DV: DSis 4 weeks from giving birth. Her husband just hit her. Any advice how I can best support her??

[sh77]

My sis disclosed to me last week that her h made her life hell over the past 9 months. She said he became v controlling. Yesterday he hit her. I don't know if this is the first time. She has a daughter who is 18 months and 2nd due in 4 weeks. She came to my parents last night. I am on my way to be with her. What kind of support can she receive now and after the birth as she is worried about PND. How can I support her?

I would be very grateful for any advice, particularly from anyone who who experienced similar.

You can listen to her, give her practical help, baby sit the 18 month old and keep her H away from her.
Screen her calls and messages, even e-mail.
Don't talk badly about him, but do listen to her.
If she seems tempted to go back, remind her that these men don't get better, they do it again, and that she's not responsible for his feelings.

Help her get legal help, find out about financial help.

I'd advise her to go to the police, so that she has a better chance to keep him away from her and the children.

Very good advice. Maybe encourage her to speak to women's aid? The more help and support she has, the better. It is important that she is able to tell you all this. If she is comfortable for people to know, that is good too.

If she can't make the break from him yet, still support her. Don't lay down the law about what she must do. If she goes back and doesn't manage to leave for months or even years, let her know that you are still there for her.

If she doesn't report this, she won't be entitled to legal aid if they divorce, and nor will the judge necessarily believe her on the DV. Ordinarily I would never think it wise to press someone to report abuse, as the decision should always be their own, but I think the element of child protection needs to be considered here. I think her kids need the protection only such a report can provide.

I'm so sorry she, and by extension you, are dealing with this. Depressingly, pregnancy is a very common time for DV to start, or intensify.

YY to Women's Aid. They have support workers who can come out to her (I think they usually meet in public places) if she is safe at your parents' and doesn't need emergency accommodation. They will be able to confirm that his behaviour is part of a well known pattern and absolutely never at all her fault. Also they may have support services they can direct her to and they will know about lawyers etc.

You could buy her a copy of Lundy Bancroft too to help categorise his behaviour further and, again, separate it from her own feelings of perhaps grief or failure. Reassure her that it's fine to be upset the relationship is over even though she was unhappy in it - she is grieving for lost possibilities, and perhaps the glimpses of the "nice person" he showed her occasionally.

Perhaps suggest that she come onto mumsnet? It was the second greatest support source for me after family. And obviously with 2 DC she might find it useful in other ways too.

I agree also with screening calls and emails and texts for her. I swapped phones with my sister for a while. Just told all my friends the new number. There were a couple of emails my mum didn't let me read but she did pass on info about XP wanting to see DS. I let my mum act as a go-between for contact initially - as your sister's DP has been violent then perhaps you might want to seek legal advice before proceeding with contact. Anything about suicide threats etc DO NOT tell her. Alert the police if you are genuinely worried he might harm himself, or if he is making threats towards her.

You can also contact your local domestic violence team of the local police station by calling 101 or googling for a direct number. They will be able to put a fast-alert on your parents' address in case he turns up, they will also be able to offer support and advice. She does not have to press charges if she doesn't want to. (But it would be great if she felt she could)

Are you and/or your mum willing to support her through the birth? She has just lost her main birth partner, although he probably would have been less use than a chocolate teapot, she shouldn't have to go through birth alone.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

I agree, contact womens aid. if she wont then you can give them a ring yourself and ask for advice. Just be there for her.

Also, see if she will ring the police and get it logged even if she wont take it further at this point. Just try and keep her safe and support her.

Thank you all for such brilliant advie. It has certainly given me lots to think about in terms of helping her. Her MIL knows about his behaviour and she has been v supportive. Unfortunately, he carried on behaving this way despite knowing his parents know. She doesnt like the idea of being a single mum and will, in time, give it another go. Sounds like he has mental health issues. Some of the things she told me about his controlling behaviour is so strange. They knew each other from uni but he is a totally different person now. I feel so sad for her.

Can things get better if he seeks help?

and will, in time, give it another go
This is the worrying bit for me.
Why will she give it another go?
I've only learnt from MN that these men do not change.
If they do, it's usually with years of therapy.
You've had some great advice here and I really hope she can see that she will be so much happier away from this man.

Mental health can be a red herring in cases like this. Encourage her to ask herself if her H treats others like this, or if he is outwardly friendly and pleasant (many women who've been in this situation say their P or H has an outward image of being the greatest man ever). If he saves his shitty behaviour just for her, then he's not mentally ill, he's just a fucking arsehole.

This was the lightbulb moment for me - when I realised my exP was perfectly nice to everyone else, but a complete prick to me when we were on our own.

Well said kernow. It's amazing what a number these people do on their partners. Makes me mad. He has probably whittled down her self esteem too, so building her up is more important than knocking him down if you see what I mean. Abusers like to make their partner think that nobody else would want them as a method of control.

He comes across as an amazingly calm and charming person. I got on v well with him. Could never have guessed in a million years he was like this. They went for relationship counselling but he gave up. It started around the time her ds was born and got worse with second pregnancy. Sis thinks it is something to do with his childhood.
She wants to try again for the sake of the kids. I can see he wont miraculously transform. Worrying.

I suggested Reading forums and the Bancroft book but she doesn't want to read anything yet. Just wants to see how the next few days pan out.

The kids will not thank her for it in the long term.

That's pretty classic abuser behaviour if it gets worse during pregnancy. And yes it probably is something to do with his childhood, but it is HIS problem, not hers. It is up to him to fix it. I tried to help my ex but the truth is you cannot help someone who doesn't think there's anything wrong with their behaviour. Her children are witnessing his behaviour towards her and that in itself is abuse.

The thing is, your sister has to realise all this for herself. You can talk till you're blue in the face, but ultimately if she wants them to get back together then that's her decision.

Sis thinks it is something to do with his childhood. then his mother should take him not your sister!

He has carried on because he knows nothing will happen.
He's convinced his sister won't leave him.

If she keeps away, all of us here can predict that it will go being nice, pleading, promises, threats, crying, suicide threats, ignoring. And repeat.

She needs to cut all contact to keep sane and be able to think clearly.

By being a single mum, she is doing something positive for herself and her children.
His abuse will turn on them.
His hitting and abusing her has a bad effect on them.
They will learn from a bad example.

Leaving is the best she can do for herself and the children.

'For the sake of the kids'???? - if she goes back to him, it becomes more likely that social services will become involved. The children will be growing up in an environment where their mother is bullied and abused- can she imagine how damaging and frightening that is for children?
It gives the children two choices- side with Mummy and spend their lives trying to be 'perfect' and never make Daddy cross- or side with the abuser and treat their mother like dirt. It also means that they grow up having to lie to professionals about home life.
And what will stop him hitting the children when they answer back or are too noisy?

Can YOU get the Bancroft book, and show her the bit about change? Bancroft himself is a leader of programs for abusive men so he knows all about the hope that they will change and spells out exactly what needs to happen for it to work. There is also a checklist about how to tell if he is really changing.

The problem with the idea that he might change if he seeks help is (from memory, I gave my copy away)

• Most abusive men will promise to seek help, because they will say anything at the moment they have been left to get their partner back. Usually it's an empty promise and they either never go or they go to one session and then stop, say "it didn't work" or the counsellor was useless. Sometimes this is even a badge of bravado - "They can't work me out" etc.

• There isn't actually that much help around for abusive men, not in the UK. Most of the help he will be able to access is not set up to help abusers stop abusing. Counselling is too person-centred and all about him, and won't help. Anger management is less than useless too. The problem with abusers isn't that they can't manage their anger, it's that they are getting angry about things they have no right to be angry about. Their whole worldview needs to change in order for them to change.

• Which leads me to another point which is that he has to want to change for himself (not for her, not for the kids, for himself) and actually believe his abusive mindset is wrong. One thing that struck me in the Lundy book was that he said some men came to the classes expecting to find non-violent ways to control their wives. They could not comprehend that the very thought of controlling their wives was what was wrong in the first place.

• Because this is about a mindset change she needs to be absolutely strong. This is not something that can change gradually and make small improvements over time. This is really hard to accept! When you see someone you love "trying" and appearing to make progress towards a goal that you want for them, it's natural to want to react positively towards that - but this is not appropriate with abusive relationships. To actually change he would need to really accept what he had done wrong and then be really overcompensating and overcautious about upsetting or frightening her. He would have to be more gentle than in a normal relationship, more polite, more seeking of consent, approval, etc for every little thing. Because her boundaries have been squashed down again and again by him, he needs to help her uphold them by upholding them himself, and understand why. And if he fucks up (which he will, old habits die hard) then he needs to accept that straight away and apologise and back the fuck off about it, rather than blaming her or his childhood or any other thing. It's hard, it would be hard in a normal relationship, but one which has already had those dynamics of abuse?

• When you witness the small change over a period of time thing, it usually ends up with a big blowup where the abuser loses it more badly than ever before. This is because in his eyes he has been making a monumental effort for weeks or months and in return he is getting nothing back. This is, again, the worldview thing. Any person with a healthy relationship template will tell you that relationships are about both people giving to each other. He would believe that the relationship is about her giving to him, and he doesn't have to give anything back except perhaps specific things, like money, gifts, sex. In his eyes by giving those things his "part" in the relationship is complete. By expecting more, he thinks she is being really massively draining on him and unreasonable - so it's a big effort to give out these things, and abusive men don't give just to be nice, they give because there's something in it for them.

Sorry - I have to go out now. But I hope this helps.