I can't stop thinking about my ex

[outnumberedbyblue]

I'm not too sure what I'm looking for here. Perhaps a reality check or a shoulder to cry on, but I know I can't say this to anyone in rl.

I wasn't with ex that long really, about 18 months, we split for a year then got back together for about another 18 months.

We were young, late teens early 20's, he was really abusive, physically, sexually, emotionally, financially. But we did have some good times. We were first love and it was very intense and intimate, told eachother everything, all our sad childhood stories, shared lots of first experiences together. But he seemed to be able to read me like a book, and manipulate me, eother with his tears or his cruel words, he put me down and destroyed every bit of confidence, he was very, very physically and sexually violent at times. He stole from me too.

We had a baby ds together who is now 6. The abuse became unbearable during pregnancy and I fled two days before I gave birth. Ex did see ds although not regularly and only on his terms, the abuse continued in the form of stealing from me, continued violence and threats of violence, threats to kidnap ds, threats to kill me and take ds, even though we were no longer in a relationship and I was eventually advised at the time by HV after a particuarly nasty incident that I had to remove him from our lives to protect ds. So I took a big step and started again from scratch, cut him out of our lives completely and he hasn't seen ds since he was a few months old. He wasn't happy about this and initially I got letters and threats but these were dealt with by the police and he has never taken any legal steps to fight the decision and we haven't heard a peep out of him since.

Since then I have met someone else who I have been with for almost 5 years. I know that ex remarried quite soon after I cut him out and is still married.

I'm not going to pretend that life is always fantastic but it's pretty good most of the time and I'm a totally different person living a totally different life now to back then.

But for some reason I can never shake ex off completely.

Firstly I always wonder how he's managed to carve a successful marriage when he was so completely awful to me.

I keep imagining him meeting ds and seeing how fantastic ds is and him falling in love with ds the way any parent would.

I keep having dreams where we meet up and have an affair, and old feelings come back and stay with me all day, and memories of nice times.

Sometimes I want him to see the person I am now, and how everything he said I couldn't and would never do I have achieved.

I know that all of the above is wrong, but you can't help how you think and feel, it's as though a part of me is still in love with him, even though I am in love with my dp, it's ridiculous but I don't know how to stop it.

I've even considered getting in touch with him in the hope to rid myself of these feelings whether or not it's for closure or just to remember what he's really like, but I know I never would as I know really what a lucky escape I've had.

I don't think those feelings are wrong at all. I think it's perfectly normal to wonder how he's managed to have a (what looks to the outside but of course may be very different on the inside) successful marriage. Tbh I'd put my bets on it not being as happy as it seems (or perhaps you gave him a wake up call he needed).

It's certainly not wrong to imagine him feeling the way you do about your ds. I'm sure every parent wants for their dc to be loved by both it's parents.

It's definitely normal to want him to see that you've proved him wrong.

I guess that actually what you feel is wrong about it, is that you're still bothered about what he's doing/thinking. I think that's why you've considered getting in touch (which I think would be a v bad idea btw as I believe you also know) - you'd like to get that approval you craved when you were together.

Also, the woman he married, I later found out that he met her while I was still pregnant, which was around the time that the abuse hit it's worst point. He was also with her while he was seeing ds and still trying to get back with me and making threats to take ds away.

It feels as though I suffered even more because of this and ds doesn't have his real dad around because of this. But I'm sure he'd have failed as a parent regardless.

You're probably just wishing things had turned out better but you need to realise you can't control another person's actions, he sounds absolutely vile and you and your son had a lucky escape. Was he addicted to alcohol and or drugs during the time you were with him - just wondering why he was so abusive - if that's just his personality then he has serious mental health issues and as I say, you're well rid of him. He's a weak and bitter man, remind yourself of that every time you feel you need to show him anything, he's not worth the ground you walk on. As for the OW, she may be a psycho herself, again, who cares, you have a partner and a son, concentrate on them, your dreams are just possible regret over what happened, it's not that you love him, he sounds completely unloveable.

Thanks both.

No he didn't have drug or alcohol problems, at the time he wasn't a heavy drinker at all and to my knowledge hadn't ever taken any drugs.

He did have a like for gambling though which in my opinion was becoming more and more of a problem. He'd have rather spent his last £20 on a bet than pay a bill or have lunch with me for example. And in the end he had stolen from me to gamble.

He was crazily jealous of me having any friends, and even of my family. He did things like change numbers in my phone one or two digits so I'd be left wondering why my texts and calls to friends wouldn't go through. Or he'd block numbers in my phone so that I couldn't receive texts. He told me none of my friends and family liked me anyway and threatened to tell friends I'd been talking about them behind their backs if I went to see them. By the end of the relationship he'd succeeded in me having no friends at all. And then he'd rip into me for having no friends and telling me noone liked me.

He'd hide my clothes and shoes so that I couldn't go out.

A lot of our arguements were over things like him gambling, I'd complain and tell him I thought it was becoming a problem and end up getting attacked. Or his jealousy, or sometimes tidying up. He was quite OCD about tidyness. He liked the bed to be made in a certain way and would plump the cushions on the sofa in a certain way, then wouldn't let me sit on the sofa or the bed as he'd 'made' the bed/sofa, if I did he could fly off the handle quite easily into a violent rage.

He would put me down constantly, ask me why I didn't dress more like other women, if I got my nails or hair done or anything like that he'd laugh at me and tell me it didn't suit me. tell me I'm too fat to wear nice skirts and dresses despite me never having been bigger than a size 12, and tell me I looked like a 'bag lady' if I wore anything a bit different. Even when I had ds he would laugh at the things I'd dressed ds in.

Now I'm totally different, I have my hair and nails done however I want and wear lovely things that I wouldn't have dreamt of wearing when I was with him and have a wardrobe full of nice dresses and clothes.

After that you're probably thinking well why on earth would you ever want to speak to him again.

I can't even understand it.

I think you are grieving for a relationship you wanted rather than the one you had - you definitely don't want that kind of person in your life.

I had quite a diff experience with an ex, but with some similarities. We were together longer, but we were younger and there were times when it was a bit on/off, but roughly from the ages of 15 - 22. It was first love, real infatuation, very intense and I really, truly (and stupidly) thought we would be together forever without a doubt. When I was 20 I fell pregnant. I have very irregular cycles so I wasn't absolutely certain and I took a cheapo test. It came out very faint and from the instructions enclosed in the packet I read it as negative, though I probably would have taken another test and been more proactive about things except a day later a close family member died quite suddenly in an accident abroad and things were in a real flap. 3 weeks later I miscarried at about 8 weeks along and it was a horrible shock, since I had pretty much convinced myself I wasn't pg. My physical and mental health suffered quite badly in the months after that, I was away at uni in a different city quite far from my family and my ex was just very unsupportive. It was terrible because until that point we had been so close but it was as if the miscarriage had given him a real scare and he freaked out that he had come very close to giving up a lot of his freedom and having to take some responsibility. I made a lot of excuses for him and tried to give him a chance to see how his behaviour and his emotional distance were really affecting me but over the course of a year we grew further and further apart and finally I broke things off with him.

He went travelling for a while a couple of months later and I think he sort of expected that when he came back I would have changed my mind and be waiting for him. In the meantime I had met DH, who I would marry 3 years later.

However our break up felt full of things left unsaid and lots of unresolved issues. He had never abused me and we didn't have a child together but there was a lot of bitterness and tension between us and I found it hard to completely forget him and move on, even though I was in a new and much better relationship, then married and then had a child. A couple of years ago, though, we ran into each other (probably about 5 years after we had broken up) and we were in touch for a while just talking things over. It was a risky move, because I knew he still had feelings for me and it was hard for me to be sure I was completely over him and I knew I was risking making things even more complicated. Luckily it did work out ok for me and for him and now things are a lot more relaxed between us. We aren't really in contact any more but we live in the same town and we have a couple of mutual friends so from time to time I run into him and things are a lot easier and stress free now.

Sometimes thoughts about an ex are really just unresolved issues from the past, not a sign of how much you want them back. In the case of someone who was physically and emotionally abusive I would be very cautious about making any contact with them at all, even to try and move on. Your life sounds a lot happier and more stable now without him in it. Good luck