

Also, if you had one night a week where you went out to a hobby group or exercise class, it might help him to 'miss' you a bit and be pleased when you came home, and you'd have something more to tell him about beyond the usual day of being with a baby.

I hate to say it though, I wouldn't be rushing into marriage if you can't get him to see that this is important and you need to find a solution.

maybe you wouldn't want to go to bed so early if he did some of the care and housework when he gets home? Do you get a chance to go out and exercise or go for a run?

I totally understand why you go to bed early. I would also be hurt if my DH didn't want to have sex with me and would rather watch tv.

^ agree with fluffyanimal

I would be annoyed if my DH didn't sit down til 9pm every night because he'd been out for a run. Does he not see your child or put her to bed? I'd be furious if my DH left me to do that every night. He comes home and baths our DS as he hasn't seen him all day, it's their time together.

Yabu if you expect your DH to go to bed at that time every night, I would hate it. But yes you need time together. Can you not cuddle up and watch a film together? Or just turn the tv off and chat with a glass of wine?

Yeah he spends time with our daughter. He gets home 6 ish, and she goes to bed at 7. Between that time we share our daughter care. But it's a pretty manic time; cooking tea, bath and bed. He then has couple of hours to do his own thing. Staying up later is not an option for me. I am completely knackered. In an ideal world we'd go up to bed at 9.30, chat, listen to music, just be together. Then go to sleep about 10.30. We're up at 5am with daughter and for work. He obviously doesn't need as much sleep as me! If he goes back down to watch tv, I can't sleep! Our house is tiny, all open plan. I can hear the tv no matter how quietly he puts it! He often says he's not tired enough to go to sleep that early, but then can't wake up in the morning and complains how tired he is! Maybe I am being unreasonable expecting him to come to bed early for my sake, I get the whole sleep/work/eat/bed treadmill. That's what he says.

He then has couple of hours to do his own thing.
When do you get a couple of hours to do your own thing, I wonder? Is it a case of him not understanding that being a SAHM is a full-time job just like going to work?

What happens at weekends? Could you agree to a different routine then? Also, I wonder how he would feel if you went off one Saturday to do your own thing with your friends/hobby group/whatever and left him in full care of DD from 9-5, I wonder if that would change his perspective...

As for watching TV once you are in bed, couldn't he watch it on his laptop with headphones?

I go out 1-2 times a week, either exercise class, meet a friend etc. so we have time apart.

I don't mind going to bed, bottle of wine, music etc. its not just sex, although that suffers if he's not coming to bed till late. Tv in bed; I hate; he'd sit engrossed, I'd be ignored. We occasionally watch movies together, but I'm not a fan of the tv full stop really. It just stifles conversation, and quite frankly you may as well be on your own. The focus is still on tv, rather than each other. Our joint hobbies are rarely possible with our daughter. We go out together occasionally, when we have a babysitter, maybe once a month.

More questions (BTW I do know how hard it is with pre-school children and how the balance of work and childcare eats into your whole relationship and intimacy, but it can be improved with some effort.).

Could you agree a weekly 'date night' where there is a TV ban?
When was the last time you were able to get a babysitter and go out, even just to the local pub for a drink together?

X-posts!

No not unreasonable to expect to be treated better, not taken for granted and for your soon to be husband picking up some of the slack in the evening. However how do you deal with this?

Well what do you do for you? When he comes in could you not have some time out to see a friend or go to a class yourself? It sounds like you rely on him for all your adult company and that's a big thing to put on one other person. Broadening your adult time would be good for both of you.

As for going to bed early maybe you could do this one night a week every week? That would give you 2 evenings where you don't feel left doing it all and being taken for granted by your OH.

If you had this as a permanent arrangement then it becomes ingrained and the repeated requests for time shouldn't be needed. However it does seem as though your OH has it all on a plate for him and you just slot in with what suits him so he may be reluctant to change.

In an ideal world we'd go up to bed at 9.30, chat, listen to music, just be together. Then go to sleep about 10.30

That might be YOUR ideal world, but it's not your future husband's.

Personally, the idea of going to bed at 9.30 every night and sleep at 10.30 would not be my idea world either. Different people have different sleep requirements and can function on, say, five or six hours. Others may need eight. But I cannot go to bed unless I am actually tired (or have sex) and there's no way I'd be heading upstairs at 9.30 every night.

HIBU if he thinks he should be able to wake you up for sex later on.
YABU if you think every night he should come to bed at 9.30

Me and my partner have different sleeping patterns and bedtimes, so if we confined sex to bedtimes, we'd never have it.

Can you not have sex on the sofa downstairs in the evening after your daughter has gone to bed?
Or ask him if once or twice a week you could have an early night together, and maybe get a bedroom TV so you can snuggle up in bed, watch telly together, or have sex, or you sleep while he watches, but youd be together?